Feeling guilty

[sayerville]

I am starting to dislike weekends, which is mad. I work 30 hours over 4 days so have Wednesdays off, its Mum's expectation that I go every Wednesday and the weekends are starting to become the same.
She will phone and say are you coming round today and I feel bad if I say no. I always go on Sunday and try to keep Saturdays free to do all the other stuff like shopping, cleaning washing etc.
Feeling fed up as she is becoming more demanding saying Oh I'm having a really bad day I thought you were coming, all she wants is some company but when I arranged a sitter she didn't like her and I ended up cancelling this service.
I don't have any siblings to help, quite the opposite I have a disabled brother, but I won't go into that!

[whataboutbob]

Hi sayerville. I have been there, in fact i am still there, Dad is a widower with AD, brother has mental illness which Dad neglected for years so i have had to drag the psychiatrists through the door. I'll say it straight away- you need to ring fence some of your life for yourself. There is no limit otherwise to how much your mother will take. That sounds harsh, but there is a real risk you will just become overwhelmed. Start setting down some boundaries, outline clearly when you are available and when you are not. If this is too difficult for you to do, maybe counselling could help you untangle why your mother is able to extract so much of your time and energy. Your title is Feeling Guilty. But why exactly do you feel guilty? You have a right to time for yourself.
Good luck.

[twentyten]

Hi sayer. Sounds tough- am there too. Bob is absolutely right- huge wisdom. Boundaries, what you can and can't do- and time for you. When my mum was first ill with arthritis the ot said much to my surprise don't get too involved. I work part - time and don't let my mum know when I have free time. I do what I can and have got support- carer to help her have a shower/ cleaner/ someone to take her to physio gardener etc which she pays for.
This will not get better- all you can do is protect yourself. Support here whenever you need it.

[sayerville]

Thanks for your wise words both of you. whatabout I can completely understand all of this, my parents did not address my brothers issues and maybe if they had well......anyhow it's rubbish sometimes isn't it.
The last month has been really hard, maybe because after much debating I arranged support just a little each week to get her used to the idea, not overwhelm her and she has been awful about it but at 5.5 stones she needs to eat and I can't be there so I arranged just twice a week and I have increased it to 4 times starting this week boy have I had her complaining! But I have to do it for her AND me. Unfortunately she knows about my Wednesdays and weekends I feel guilty as she will say 'oh and I thought you were coming round today. oh dear....' and I feel bad. Daft isn't it, I feel like my life isn't my own any more and won't be for quite a while yet. I also fear for the future what will happen to her etc. as it's only going to get worse. My Dad also had dementia, so not much hope for me and I remember what a bad time he had of it too. Sorry to ramble, I don't know anyone else I can talk to in my position though I'm sure there are millions of us out there. Thank you for your support xx

[twentyten]

Post here whenever it gets to you. Please don't give up on the careers- your mum might resist but be persistent. Wednesdays- aren't there a million things you need to do? Dentists bank etc appointments ?
My dm accepts I need to be back home for my dd etc- boundaries are so important- make time for you every week. Do you have dc's? Or dh? Look after yourself

[CPtart]

My DM has the same with my GM. She is now on anti -depressants, largely due to the stress of being the only child within a 100 mile radius and having to deal with my GM expectations. My DM gives her time, GM wants more and more. Older people can be incredibly selfish.

[whataboutbob]

Sayerville- I could go on, but it would be my issues and maybe not yours and i don't want to be offensive. It's a bummer that our parents give us life, then seem to extract back as much of it as they can, when they reach the vulnerability of old age. It is kind of taboo to say it but yes the elderly can be very selfish. Dad cannot see for a minute the stress he is putting us under. Because of his dementia he can't see it, but even before he could be very demanding. Anyway this is a tough gig, there are more and more of us in this boat as modern medicine keeps people alive beyond ages and levels of infirmity they would ever have reached in previous centuries. So we have a duty to ourselves to draw up as good a deal as we can for ourselves. No one else is going to do it for us. Health and social services will expect children, especially female children, to keep dishing out the care unless we say no.

