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Elderly parents

I'm losing patience

26 replies

Undecidedmare · 01/08/2014 17:37

I'm the only carer for my severely disabled mother, she refuses to have any other care. I work, have four children and basically run her life too. My mum has had an awful life that has scarred her and left her difficult, immature, selfish and demanding.
I, myself had a difficult childhood which included lots of beatings and emotional abuse but as I've become an adult and she is less physically able she has mellowed.
I do my best to meet all her needs but I find her demands a becoming too much and there seem to be more and more unacceptable incidents that I'm struggling to forgive/explain/ignore.
Today, she asked if two of my children would go for a walk with her. They wanted to go and I agreed.
At the moment she has a condition which means she can only eat liquids, as solids make her choke and vomit. I rang her three times because I know how difficult she is, to please not eat while with the children as if she choked it would frighten them and obviously it is unfair for them to deal with it. She promised me she wouldn't eat and and even got cross with me for daring to suggest she even would,after I'd asked a few times.
So , I get a phone call from my panicked children to say she was eating while they were out. I spoke on the phone and said you promised you wouldn't. She put the phone down and then my children called to say she'd called them bitches and told them to fuck off because they'd told me. I'm so upset for them. I collected them all immediately and took her home without saying a word to her. I feel so trapped and frustrated with this situation that I can't escape. I'm all she has and I do everything for her, she couldn't cope on her own.

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Undecidedmare · 01/08/2014 19:56

Any advice? I'm desperate.

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exexpat · 01/08/2014 19:59

What happens if you are ill or go away? At some stage, if she can't do day-to-day things for herself, she is going to have to accept care from someone other than you, and it sounds like you are going to have to get tough and say that starts now, because you need a break. Has she been assessed by GP/social services to see what level of care she needs and what funding she might get for it?

It will no doubt be difficult, but it sounds like you need to make a stand on this before you reach breaking point.

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exexpat · 01/08/2014 20:00

Also, you need to keep your children away from her if she is being abusive to them, and explain to her why, if necessary.

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AskBasil · 01/08/2014 20:03

Stop doing all this stuff for her.

You owe her nothing, she's an abusive woman, she abused you and she has no qualms about being abusive towards your DC's. Don't put up with it.

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Bustarhymes · 01/08/2014 20:07

She sounds like she's got a touch of dementia. You sound like you're being driven half mad, and I'm not surprised.

This business of forcing you to do all the care isn't on. You can fix it tho' - get her assessed by social services (just call them and they come, you don't have to give her a reason) and let them report on what she needs. Let them tell her that you can't do all of it. Work with them to provide it. There's nothing your DM can do about it if you stop taking on all the care - there really isn't.

You sound frightened of your mother - that's not on either. And neither is letting someone old and in questionable mental health call the shots.

How old is DM? What's her state of health?

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Undecidedmare · 01/08/2014 20:13

I drag myself out of bed if I'm ill because compared to the awful things she's been through any cold/ virus etc is nothing and if I'm on holiday I call 999 and then make contact with the hospital. I cannot explain the horror of her life but I feel I carry the guilt and constantly try to make up for it. Sadly, my life is not my own but I don't feel like I can add to her lifetime of grief by adding to it. I have always been her only carer since I could walk/talk and unfortunately every professional we have ever encountered has never questioned it.

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Undecidedmare · 01/08/2014 20:23

My dm is in her 70s, her health is very poor and she is physically very fragile. She struggles with her mental health too due to the desperation of her situation. She has had many times when she has been close to dying but seems to pull through at the last minute and I'm always relieved. I'm a strong woman who juggles many things but I struggle when my children are involved, I never want them to live the childhood I had.

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Bustarhymes · 01/08/2014 21:07

I think the time is nigh for SS. Words like 'horror' and 'desperation' are big red flags. There isn't much alternative, much as your mother would like to think (and no doubt tells you) there is.

call the council and get them to make an appt. You can be there as well.

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twentyten · 01/08/2014 22:17

Put yourself and your children first. You cannot fix all this for your mum. You are responsible for your children. Get a carers assessment from your gp. Please. You are strong but not invincible. ThanksThanksWineWineWine

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ancientbuchanan · 01/08/2014 22:37

You have obviously done brilliantly for her, but things are going to get worse as she gets older. You need to find the balance for all of you, yourself included.

