Work night out problems - sorry - extremely long!!

[Charlene1]

Boss paid for my office to go out for a night out this month as we were all fantastic at sales etc and he wanted to treat us all. Was supposed to be on Friday night, but he asked us to change it to Thursday and then he couldn't make it. He told the office manager to book somewhere - her choice. She chose a restaurant in the next town. She never bothered asking how anyone was getting there or back - we were left to make our own arrangements. 3 of us can't drive, so I asked my colleague (A2) I she wanted to share a taxi home, to be probably no later than 1am. She said yes.
We were all looking forward to going out and having fun.

In the restaurant, A2 hardly ate anything (didn't like food) and had 2 double vodka and cokes. A1 asked if we were getting a taxi, we said probably - they didn't offer us a lift, nor the other non driver (who was offered a lift by my other colleague). No one else offered us lifts.
Then A1 and A2 decided to go to nearby bar - others all left, and me and A2 went to the bar, as we were looking forward to having a bit of fun and a nice night out. They bought A2 2 more double vodkas and cokes. A3's housemate turned up and took them home (in the company car again), we walked to bus station, but had missed last bus (gone 11pm), so called a taxi back to our town. Both felt we didn't want to go home just yet as it was too early, so stopped near work to find a pub to have another drink in - most were closed, but we found one and had 2 drinks in there each (she bought them!). I really did not see any problem with going to an extra pub for a bit(apart from making sure I didn't buy alcohol for her - it was up to her if she wanted to try her luck getting served etc with being underage - she is 17).
Then she "copped off" with 2 separate lads and got their numbers. We left at 12.30pm and we were heading towards the taxi rank when she suddenly decided no way in hell was she going home yet, and rang one of the lads to come and meet her to "go somewhere" - I tried for 20 mins to talk her out of it thinking she will get attacked or murdered if she went off with them, she ran off to meet this lad and his friend. I was left on my own in the street, and could have been mugged or attacked by anyone passing. They came walking back with her saying they were going home as everywhere was shut. Luckily they were decent and I told them she had to get home as we had work next day and I felt responsible for getting her home as it was an official work night out. I then had an argument with her for the next 1/2 an hour nearly with her saying "you're not my manager, I was spoiling her night, I'm not going home, I'm going the shop to get some booze and sit in the park". I said in the absence of A1 then yes, I was her manager, and she couldn't behave like that on a work night out - she had to go home. She said she didn't care about her job - I was definitely bothered about mine though!!

I eventually got her in a taxi, but she got out her side near her house, whilst it was moving saying she felt ill and she wasn't going home, but started walking to her house. I could not force her back in as that is assault and kidnapping - I didn't know what to do. She was falling in the hedge and staggering everywhere.
Taxi refused to wait to see if she actually went in her door safely and told me to either get out with her or carry on home - I had to go home as there was no way I could have risked walking from there and didn't have enough credit to ring another taxi. Texted her when I got home - no answer, she eventually rang me at about 2.15am (being sick as she was talking to me) saying she was home. I went bed, DP went mad next morning as I was in so late, as dd had been ill, and he didn't believe where I'd been and why - said I was "out slagging it" (I most definitely wasn't!) So we have rowed over it.

I went work, got in 15 mins early - found out she had rung in sick, saying she had been up all night being sick from too much drink. No idea what she'd had told A1 on the phone - they didn't tell me, apart from "Bosses were "not impressed" with her" - my boss hardly spoke to me, just kept throwing work at me all morning (usually ignores me, so I knew he was pissed off).
Colleagues (who I thought were my "friends") and DP have said it's my fault she didn't turn up, as I was responsible for her - I argued with DP that A1 and A3 had arranged the night out for work, and should have made sure we had taxis etc he said that's not the point - I should have left her on her own to go off and be killed etc. Colleague said I shouldn't have gone to the pub after. I really don't see how that makes me the one in the wrong - no one forced her to go and drink - she wanted to go, then wouldn't go home. If she had turned up with a hangover it would not have been so bad - the problem is because she went off with me and didn't make it to work. I used to go out and get plastered every night as a teenager, and alway made it in work next day, so I assumed everyone else is the same - after all A1 and A3 spend their lives going out in the week, getting bladdered, and boasting how bad they feel at work next day.
It is "expected" and encouraged to drink as much as possible on these work nights out - it is not a good night if you go home sober.