[frogsinapond]

I will second (or third?) the wise words from bob. The old folk do get very introspective and do not seemingly appreciate at all what we do for them. We have recently cut back from giving my in law's carers a 2hr break every day by getting an agency to cover the break 3x per week to great cries of protest from FiL, but it was really getting too much and souring the relationship between dh and FiL (as FiL would usually rant at him, which was hurtful, even though dh knew it wasn't his true nature, but the illness). Creating this distance has worked really well as dh and FiL are getting on better now and dh and I get a moment or two to ourselves sometimes. Do set up boundaries at whatever level you need to stop the resentment building and give yourself some time and don't feel guilty about it (easier said than done, but your sanity is important and needs protecting).

[twentyten]

Great advice here. My mil is now in a secure unit with dementia- much worsened with her trying to care for her mother and dh after a stroke and resisting help. We have a duty to our children to look after ourselves and our own health.

[throckenholt]

When you have elderly (ill) parents the rule is you will always feel guilty for not doing enough, no matter what you do. It is because you don't want them to be going through whatever it it.

But you can't change it. So you have to give yourself some space, and try and rationalise it. Wind back time to when your parents were in their prime. Would they genuinely have ever wanted you to run yourself ragged for them ? Would they ever have expected it.

So - do what you can cope with - try and make it quality time when you are with them. And find as many coping mechanisms and help that you can.

You have a life too - and it shouldn't be subsumed into your parent's.

If you can - be honest with your mum. Tell her you would love to be able to spend more time with her - but you can't cope with all the other demands on life you have. You need some downtime to recharge your batteries.

[whataboutbob]

Having said all this, and because I am now feeling a little guilty about criticising old folks' selfishness , I have known some, from my grandmother's generation, who were stoical and gracious till the end. My gran was appreciative of anything and everything I did for her. She did get a bit repetitive in her last year, but never carping or guilt trip inducing. Same with her lovely cousins who lived to ripe old ages and kept positive outlooks nearly till the end. But others can be so demanding you really have to draw the boundaries. With my Dad's dementia, his behaviour is often utterly unreasonable and aggressive. I am starting to develop a better backbone and limit my time with him, as he will sadly not change, only get worse. He has carers for most of the day.

[sayerville]

This weekend is no better. To help my cousins called in and my uncle took the paper as normal. My aunt woke me this morning and called to say she was bad today. I called her and said I was going shopping and that a meal would be delivered later. I just called her now and she said it was slop and disgusting and made her retch and that she wanted no more of them. She said she tried to make a sandwich and mentioned my cousins went. She said she shouldn't be on her own and I pointed out she cancelled the free sitter she said no I meant you should be here.
Then...what time are you coming? What are you doing?, I explained that as I work I am trying to catch up on cleaning/washing/shopping, she said I'd had all morning to do that and said that no one wanted her and started to cry, I said it's not a case of that but i'm finding it hard to devote time and she said well that's nice coming from you. I said I would call round later, now I'm annoyed I have given in to her, she is so demanding.

[twentyten]

You poor thing- it sounds awful. Make sure you have a treat. I find if I don't give away too much info and cite tasks I have to do for dd/dh my dm questions less.
I also let her know when the next visit will be each time- sounds like your dm is a lot worse. Marks and spencer ready meals really suit mum- bang them in the microwave. Much sympathy- but you must look after yourself.

[Needmoresleep]

I don't know if it is a generational thing but my mother will assume that, as a good wife, I am obliged to put my husband's needs first. So though I get no credit for being a dutiful daughter he gets lots for tolerating me prioritising her. She seems terrified that one day he might put his foot down, leaving her alone.

Also perhaps she feels confident in being able to manipulate me, but understands him less.

Anyway the upshot is that I can say that he expects me to do this, that or whatever, and I don't get any complaint.

Weird but useful.

[twentyten]

Agree totally with sleep!!! It works wonders. My dm thanks my dh for letting me do something.........