First, ring social services and get them to assess her. If she refuses to let them in, explain that you have to have back up for when you can't be there. Is she getting all the grants to which she is entitled? If not, think about using some of the money for a bit of respite care. Age UK has v v good advice.

Then ring her gp. They may not want to answer questions. In which case, say that you are not expecting them to answer bit you want to share your concerns eg about her increasing fragility and possible dementia. They may send her for a memory test etc.

Then kindly but firmly say to her that you are only going to let the children see her when you are around, as otherwise it is too dangerous for her and upsetting for them.

I'm v sorry, but as well as being carer you now need to accept she is no longer in effect an adult all the time, she cannot make consistent adult decisions.


Once you make your mind up to that, it funnily enough becomes less upsetting. You are the adult, looking after someone like a toddler.

It's hard. Get all the help, financial and otherwise, you can.

Hth

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Undecidedmare · 02/08/2014 06:54

Thank you all, I've decided she can't ever be with the children as I can't trust her anymore. As for the care it's difficult,she won't even let anyone in the house and despite her disability manages fairly well eg I leave all her meals for her to microwave etc. my biggest difficulty are her lack of social skills, she was kept institutionalised for most of her childhood due to her disability and so has never learnt boundaries.
She says/does what she wants and has got herself into some terrible situations that I then have to sort it out.
I often think it's like looking after a child. I have to constantly repeat myself, she is very demanding of my time and attention and really is very wrapped up in her own troubles. If I say I'm struggling she says it's my own fault for having too many children or that my life is better than hers. She is forever messing with her clocks and remotes and then rings us through the night to check what the time is or to fix her TV. Often asking which 4.00 is it?
I'm making her sound awful and most of the time I can balance the work load and manage her personality but occasionally we have a day like today and I'm utterly exasperated and frustrated. Mostly she's ok just very demanding without realising she is.
It helps to write this down, thank you

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twentyten · 02/08/2014 08:33

What happens if you get ill? Please seek support- you are not responsible for her childhood- honest. You can't fix it all for her however much you want to. Please talk to age uk or your gp- counselling may help you with your boundaries. This is not all your to fix. Your kids need you- and you need you as well. Please keep posting- so many go through some of this. ThanksThanksBrewBrew

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Undecidedmare · 02/08/2014 09:18

Again, thank you. I just can't help but feel so very sad for her. As frustrated as I get I can understand why she is this way. I wouldn't wish her life on anyone and unfortunately she has too much time on her hands but is not physically able to do much.
She literally has no one and is desperately lonely. The few friends she had moved on when she became demanding or said rude things to them. She had a friend who used to pop in several time a week and did a few jobs for her but mom used to moan at her for drinking the coffee or would accuse her of trying to see her PIN number at the cash point. Understandably she stopped going around.
I need some space from her so I've decided I will continue to manage her home/appointments and physical care but there will be no more holidaying with us,days out etc it just far too stressful and I just don't enjoy the time with her although I know the guilt will cause me immense stress too.
Argh, bloody guilt and responsibility is eating away at me.
She'll ring later crying and apologising saying I'm all she has and hadn't she suffered enough. Then she'll try to kill herself.
Such a sad life for her.

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AskBasil · 02/08/2014 09:21

Please get some counselling for yourself. You may not think you need it, but you probably do and it will help you deal with things.

Thanks

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CocktailQueen · 02/08/2014 09:26

Stop doing everything for her. She doesn't deserve it, and you gave the right to enjoy life with your lovely dc without spending it all worrying about her. She sounds awkward, stroppy and abusive. You don't owe her anything.

You may be all she has, but the way she's acted means she doesn't deserve you running round after her now.

Ring her gp. Arrange to have her assessed and then tell the gp you are exhausted by the demands if looking after her and can't do it any more.

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Baddderz · 02/08/2014 09:30

Your mother is not your responsibility.
Your dc are.
Get SS involved.
This situation is untenable in the long term...I think you know that :(

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RubySparks · 02/08/2014 09:32

Does she have dementia? Some of the things you mention, such as confusion over time of day and suspicion around money are symptoms.

