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Elderly parents

Care package - help!

12 replies

drzeus · 26/06/2014 07:30

Hope someone can help - I need to have a brain dump about whats happening.

I've posted here about DM who had a stroke on 25th May. Affected her left side. Her arm is better (although still weak). The leg is not. We had a care review meeting on Monday with the hospital and Social Care to discuss the options regarding her care.

DF (88) and DM (83) want to be together at home, so that is the route thats been agreed. Social Care have said that she needs x2 carers 4 times a day to do personal care (including pad changes) and transfers. DF is going to be doing cooking (has been told about meals on wheels option) and caring for mum on an ongoing basis. DF will be meeting the full cost as they don't qualify for funding under means testing.

We've suggested a gardener too and she will need a sitter if DF has to go out for docs appts, dentist etc.

Given the option of either arranging the care ourselves or letting Social Care do it, we opted for the latter as we felt overwhelmed trying to sort it all out in a relatively short timeframe. I'm really worried either way. I'm worried dad won't be able to cope. He had a bad chest infection a couple of weeks back and my DSis and I basically had him under "house arrest" so he would get better (either that or be admitted to another hospital). DM also has Alzheimers which seems to have got worse since she's been in hospital. She is also very despressed and now on ADs.

We've got the bed being delivered on Tuesday and are awaiting other resources such as a hoist and commode. We've tried to re-arrange the furniture within their house, but they have too much stuff. For example DF has said put the dining table in the lounge (where!). DSis and I both think he is in denial about everything and thinks everything will be the same as it was before the stroke when she comes out. I'm also trying to take time off to be there when equipment is delivered so he hasn't got to worry and is able to then go to the hospital to see DM.

We've been trying to "tidy up" at their place but he is very much a hoarder and a couple of times he has got quite agitated when he's discovered things have been moved. Since then, we've backed off.

With the introduction of carers, we've got DF to agree to get a new cooker (as the existing one doesn't work properly) and a new washing machine (as they have been using a twin tub - very resistant to new technology). Of course there are plumbing issues which we are having to sort out for him (whilst working full time and looking after the kids etc).

I been visiting DM most days. Last night DF admitted that he was really worried about how things will work when she comes home. What happens if she needs to move/use the commode between care visits? DF can't move her on his own and certainly can't use the hoist.

This is all so new, we feel like we're overwhelmed and I'm so worried for both of them.

Sorry for the long post. Please could someone reassure me that it's going to be OK.

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drzeus · 26/06/2014 21:44

Bump

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twentyten · 27/06/2014 23:53

Sending youThanks and Wine. Sounds tough. Marks and Sparks ready meals are very good. Age uk may be able to offer help. Would it be worth having more care around just as your dm comes home?
Get all the help lined up you can. And take it easy. Look after yourself

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FightingFires · 27/06/2014 23:57

Definitely get in touch with Age UK. Used to be age concern, and they do some sort of 'leaving hospital' package, that's free for a few weeks, they check in and can do shopping and stuff, maybe sitting with DM when DF has appointment. Good luck x

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socialworker · 30/06/2014 12:48

Find out which agency is providing the care and talk to the home care organiser direct about your concerns. They deal with these situations day in, day out and should be able to make personalised recommendations about what is best for DM and DF. As DM is self-funding the number and length of visits can be decreased or increased as required.

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drzeus · 30/06/2014 17:36

Thank you all for your replies. I'm very grateful. All the equipment is arriving tomorrow, so I'm going to be there to oversee its delivery. Will also use the opportunity to follow up with a call to Social Care.

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Tanacot · 30/06/2014 18:06

If you're paying for the care make sure you get control over the agency as they can really stick you with any old rubbish when there are great providers out there. I rate Bluebird but I don't have experience with elder care so they might not be appropriate. But there's no hurry to do that.

When you have headspace, look at trying for CHC (NHS funding). They will tell you you don't qualify but they tell everyone that at first, I know from experience.