If I thought for a minute she was going to behave like that, I would never have offered to share a taxi - I would have just gone home on my own after the meal.
She is getting a verbal warning on Monday, I am not in until late Mon morning, so I will not be there to give my side of it or hear what goes on.
I like her, but she has lied about things before - e.g. she asked me for work to do as she was bored, then told the other manager I had "told her she had to do it".
She doesn't remember what she does when she drinks, so A1 and A3 could tell her anything - and she will believe them e.g oh I left her to walk or got her drunk etc.

A1 and A3 will make out it was my fault to the bosses and everyone else probably - DP says they have deliberately set me up as they don't like me and I fell for it, as they know what she's like better than me.
At the xmas party, A2 got out of the minibus home on the motorway and refused to get back in - everyone had to leave her at the services on her own and she rang her mum to come and get her ( I wasn't with her then).
When we went out last month, she came in work hungover next day and had to be sent home.
Before xmas she went out (I didn't go) with work - got drunk and they put her in a taxi home - she phoned in sick next day.
She has phoned in sick a couple of other times as well, due to drink.

If anyone has got this far reading - well done!! I would appreciate some advice on how to come out of this on Monday without the entire company turning against me. Dp says I have damaged my reputation/career now forever in the eyes of my bosses/colleagues.

I am hoping on the next night out, if I don't go out; she will do the same again and they will all see it is her that is the problem, not anyone she is with.
But this means I can't go out again then - cos if I do, I will get lumbered with trying to get her home - and if I leave her to make her own way home, they will all blame me if she does get murdered or something. Or A1 and A3 will make a big show of giving her a lift home to make me look bad e.g "oh she's safe with them, but look what happens if she stays out with me"
If I take the blame for her not turning up for work, I will get a warning probably - and I really don't feel I should.
DP says at his work I definitely would face disciplinary and she would be sacked as we carried on the night out after the official "work night" had finished - which is grounds for disciplinary as misconduct. I don't see why we should have to go home at half past ten when I rarely go out (hardly ever since having kids) - I want to make the most of being out, and not get all dressed up to sit in a restaurant for an hour and then go home to watch telly until bedtime - if it had been Friday when we went out, as originally planned, then she'd have had all weekend to recover and we would all have laughed about it on Monday morning. I don't feel I can ever be the same with her again after this.
I really think I am doomed whatever I do.
Help!!

[rookiemater]

By goodness that was an epic !

Ok so hopefully I have the gist of it. Your manager chose to arrange a work night out where alcohol was served to a minor and arranged for it to take place somewhere where you would have to make your own arrangements to get home. So far, so negligent on their part.

I really don't understand the point your DP is making. As far as I am aware, what you do in your own time is your own business and whilst its not good form to throw a sickie after a work night out, your manager would be somewhat naive not to expect it if they choose to organise a night out on a Thursday.

The 17 year old getting drunk and not turning up for work, nothing to do with you I would have said and you probably just got more work because she was missing and they had to spread it around.

Honestly I don't think there is much to worry about. Although I would suggest that you didn't attend any more work nights out just to be on the safe side.

[MissingMyHeels]

Not your problem - whilst underage if she is old enough to have a job she is old enough to make her own decisions! You definitely shouldn't be taking the blame.

From a perception perspective, it doesn't make you look great - maybe go out on the next night out but arrange for your DP to pick you up/pre book a taxi and ensure you aren't left on your own with her? It can't be much fun for you having all that hassle at the end of an evening! Watching telly until bedtime sounds more fun than arguing with a 17yr old!

[dippydeedoo]

what a load of arses!!!
how can it be your fault?
id have just left her- you are not responsible in any way.

if anyone dares suggest it you tell them that!!

your dp is miffed cos u went out for a good time and he was at home!

next night out look after yourself and noone else if your not being paid your not at work is my reasoning.

fretting all weekend isnt going to help its not your fault and you be sure to act indignant if thats suggested ,criey offices are as bad as playgrounds.

