not getting feedback from nursery school

[dexter]

Help! My son is three and has been attending a small nursery school since September. I had worries about how he would settle because he's always found it quite difficult to separate from me - but he's done really well, a few tears on my leaving and that's it.

My problem is that each time I pick him up, even if there are no problems reported to me, there is never anything positive said at all! Not even, he's had a nice morning, or he's enjoyed this or that - nothing. My mum picked him up yesterday and they asked could we leave him for lunch now, to help socialise him, as he still tends to play alongside others rather than with -and "he won't join in with drawing or painting" (which he HAS, on many occasions there)my mum said she felt defensive and started to justify him saying he does at home! She told me she felt an air of disapproval of him, but it's nothing you can put your finger on. I just feel they don't seem to value him at all.

They always report problems (which are not bad - he never hits, or fights - he's very gentle. However he can be bossy and I know they have to make him realise he's not in charge!)but as I say I have never heard anything positive about him from them.

I am very wary of moving him as he's still quite new - does anyone have any ideas??? I am about to ask for a meeting for feedback on how he's settling by the way.

Do your nurseries give more information? Parents evenings? anything like that? Thanks!

[Twiglett]

3 years old tend to play alongside rather than with when they start to learn to socialise with their peers, especially if the situation is new to them ... surprises me the staff wouldn't know that

I would personally go with your gut feelings and look around for alternative care .. if your mother is picking up on disapproval too that would make me more different.

Being new to a place is not what stops a child settling (and its been a couple of months) .. but feeling uncomfortable there might

[dexter]

Thanks twiglett! The thing is I think he has settled absolutely fine - otherwise they would have real problems to tell me about! It's not so much him not settling as me not being told anything GOOD about what he's been like or done. There MUST be something? They once said that "he's very articulate" but even this had a sniff of disapproval about it, because they were telling me that in the first couple of weeks he would tell them that I wouldn't come back, and they would try and re-assure him I would, and he basically had an answer for everything they said!

Maybe I'm too fussy? Should I just drop him, pick him up and assume there are no probs. Be a bit more no nonsense about it?

I guess I just thought I'd be told a bit more about what he does rather than 1 hurried minute at the door when he's going?

[elastamum]

Why dont you ask for a meeting with the person in charge and raise your concerns, it may be that they just dont think about it. also the reaction of the staff in the meeting will tell you everything you need to know. We always had a 10 minute consultation every term where we discussed what was happening and looked at things they had done

[BudaBabe]

I think asking for a meeting is a good idea. Then you should get a better idea of whether they are just too busy to point out the good stuff! No excuse in my view though.

Does he seem happy? Is he keen on going? Has he made any friends yet?

My DS started nursery at 3 also and after the initial settling in tears loved it so much he went from mornings only to full days as he wouldn't come home! All his friends were there having fun and he felt he was missing out.

I also have to say IMO 3 yr old boys are often not interested in painting and colouring - my 4yr old isn't yet! But they know that at school and encourage the little bit he does do!

[dexter]

thanks budababe. I do feel he likes going - never makes a fuss, always gets dressed for it (will refuse other outings during the week!)
But he doesn't seem to think of other children as 'friends'. I do introduce the concept to him, and talk to him about the other kids but I do get the feeling he doesn't really engage with them.

Have noticed as well that he is very resistent to 'joining in' - would much rather do his own thing and his instant reaction to 'lets do this' or 'lets play with so and so' is NO!!

But surely this is what he's learning at Nursery? That's why he's going!

[dexter]

meant to say budababe, he's always very keen indeed to come out, barely waits to get his shoes changed and I have to firmly prompt him to say goodbye to people.

[Pennies]

I get a writtten report every day telling me what she did, when she slept, what she ate (and how much of it) and what her nappies were.

Sounds to me like you need to have a chat with them.

Good luck.

[BudaBabe]

Is he any only one? Mine is btw.

I would have the meeting with the school and point out that he is only three (you shouldn't have to but there you go!) and one of the reasons you put him in nursery was to gain those skills (i.e. socialising, joining in, etc etc.) and that you don't expect it to happen overnight. What are their suggestions for encouraging him?

It's a difficult situation. I was happy with DS's nursery and the teacher and how he was doing but I know other Mum's were unhappy - same nursery, same teacher. We just had different experiences. And sometimes the teachers take to certain children more easily than others - I'm not saying it's right but I suppose it's understandable.