One way to manage family tension over the necessary house alterations is to get your local Falls Prevention Officer to come round (get Age UK to refer you). They will hold a clipboard and then it's not you telling your dad off.

You should ask for "reablement" and follow up over and over when you don't get it. It's about six weeks of more intensive help in the home after a hospital stay and should include getting things like shopping, cooking, washing, and daily activities set up as well as health management and physiotherapy so it's well worth getting. Really push for this if you can.

Your dad qualifies for his own Carers Assessment and should get support for himself, though obviously you might not want the battle.

Ask for your local community alarm scheme. This is normally free and they'll get pendants to press in case of emergency.

Good luck. x

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drzeus · 01/07/2014 15:14

Got pendant alarm installation arranged for next week. Bed, hoist and commode all delivered today. Sitting with mum at the moment. She can't remember why she's in hospital. Confused Now sleeping. I'll follow up with Age UK - that sounds a really good idea. My sister is trying to get hold of Social Care. I'll get her to find out the name of the agency so we can talk to them. So much happening at the moment.

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RuddyDuck · 06/07/2014 02:55

I dont know where you live, OP, but certainly in our LA whether your parents are paying the full cost of care themselves or not is irrelevant if they opt to have the care arranged via Social Services.

Our LA only contracts with certain care agencies. In our area, if your parents wanted to use an agency that wasn't on the Social Services list then they would have to arrange private provision. It's the same with number/ length of calls. If the social worker assesses that , for example, your dm needs a 30 minute call but your parents would prefer a 45 minute call because they'd like the carers to do some additional jobs, that wouldn't be allowed, even if they are full-cost payers. The social workers make their assessments and arrange care provision regardless of someone's financial circumstances - that gets sorted out afterwards. It might be different in different LAs but that's certainly the case in ours.

Arranging care provision via the LA would take a lot of the admin burden off your parents but give them less flexibility.

Your local Age Concern office will be able to give you information and advice.

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drzeus · 12/07/2014 20:54

Quick update.

Pendant alarms installed now. Having spoken to Social Care, we (Dsis and I) are now contacting Care Agencies directly as we have no timescales as to when Social Care can fulfill the requirement. DSis has spoken to a couple of agencies, local to DParents, and they sound just what we are looking for, based on the criteria from the Social Worker.

Fast forward to today, when DSis talked to DF about the findings. He said that he would rather wait until DM is up and walking. Given that she is currently wheelchair bound, we are not sure that is going to happen. He didn't really give us any feedback, just put the paperwork to one side and left it.

Talk about frustrating. I don't think she had physio in the stroke rehab unit last week at all. I need to follow up on this on Monday.

It's all getting incredibly stressful. DM is begging to come home. DF is sending the message to her that it will be soon, yet saying something different to us. We think he is in denial about the whole thing. We suggested a number of things to make life easier for him which initially he was keen on, he has now backtracked and said that he would rather wait.

At the end of the day, it's down to them to agree what they want, and pay for it. It is expensive, due to the current requirement of two carers x4 times a day.

Rant over. Tomorrow is another day.

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roadwalker · 12/07/2014 21:04

I work in elderly rehab
Is she on a rehab unit/stroke ward/general ward?
If at all possible, and something we would do, I would request they try to replicate the care package to check it is viable
So only attend to your DM the times she will be having visits
Then you will know, does she need pad changes or commode in between visits and how will df manage if so
What about night times, ask to see the night care plans. Is she needing assistance at night and who will manage that at home
Check services in your area. Is there a fast response team to call on if df cannot manage

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roadwalker · 12/07/2014 21:06

Just seen she is on a stroke rehab unit. Ask then if they can replicate the care package

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drzeus · 14/07/2014 16:54

OMG! Social care took an agency in to see DM this afternoon. Had a voicemail from the social worker this morning. Just had a text from DSis to say she is being discharged on Wednesday. I've got a stinking cold and no voice so I'm as much use as a chocolate fire guard at the moment. Can't quite believe it. Need to catch up with DF later.

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