[TotalChaos]

I agree with Dippy. What more save for knocking the girl out could you have done to get her home? Anyway, the girl getting home is a side issue - rather more relevant is that she drank so much she called in sick the next day. Is your DP normally so unsupportive?

[callmeovercautious]

I think your defence should be that everyone else (who was responsible for her) left so you stayed with her and did what you could. Arguement 2 is that the Company should not have allowed her to Drink at a staff Do.

It is a hard one, and I have been through similar some years back. It is hard, especially when you have had a few glasses of wine yourself to make a judgement. I work in HR and now never drink on Staff Party nights, I always drive.

[potoftea]

I find it hard to believe that anyone blames you for her behaviour.

If she had to be left behind at a service station previously, well then people know what she can be like.

No way have you any responsibility in this case. She is an equal to you on a night out, and not someone you need to mind.

If you are all out together again I suggest you loudly say to anyone around you how you don't want everyone else to bugger off and leave you to struggle with a work mate who has had too much to drink as happened this time.

[colditz]

leave early next time. Keep doing it until they get the hint.

[Charlene1]

Thanks, guys - I feel better now! Work nights are the only chance I get to go out, so I don't want to "miss out" so to speak - DP has very extreme disciplinaries for very minor things at his work and thinks it should apply to all companies! Like I was breaking Health & Safety laws/duty of care/negligence etc. He has mad episodes now and then where he accuses me of things like "you didn't answer your phone in a shop, your lying saying you didn't hear it - you must be shagging someone" - very bizarre, and highly annoying whilst the ranting and accusations goes on, but he usually gets over it and sees what a wanker he has been!!
Dippy - glad you think they are arses! I was so hurt when my "friends" turned on me in the office and blamed me for "keeping her out instead of going home". I have worked there for a year, and this is the 4th time I've been out with work.
At the xmas party, another colleague got extremely drunk and fell/was pushed onto me, putting her stiletto through my foot - resulting in me going to hospital for stitches - complete accident (hence not being in the minibus!!!) - A1 didn't even ask what I'd done, as she was plastered and only concerned with the fun she was having, and apparently they laughed when they heard what happened. Such nice people aren't they?
I was worried about making sure A2 got home ok then, and asked the boss to make sure she got in the minibus ok, as I was going off to hospital - I shall definitely not bother in future!!!!
Call meover - what was the situation you had?

[rookiemater]

Charlene, don't you have friends you can go out with outside work ?

To be honest from what you are saying they don't sound like the best people and you deserve to go out and have some fun without having to a) worry about someone else and b) spend time with people who don't care about you.

[TotalChaos]

I agree with rookie, your colleagues sound very unsupportive, I'ld give the nights out as wide a berth as you can. your husband comes over as a bit of a control freak from your description - watch out that you dont end up treading on eggshells to avoid displeasing him.

[Charlene1]

Rookie, no that's just it! There's no one I talk to long enough to ask to go out - I pass the time of day for 5 mins every morning in the playground with people, but even the ones I've talked to for the last 3 years aren't interested in going out - I've suggested a mums night out before - no one wants to. I have lost touch with all my former pre-kids "drinking pals"! I work full time and spend the weekends doing normal family stuff like entertaining the kids, housework, shopping - I don't drive, so no chance of evening classes or anything to broaden my circle of friends, as dp would have to wake the kids up and drag them out to come and get me - this is why I am so desperate to go on work nights out - and now it feels like it's been ruined.
DP has shut up now about it, he said he doesn't mind me going out, he just gets "suspicious" and thinks I will "go off with someone" as we never get chance to go out together, and pre kids, I was out every week until all hours getting drunk! He says I should not have been so naive and should get my own taxi home in future on my own. He has told me that under Health and Safety mad laws, that apply in his work and have actually been applied elsewhere, 2 colleagues spending time together out of work are still subject to work rules as "the situation of actually being out has only arisen from working together, wheareas going out with your neighbour/mate from school doesn't".
Technically, with my accident at xmas, I could have sued work and my colleague, as it wouldn't have happened, had I not been there on a night out paid for by work, so I know he's right (I hate it when he's right about something!!!) as I looked into all that last month.
He has gone on nights out with work and left people to get home by themselves when they've refused to go home with them, and they have been disciplined for it when going back to work for "doing something that could bring the company into disrepute e.g. being drunk and disorderly/endangering other people etc". Totally stupid but that's normal apparently!