Don't know if this waffle will help but I hope so!

[dexter]

Pennies, yours sounds like a day nursery? This is a nursery school. Thanks for your thoughts! Budababe, he is an only child! You can tell, oh dear.....you are very wise about how different people view different situations. I do find the teacher a bit of a cold fish, maybe she just doesn't warm to us. However I do feel it's their job as you say to ENCOURAGE him.

[saadia]

dexter, my ds1 (4 in Jan) joined his nursery in Sep. There too they never really say much about how he's getting on unless asked and they do say that they are always available to discuss any issues.

When I did ask the nursery nurse said all nice things about ds but she is the type who even if she did have a criticism would say it in a nice way.

[Orinoco]

Message withdrawn

[Orinoco]

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[Wallace]

I found exactly the same when ds started Nursery, I would love for them to say something along the lines of "he enjoyed playing with the trains today"

Eventually I realised that if I wanted feedback I would have to ask. They were always forthcoming if I asked them questions. Dd is now at the same nursery and the staff feel like old friends now

[MrsSpoon]

My DS2 is three and in pre-school nursery. His nursery has a whiteboard outside each classroom which tells the parents what they have been doing as a class, ie 'We have been out playing on the bikes, read The Gruffalo and had fruit for snack' which is helpful when it comes to discussing the nursery session with DS2. The nursery nurses are fantastic and do offer little gems without being prompted but if they don't offer any information and don't seem to busy I generally just ask "Has he been OK today?" or something like that. His nursery has a parents' evening for more indepth discussion.

I agree that if you are concerned and can move him then it would be worth a go, although if he and you are happy about other aspects of the nursery then maybe a chat with them to explain that you want more info about your DS's day would improve things. If they don't have things like the whiteboard that they have at my DS2's nursery in operation then maybe they would implement something like that.

[MrsSpoon]

Arrrgh, 'too busy' not "to busy".

[Shimmers]

My ds has been in nursery since he was 6 months and the children get moved up every 6 months. When I first started, communication was very basic. He ate this, pooed, x number of wet nappies, how long he slept etc. As he got older, I would really only get feedback about negative behaviour. This is important for me to know but I asked if I could also know what he actually played with that day. Despite my requests, the same info was given and so I decided to meet with manager and owner. Since then, I always get a low down on activities but I still have to initiate questions about how he is doing with some staff. One keyworker was brilliant and would give me specific examples of how he was developing in his play, such as "he built a great tower today... he shared so nicely when....."

In my experience, if they don't tell you much, you do really need to ask specific questions. I did once tell a keyworker (nicely!) that it was important for me to know when ds had not behaved well but that I felt she never told me anything positive abpart from basic imfo about what the kids as a whole had done that day.

Note! There have been a couple of times when 1 keyworker said 'he's had a brilliant day' and then another one said 'he's not had a good day'. As these two members of staff were working with my ds, I was very confused (and annoyed actually) and (I must be a nightmare parent) I met with manager again to discuss the need for honest communication! Sometimes I do think, how is my son really doing?!!!!! As he is a happy child I try not to worry but it is always at the back of my mind........

Without meaning to be disrespectful, some staff entering nursery education are very young and in some nurseries turnover of staff is very high and this can lead to poor relations with parents and children. I know that when I entered education, I was petrified of parents and tried to avoid them at all costs! Unfortunately, staff need to be given training in learning how to communicate effectively with parents. However saying that (and as my hubby always reminds me), alot of staff do work their arses off and get paid very little for their efforts so we must give them a little slack. I realise this, but they are our babies and we only want the best for them don't we!!!!!

[Hattie05]

IMO (only judging on two pre-schools dd has attended) pre-school staff are good at interacting with children but not so good at interacting with adults!

I have the same concerns as you Dexter. Although i don't get ANY feedback good or bad, despite the fact that i fish for it everyday, the replies are either "oh i don't know i wasn't with her group today" or a nod of the head and muttering of "yes she's been fine" which never sounds particularly convincing.

After chatting with some of the other parents (perhaps that could help you?) we have come to the conclusion that the staff just don't have any people skills!

I have read observations that they have made on my dd which seem pretty good, and dd comes home and tells me names of children she has played with so i feel comfortable that she's ok there (despite tears each morning when i leave ). But other mums spy on her for me and tell me she always seems fine when they go in.
Do you chat to the other parents? It may help you build confidence in the setting.