Selfish spouse - I want out

[manamum]

I've been with my partner for almost 5 years and we have a 1yr old girl. I'm absolutely fed up with his selfishness. Before meeting him I haven't had too many relationships and I just want to know if you were me, you would leave. We both work and I actually earn more, he's incredibly tight with money and quite often I will overpay my share due to him not fronting up with the cash or not bothering to get pills paid. I run my own business AND take care of picking up and dropping of our daughter at daycare. I barely have time to myself and yet he naps EVERY weekend. I'm often out alone with my daughter at parks or the beach because he can't be bothered or it's not something he wants to do.

If he loses his temper in public he has no problem shouting at me in front of other people. I have tried to leave several times but he makes me feel guilty about our daughter not having a father or makes my life difficult by not watching her as I shower or putting her to bed. He actually seems like a very nice guy to outsiders and does love and take care of his daughter but I can't stand everything else.

Trust me I have tried talking to this guy but being 10years older than me he is very set in his ways. Firstly would you leave? Secondly how would you go about it?

[OnePlanOnHouzz]

I would book a holiday for you and your daughter - don't tell him, leave a letter saying how his behaviour isn't acceptable, give specific examples ( men aren't mind readers ) and say you will be back in two weeks to discuss then next step - then just up and go - have a couple of weeks of single parent time - see how different ( if at all ) it is and see how you cope ... When you get back let him lead the conversation - it might be all 'I missed you and I'm a twat and I'll change' - or 'I've found a solicitor and let's separate' - but I'm pretty sure he will expect you to make any decisions as it appears from what you have said - he's not a leader ! Letting HIM start the conversation will let you see if he's committed or not ! NB. In your letter don't threaten divorce - don't be malicious or rude - just factual. Ie you are a wonderful father when it suits you, but I don't think you realised it's a 24/7 commitment and I am getting really tired and cranky because I'm filling all the gaps, I really need your support all of the time, not just when you feel like it ! We'd be much better parents if we both pulled together ! Yes you are tired - but I'm tired too !

As for him shouting at you in public - that's not acceptable behaviour anywhere - the fact that he does it in public could be a sign that he needs people to see he can to assert control over you - because actually he feels he can't ! Trying to work as a team - showing you are equal partners should help this - and keep your books and profits/earnings to yourself - let him feel he earns more as his ego will be bruised if he knew the truth...

It's a really big thing to leave - it can be good - it can be lonely - good friends may take sides and you can loose your footings for a bit - if he's violent - just go and don't look back - stay dignified - never enter I to a slanging match - keep as calm as you can in front of your daughter and always reassure her that she is loved !

Hope you can have a holiday and mull over what's best to do ! Good luck ! :-)

[sandrachapman]

If you are not happy with your partner and if he really the person as you described then just leave him as you are independent and take good care of your child.

[bobs123]

Okay so just imagine yourself 15 years or so further on which is where I am now. I stayed with my STBXH because of our daughters, who now tell me they wish I had left him years ago as he made life so uncomfortable and exerted so much control through emotional blackmail. I suggested separating several times over the years - even gave him one year to shape up, and tried (patiently!!) to explain how he was letting us down. Of course I know now he was never going to change or even think anything other than it was my fault and he was the perfect husband/father...and of course I have turned our daughters against him!!!!???

He said that if I divorced him he would move right away from the area as he couldn't be in the same area and not be living with us etc - i.e. he would never see the girls!

I ended up paying for everything for the girls despite earning less than half what he did- he would complain that I spent too much e.g. £30 for Clarks shoes (they only owned 1 pair of shoes at a time when they were little), yet he accused me of being tight.

The way we worked it, was he payed for all the household bills that could be paid by DD and I paid the rest. This did not work in my favour, especially when buying larger items and having work done on the house, but I suggest you sit down and do some sort of work-out - put a percentage of your earnings into a joint account every month from which you pay all bills or suck-like??

I agree that you should get away for a bit - holiday or whatever, and really make him realise that you are capable of being without him. Then sit down and have a good talk and make him realise you mean it and you find his behaviour unacceptable. Do now under any circumstances let hime make you feel guilty.

Should you leave him? Only you can answer that one.

As for how to go about leaving him, you need to speak to someone as to your rights - free session with a solicitor? I saw someone in 2010 even though I am only now going through the actual divorce. You also need some good friends around you to help stop you going totally nuts!!! And don't expect it to happen quickly. If someone is a procrastinator in normal lit, why should they be any different in a divorce scenario. There's a lot of stuff you can read on the net to help you.