I am dreading work tomorrow - I really don't know what to say to A2 - do I ignore her completely or tell her I am not happy with what she did, and "sound like an old whingebag" - am dreading what she will tell the bosses to get out of getting a warning as well.

[rookiemater]

Oh Charlene, poor old you, it sounds like you are working really hard and don't get a lot of time to yourself.

How about saving up for driving lessons, at least that way you would have a hobby that could eventually let you go out a bit more.

It sounds like you and your DP could do with a bit of time out together is there anyone you could ask to babysit and go out to the cinema or a meal somewhere.

I would just ignore A2, you're not her Mum or her boss so it's not up to you to give her a lecture. If you are left in an awkward situation where you need to talk to her just act very casually and say that you hope she is ok and had a good weekend. I honestly don't know what she can say that would implicate you, even if you poured drink down her throat, she is the one who is responsible for getting into work in the morning, not you.

Hope it goes ok tomorrow.

[Charlene1]

Thanks Rookie. I would like driving lessons, but they aren't viable at the moment - time, money, lack of confidence etc.
We dont have an option of a babysitter - there is no one, who we trust apart from mil - who has recently refused to babysit as "we want to go out at 8 and come in after midnight - at our age we should go for a meal and be home for nine". Er, no we don't agree - we aren't ancient, we would like to actually have a night out - even a film doesn't finish until about 10.30 so we can't go there - this is a whole different thread though, as Dp had a big row with her over it!
We have agreed that we will have to lump it until the kids are grown up, and go out separately until then. We don't like the idea of some stranger from an agency coming in the house whilst we go out and have fun - took me ages to trust nursery/school to look after the kids in the day!

I'll let you know what happens at work - can't post until tomorrow night as I don't want them seeing this on my "temp" files at the end of the day - we are watched and monitored, so I have to be very careful what I look at!

[Charlene1]

Well, didn't have to face A2 after all - last Monday I went in to find out she "was on holiday" - yesterday she phoned in and resigned with immediate effect. No one has mentioned anything to my face or blamed me again, so I'm not mentioning it if no one else does! Boss is being OK again too.

But I now have the dilemma that A1 and A3 have now booked the same place for a night out at end of March for a leaving do - I can't afford the cost of meal, taxi and drinks - there is no one else going who can share, so it looks like they've won - and "cinderella ain't going to the next ball" so to speak. DP says to go for the meal, then get a taxi straight home - which would look bad as I like the person leaving (who is going home with A1 and A3 - already arranged between themselves again. I could go off on my own to a pub like Billy no mates, just to get a "night out" but would then have to get another taxi hime and hope there's one available. If it was in our own town, I would go - so, anyone got any thoughts on this dilemma now??!!

[nervousal]

can't you just arrange to meet them for a few drinks after the meal out?

Re the whole "who is respoonsible for her" question - thats exactly why since I've become more senior I don't go on the nights out with more junior staff - sad but better than getting caught up in all that nonsense!

[rookiemater]

Charlene, glad that the baddie has gone.

TBH I wouldn't bother with your work night out sounds like an expensive evening with a bunch of people who don't get on that well. I'd try to find alternative friends.

Have you checked the Mumsnet get togethers, there might be one in your area ? Failing that would you ask your MIL to babysit for a meal, ok I know it means you can't stay out late but at least it gets you out of the house for a couple of hours.

[Charlene1]

Hi, no unfortunately they want to do the drinking in the next town, so I'd still have to get there and back in at least 2 taxis. 2 others have already said they won't go because of the distance and other issues in general we have with A1 and A3 wanting their own way all the time - which isn't fair on the person leaving.

[rookiemater]

Perhaps you could arrange a lunch for the person leaving that everyone can go to, seeing as so many people can't make the night out I'm sure a few folks would go.

