Horrendous Parents Evening......advise needed please....sorry long!!!

[inthepink]

Went to ds parents evening on Monday and came home in tears
She basically told us that he was socially inadequate, his speech needs to be sorted out, that he stabbed anothe pupil in the arm with a pen....it just went on and on. She didn't have anything positive to say except that he had settled in ok. He loves going to school and he is a happy, chatty little boy.

Ds is only four and started in reception in September, as far as we were aware he had settled in nicely and apart from his speech there wern't any major problems. He has been referred to the language and maths department (who help children with language and maths problems) this was 6 weeks ago and he has still not been assessed!!!! We weren't informed of the incident with the pen and neither was the mother of the other child because I asked her. I also work at the school as a teachers assistant so why weren't we informed???!!!

we sent a letter to school the next day saying that we were really upset with what was said at the meeting and that we wanted to be kept informed of ds's progress etc, and that we wanted to be assessed asap so that we can take it further if needs be, not sure if there is a genuine problem with his speech or if it is just a delay ( he was a late starting to talk)

Now the teached wants a meeting with dh and me to discuss the letter (wtf) we also sent a letter to the headteacher so that we can push for his assessment with the LMD.

Has anyother mumsnetter had these problems or any teachers that can give their views of what to do next, we just want what is best for ds

Thanks

By the way we don;t live in the UK but ds goes to a fee paying British school

[Janbo25]

sorry can't offer any advice, however feel you're absolutely correct in wanting to be kept informed of ds's progress especially given the fact that you already work in the school, so they must see you fairly frequently!!

[Twiglett]

I would assume that everything stems from his language disorder .. if he is finding it difficult to communicate then it is hardly surprising that he will find it difficult to forge social relationships in the chaotic environment of classroom and playground .. I think the teacher should have focused on her plans for improving this

As for the teacher wanting a meeting with you to discuss the letter ..why wouldn't she? (am surprised by your surprise tbh) .. you had a meeting, you followed it up in writing and now she wants to discuss it. Go with an open mind .. maybe you'll reach a resolution.

Do you think the teacher is lacking in some way? In which case ask for the head of year to be present too

the first year is difficult .. and remember he's only 4

[Twiglett]

stabbing another pupil with a pen sounds really emotive doesn't it?

could it have been poked?

and what caused the incident?

if there was any harm done then I assume both parents would have been informed at the time.

[SoupDragon]

Yes, you should have been told of any problems as/when they occurred but, like Twiglett, I don't understand why you're surprised about the teacher wanting a meeting following your letter - I assume the head has talked to her about both letters that you mention and she now, quite rightly, wants to talk about them. If she'd not made a meeting would you not think she was ignoring you??

[inthepink]

Thanks for your replies....I'm not sure if I am over reacting to the evening with it being the first one we have had

Twiglet - she left a message in ds's book requesting a meeting. she didn't say it was to discuss the letter, I called her to ask if ds would have been assessed by then and she said it wasn't likely therefore we don't want to meet with her or the head of year until he has been assessed and we know what action to take. You are right in saying that she should have had an action plan for improving ds's social skills and language diffuculties but she didn't, she just sat there and gave us all negatives and no positives. To be fair she is fairly young and no children of her own so she probably doesn;t realise the effect her words had on us.

Ds is an only child and somebody since has said that that should have been picked up before now and he should be having some help with his social skills, am going to see the deputy head next week to see if we can get him the help he needs. Fingers crossed.

[Twiglett]

because I'm not emotionally involved in this situation it is probably easy for me to see things that you may not immediately be aware of.

What do you think would be the impact of you refusing to discuss things with your child's teacher but going immediately to a superior?

Is there a possibility for him to move to a different class? If not, then your child will be interacting with this teacher for the rest of the scholastic year.

If you think she is young and doesn't understand then explain to her

I think if she has asked for a meeting you should meet with her .. reinforce your concern over how long the assessment is taking .. get her on your side and on your child's .. work out together a plan forward .. ask for her professional advice.

I think basically you should take much care with the personalities you are dealing with ... teachers have feelings too and can be hurt by your actions .. especially a young and relatively inexperienced one

[BudaBabe]

My DS is also 4 and in reception (also a fee paying British school outside the UK).

