Education and Children's Choice

[NotQuiteCockney]

We're debating moving DS1 to a new school. Luckily, we all seem to be agreed that this is a good idea. I'm not sure what we'd do if he was opposed, he's only 4.

In this context, DH and I have been discussing our school choices, when we were children, and remembering that we didn't have any, not even the appearance of choice, or consultation. Even when we were "choosing" our secondary schools.

What do other parents do? This is a long way off for us, but I'm interested in establishing principles.

[NotQuiteCockney]

Bump?

[Blandmum]

do you mean, what imput should kids have over the school they attend?

[tamum]

I certainly never had a choice; we moved several times when I was of primary school age and it was never discussed with me at any level. Nor was secondary, but I was happy with the choice for that. Both my children have been to the local primary, so no choice offered there, but we are just choosing secondary schools for ds. I have certainly taken his views into account- luckily we agree, but I would have taken his opinions quite seriously. Dh on the other had thinks I am quite mad for even considering it

[NotQuiteCockney]

That's exactly what I mean, mb. Do you let your kids choose what school they go to?

I was in a special program as a kid, was terribly bullied, and desperately wanted out. My best friend and I picked the secondary school we wanted to go to, out of the program, but our parents said "no".

I understand my parents' view, I really do. I think I could have just used with some sympathy, or the feeling I was being consulted ...

[SueW]

Dependa whether there is a choice. Most children I know don't have a choice, just go to the local primary which feeds into the local comp.

However, the private school children I know have more choice and, if they pass the exams, are often given a say in where they want to go for senior school. For one family this means that even though they moved to within a mile of the school they thought their son would go to, he is now boarding weekly at a school twenty miles away. He was adamant he would be happier there; he was the only child from his Y6 to go there; he said it just fel right.

[frogs]

Somebody asked this recently re. secondary schools. The consensus was that children's opinions should be listened to and taken seriously, but that ultimately the adults should make the decision, on the basis that an 11yo could not be expected to understand fully the implications of his or her choice. Also there was agreement that the factors children tend to be influenced by (where friends are going, whether they like the gym) are unlikely to be particularly significant over the longer term.

As it happened, dd1's preferences coincided with our own. If they hadn't I would have done a great deal of subtle lobbying and explaining in the hope of bringing her round to our way of thinking. Clearly no-one wants to be sending a child to a particular school against his or her will. But hopefully it shouldn't come to that.

[Blandmum]

I never had a choice, but then tbh neither did my parents.

I think there are a range of issues to take into account. Obviuosly you want a child to be happy in a school, if they are not happy, there are unlikely to learn. So I would say that if a child is so oppesed to a school that they will be really unhappy (and I stress the really bit) that that must be taken into account. This is like taking into account food preferences along the lines of 'If I eat that I'll vomit' and they are being honest about it....you would go along with their wishes on this one.

One thing I would say is that sometimes kids take against a school for rather superficial, silly reason, not liking the colour of the uniform, or the school lay out. Now, if you have to choose between two equally good schools, you can take this sort of prefernce into account. If the other school is better, tell them to learn to live with a naff uniform! This falls into the same sort of catagory as letting them choose they clothes each day. If they pick well you let them, if they pick badly, you tend to step in.

In the end you are the adult and they are the child. Children tend not to be about to make rational decisions well, they are swayed by minor issues. They cannot think through the consequences of their actions.

If everything else is equal, let them choose. if you feel that school X is better for your child, taking into account their individual needs and desires, go with your choice.

In the end we don't let them choose their diet daily, why should we think that could make bettwe choices of a school?

[LIZS]

At 11 I wanted to go to the private girl's school which had a swimming pool, had a blue uniform and played lacrosse. I passed the exam for bith this school and another private girl's school but didn't get a scholarship and fees were higher so parents sent me to the other one which was more academic.

We just moved our kids to a school which sounds as if it has a similar ethos to the one you visited. It tries to identify and develop the strengths of each child whilst giving them opportunities to try different things. Many go on to academic secondary schools at 11 or 13 but things like sporting or musical achievement are rated highly too. We're all very happy so far so doubt you'd regret it.

[NotQuiteCockney]

I am pretty happy with our current choice, other than the whole "how do I physically get him there" nightmare.

But I've realised I could bike it, so that's fine, if it comes to that.

I'm not suggesting that 11-year-olds should be allowed to make the decision on their own. I do think my parents made the right decision, when I went through this. I just wish I'd been given the impression my opinon mattered, even if it didn't affect the final result, IYSWIM.

[roisin]

I'm all in favour of listening to children, and giving them chance to express their feelings. But the older they get the more dangerous it becomes IMO in trying to manipulate them into thinking they have had an influence on a decision, when actually they haven't.

My boys are only 6 and 8, but already they seem to prefer either for me to make the decision when they realistically don't have a choice (and this applies to secondary schools for us), or for them to be given a free choice when that really is possible.

Trying to mix the two breeds resentment - in this house at least.

[binkie]

It's quite a delicate balance to get, so maybe some parents think it's safer to err on the side of protecting their children from worry.

I think we nearly made a mistake recently - ds (who's six and a half) is going to do a test for a selective school, sort of to see how that changes our options for his schooling - and we did present it to him as something where he might have a say. He's usually a go with the flow person up for anything new, so we were surprised (and a bit ashamed) to see how he was starting to take on the decision, and the responsibility, and the worry about getting it wrong, as all his. He's calmed down now, but I think we maybe shouldn't have taken that tack.

[frogs]

We said to dd1, very clearly, "We want to hear your opinions, and we will take them seriously, but in the end we will make the final decision."

She's fine with that. I don't think she would have wanted the responsibility of feeling she was making the choice herself, tbh.

[mandylifeboats]

My thread on this topic last weekend was fabulous for thoroughly exploring all sides of the issue(Should the final say be ours or his?) and as a result our DS now knows that he will be going to the school we consider most beneficial to his long term needs. He seems very happy with this, and as another poster said, almost appears relieved that we have listened to him, considered his view and explained to him why we feel as we do. Certainly this week talk has been of "When I'm at XX school....". Now all we need is for him to pass the exam! Actually, another sign I have taken to be positive this week is that he has been keen to resume his 10 min a night exam prep homework, which I'm sure he wouldn't if he wasn't OK with it all.

[Blandmum]

fab name btw, mandY

[mandylifeboats]

Should meet my sister, Lydiadustbin!

[tallulah]

DH let DD choose her own school for 6th form against my wishes and the whole thing went horribly pear-shaped. I'm afraid I'm of the opinion that parents get the say.