It means you get to see your work colleagues in a social setting but without alcohol, chance to get to know them, potentially make the lunch a regular occurence which can then lead on to a night out straight from work in a local pub etc. etc.

NB if you do arrange a lunch do not at any cost mention the meal or the fact it is arranged in an inconvenient venue. Leave others to do this if they want. It sounds like A1 & A3 want to rule the roost so best not to ruffle their feathers ( she said mixing her metaphores)

[bookwormmum]

SOrry to hear that you had all this hassle . I tend to avoid work dos for these sort of reasons - I know that's not a very helpful to hear though. Is it not possible for you to suggest a venue for a night out? Bowling for example or even a day at a health spa? Team bonding/celebrations doesn't have to be over a restaurant table.

I think you probably need to develop more firends where you live that you can see without having to be a passive drinker as well.

[Charlene1]

Hi again - unfortunately no one gets a proper lunch break, but that would have been a solution, or even straight after work - but you are right Rookie - these pair think they are "it" and have the management wrapped round their little fingers unfortunately. They snigger at my suggestions, so last time they asked for ideas, I put suggestions in an email so everyone could vote on them - which was ignored and bitched about - and we went where they wanted to go. Hence the original post and it's problems! I was hoping that some people from our other office would go, as I could get to know them better, but they won't be able to afford the cost either as they are mostly on less money than me, and A1 has said "we don't mix with them, they do their own thing". Hmmmm...

[Charlene1]

Forgot to add, no meet ups near me at night, and unlikely mil will babysit!

[Ripeberry]

Reminds me of my early twenties and the colleagues who managed to get themselves sacked when they could not hold their drink.
My first job was at an insurance company and the boss liked everyone to go to the pub on a friday lunchtime.
One new girl was advised that it was only 1 drink but she ended up having at least 5 and was paraletic by 2pm, even though she was told to stop.
Of course she was sacked.
And a few years later, another new person was told by a colleague who did not like him much that he could "kip" down in the office foyer for the night as he had missed his bus home and had no money for taxi.
This new person, got to the office, could not get the security guard to let him in so he smashed the glass doors with a brick!!
He was arrested and sacked.
Younger people these days don't have the ability to hold their drink and think of the consequences of their actions.
AB

[Charlene1]

Ripe, that's shocking!!!!! Latest in my saga is that it's been decided to have it at the restaurant up the road from work - so I can go now and take myself off to the nightclub next door, and sort my own taxi out when I want to go home (hopefully anyway).
Things are going downhill fast in that office - A1 and A3 now do not even bother speaking unless it's to try and get confidential info out of me - I'm not biting - I can be as fake as them with a false smile and a "sing song voice". 2 others who I usually talk to / go and get dinner with are now "not speaking/highly offended" because I dared to have an opinion that didn't match theirs - I thought tough, I don't particularly care!
I said that 50 odd year old women shouldn't work in school offices, as it takes jobs away from mums with school age kids that can't afford childcare - I meant women of over 60 etc, but it came out wrong as I don't class them as old grannies, as they look younger than the "stereotype" I was referring to.
They ripped my head off, going on about they're that age/I've got it easy these days with tax credits, flexi hours etc, they had 6 weeks off when they had kids and been working since they were 16, so I shouldn't begrudge people who want to work less hours / weeks etc. I said I don't, but they don't need to work term time when they have no kids to look after.
They always talk down to me as they have grown up kids and "know it all". Whatever someone has done, they've done it better etc.
So now I have 4 people not speaking to me and bitching behind my back. It is OK for them to slag off all the Polish people for "nicking our jobs" and being racist, using bad "n" and "w" words etc, but I can't state a fact that it is all older women in the school offices in our town - which is true as I've worked in one and seen staff in others when I've been for interviews etc.

I am about to post this on "AIBU" to see if everyone else thinks I was wrong to say it!
I am looking at job ads......

[bluejelly]

I was about to suggest getting a new job! They sound awful.

[Cam]

"I said that 50 odd year old women shouldn't work in school offices, as it takes jobs away from mums with school age kids"

Charlene1 that is very offensive

I am 51
I have a school aged child
I work in an office