I think you have to make sure you keep the lines of communication open with the teacher. She obviously WANTS to discuss ways of going forward. Even if he hasn't been assessed there are things they can be doing in school and things you can be doing at home with him. I would imagine that is what she wants to talk about.

If he has speech issues that could be a reason for the frustration. Has his hearing been tested? A friend here had similar issues with her son and he was referred to a speech therapist who recommended a hearing check beforehand - turned out he needed grommits. Teh difference in the child was amazing afterwards - all the teachers commented that it was like dealing with a different child. He still has speech therapy but has come on really well.

Hope it turns out ok - please meet with the teacher - she obviously wants to help.

[addle]

I feel really sorry that you weren't told anything positive about your little boy - and I think that you could mention this to the teacher - maybe say that he seems to love school (so she must be doing something right?) which is why one of the reasons why this came as a horrible shock.
Good luck with the meeting - you never know it may be just what is needed.

[baka]

I'd meet with the teacher- but I'd be as pissed off as you are.

Something similar happened to us when we were in mainstream. When asked how he had got on (every day- he had SN so I met a member of staff at handover every day) I was told "fine" or sometimes "he was a bit grumpy" or sometimes "we couldnt do anything with him". Annual review came round and I received a report with the school requesting restraint training because he "headbutted, kicked and scratched staff". This is not normal behaviour for him (hitting himself is and headbutting a wall is, but not other people). I was very lucky in that our private SALT had been in school working with him and had seen a headbutting incident (basically his LSA was trying to get him to thread beads, he wouldn't, so she stood behind him, held both hands and tried to force him- bearing in mind he's no verbal and at the time his language comprehension skills were between a 12 and 18 month old- he objected to being held down and hit backwards with his head). When I rang the SALT and asked her "what the hell is going on in there?" she toild me (she had dropped hints before and told me they weren't managing him and were causing behavioural problems).\

Anyway point of all this is at the meeting (which was with teacher, senco, head, nice LSA (not pin down one), LEA rep, autism outreach teacher, autism outreach LSA, and SALT (who I paid to be there) I pointed out that a) I had not been told about the behaviours as it happened, b)this was not normal behaviour for him, c)asked exactly what had happened (at which stage the head looked a bit shocked and said "if you pin down a child by their hands then they will hit backwartds with the only thing they can move- any child would) d) told them that I absolutely had to be informed of any incident and e) I would be sending in a beahvioural chart to fill in every day. They continued to make a pigs ear of it all so in the end I sent in behavioural instructions as well so "if he behaves like this then act like y, don't not do z"

He left the school soon afterwards and these sorts of problems are a distant memory- but yes I remember exactly how furious I was that I hadn't been told and it had just been landed on me so I understand how you feel.

If I was you I would go to the meeting and explain what techniques you use at home. Also take it as an opportunity to push for assessment. You could ask themto fill in a simple chart each day for you (Mine was something like a list of behaviours and then 3 boxes to tick, one for good, one for so so and one for oh dear. It meant that if they haded him over and said he had been "fine", but had ticked oh dear - I could ask what had happened.

[SoupDragon]

I agree you should meet with her now - if you wait until he's been assessed, you could have a long wait! There may be things that could be put in place now to help him in the absence of any formal assessment/help. You ust have an idea of what things work for you when interacting with him and what sort of things he imply doesn't understand. This will be a sart. You can also reinforce that you'd like to know how he's got on and if there have been any specific incidents/concerns that you could deal with/explain to him at home.

Good luck

[inthepink]

BudaBabe - ds has seen a ENT to rule out hearing/glue ear, dr said nothing wrong, I have spoken to the head of LMD to tell her this and that he recommended speech therapy but the LMD said not to do anything yet as it may simply be a delay with his speech and they will assess this. Just feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. Think I will just take him to see a speech therapist anyway cos if we wait any longer for him to be assessed by the school he might be in year 1 and still be excluded from playing with the others.

Twiglett - I fully intend going to the meeting with the teacher, the year co-ordinator is going to be there as well so she might be able to explain how long things take, I also don't want to jeopardise the relationship between ds and his teacher but can't understand why she left it to a 10 minutes parents evening to tell us that ds isn't doing as well as we thought, we want to do all we can to help him as much as we can, working with the school not against it.

Thanks all for your reply, I knew mumsnetters could let me see a different view,