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Undecidedmare · 02/08/2014 09:58

No, pretty sure she doesn't have dementia, just no social skills. When she has been desperately poorly and needed several visits a day after initial refusals and only after a doctor has said she would need to go to hospital has she agreed to care in the home.
Bizarrely she enjoyed the company and was really jolly and would tell me about the fun she had but as soon as she could access her wheelchair independently or not judging on the amount of times I have to go through the night to pick her up off the floor and mop up the bodily fluids, she would dismiss them.
Considering her burdens she really is fairly upbeat and optimistic but I think her lack of experience of anything just means she has no idea there is a world out there so doesn't know what she is missing.
She is simply delighted with a trip to the shops and the occasional holiday and would love a friend.
She is terrified of doctors/ss etc In case they lock her away again, she thinks they are just waiting for her to fail so they can whip her away so she tries to share nothing with them.

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MissLupescu · 02/08/2014 10:00

Your DM sounds like mine OP, although my DM is early 50's and physically ok but has poor mental health due to her past.

I get the guilt thing, I really do.

My breaking point was taking my mum shopping one day with my DD. I can't remember what the conversation was, but because I didn't agree with her (I do remember her saying that I didn't want want her to be happy Confused) she screamed And shouted at me and threatened to hit me in the middle of a shop, in front of DD.

That was enough for me. Thankfully, she has a CPN nurse who I contacted as soon as I got home and told her enough was enough and they needed to step up with the support they were giving her.
I didn't speak to her for a a fortnight night, ignored the Abusive texts etc, and she backed off.
When I calmed down I called her and told her that it was her last chance. I was not having my DD witness the behaviour I grew up with. That was 3 years ago and she hasn't don't it since.

My DM is also emotionally immature and manipulative because she had no guidance from a parent growing up. I can't understand, like you, why she's the way she is.

You are now like the parent in the relationship with your DM. You have to teach her your boundaries. She has to know the consequences of her actions. By still be the dutiful daughter, she knows she can still manipulate you into doing whatever she wants. She had that control over you as a child because she was the parent, she probably didn't even know what she was doing or the emotional damage she was causing. And I get that is where the guilt comes in. You know she loves you and did her best without really having any idea what a healthy parent/child relationship was.

I so really think it would be a good idea to talk to someone about your feelings towards your DM. It will help you manage your reactions to her behaviour.

I really do feel for you OP Flowers

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MissLupescu · 02/08/2014 10:03

Excuse all the typos - getting used to new phone

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MissLupescu · 02/08/2014 10:06

I've just read that post back and it's littered with typos.

I mean, I can understand, like you, why she's the way she is.

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MissLupescu · 02/08/2014 10:14

You also have to keep reminding yourself that it doesn't matter how much help you give your DM, you will never be able to take away what has happened to her or make her happy.

There is nothing more you can do to change that. You are doing brilliantly. Your DM's behaviour towards you is her using you as an emotional punch bag because she has no one else to vent at.

It's not acceptable but I doubt it will change now she's in her 70's.

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Undecidedmare · 02/08/2014 10:22

Thank you.....you missLupescu....you understand.She has tried to do the right thing but somehow gets it so wrong and I have to deal with it.
I don't think counselling is for me though,it would open a Pandora's box and actually I cope well with my method of ignoring/ not thinking about it.
I have suffered my own tragedies that I ignore and could never bear to think about.
On a positive note because I'm depressing myself now, I have a wonderful family life. Fabulous husband,children and friends and a job I love. I enjoy a fun and fairly worry free family life for which I'm truly great full.

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MissLupescu · 02/08/2014 10:53

I didn't get any counselling, I just vented to DP instead, bless him Grin

I get the Pandora's box thing. I don't want to analyse her behaviour too much because I'm afraid I might end up hating her or never being able to forgive her for certain things (which I know she didn't mean to do).
She doesn't deserve her own children abandoning her.

She has a great sense of humour though, so I use that to my advantage during one of her rants.
I also just nod and let my eyes glaze over and think about going to the shop and getting some profiteroles (I love them)

That puts me in a happier place Grin

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whataboutbob · 02/08/2014 12:09

Miss Lupescu you sound incredibly sorted. It took me 22 months of counselling to get to this point, coping with the demands of a father with dementia. A father who'd been moderately abusive during my childhood, and for whom i desperately wanted to do everything as his illness encroached, until I learnt the absolute necessity of ring fencing some of my life. I have read that those who were not adequately parented actually find it harder to break away, and keep revisiting the relationship, in the hope of making it better. That rang alarmingly true for me and the knowledge has helped me to take some distance and cope better. I'm still there for the necessary stuff, am not walking away, but know I have the right to a life of my own.

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