A role model for ageing gracefully

[maui50]

I find myself pondering a lot lately about how best to grow old.

My parents are in their 60s and in good health. They have been married more than 40 years and now find themselves in quite prosperous (wealth-wise) old age, through sheer hard work and determination, having started out their married lives with very little. They work well together as a couple - they have common interests and common friends but give each other the space to do things as individuals. They enjoy each other's company (and bicker a lot too mind you!) but are not totally reliant on each other e.g. one can go on holiday without the other and it's not a big deal. In fact, they are quite independent e.g. my dad's a good cook and he's responsible for various daily/weekly household chores such as doing the washing. We recently came across a video of my 7th birthday party - my mum has the same figure all these years later and my dad has gained a bit of weight, but not that much really. When they have minor ailments e.g. a toothache or an ear infection, they get themselves checked out asap - they are responsible for their own health, and have changed their diet/exercise patterns a lot recently as they approached old age (e.g. eating more fruit, going to the gym, taking naps during the day). They have, in my view, aged gracefully.

My in-laws are not ageing gracefully. They are of a similar age to my parents and married for a similar number of years. While my parents were ambitious in their youth and high-achieving by the time they retired, my inlaws have always played it safe - and now find themselves on a single pension between them, with concerns about money (DH and I have given them money in the past - not because they were desperate, but because it took some of the worry away). They are in poor health - MIL with various aches and pains (daily complaints) and FIL with a disease that has made him deteriorate drastically in the past 2 years, to the extent that he now cannot dress himself, cannot move around much, can't hear well etc. It's like he's aged 20 years, and while it's difficult to witness, what bugs me is how both of them are coping with it. FIL was always very reliant on MIL - she would serve him his dinner right on his plate for example, as he would be too dim to spot what's on the table and help himself. He's always been foggy e.g. can't remember what hummus tastes like (never took an interest in food or food prep) and unable to follow conversations. Rather than take responsibilty for himself as he grows older and succumbs more to the disease, he relies on her more and more and she lets him. He was needy before and is now so needy that she treats him like a baby and enables all of it.

As with so many people on these message boards, I find it hard to witness weakness. Apart from anything else, it's incredibly dull to be around people who complain about their ailments all day, about all the medication they take and generally wallow in self-pity. It's not interesting and it's not insiprational - it's plain boring. Frankly, what little youth and energy I have right now is being sapped by seeing this every day.

DH was trying to figure out the other day what role models for ageing that FIL had when he was younger. His own parents and aunts and uncles died at a relatively young age, so perhaps he didn't see how you could grow old with pride and defiance - rather than giving in to the difficulties. I think I know who my role models for ageing are. And it's not the ILs.

Who are your role models?

[LadyGardenersQuestionTime]

My mum. Joined the waaf in 1939and served throughout the war, part of the generation that brought in universal pensions and the NHs, brought up three daughters in cloth nappies without a washing machine (swears we were all trained at one), stepped up to find work when my dad's businesses failed, and at 94 still amazing, loves life, happy, avid newspaper reader and news watcher. I raise a glass to her and all like her!

[woodlandwanderwoman]

My role model is my DF who is fighting the hardest battle of his life with strength and dignity after being taken critically ill two months ago. He may never fully recover but I am so proud of his determination. Until this time he was a very physically and mentally active man involved in more community and charity work than most people are in a life time, whilst always being my image of a perfect father, husband, friend and grandfather.

I think it's important to say there is nothing very graceful about his ageing, which virtually happened overnight.

My point is, anyone can be graceful when things are going well. It is those who have strength in times of adversity who inspire the most. My dear father will be an inspiration to me forever.