Alcohol/drugs/husband's inability to grow up ruining my marraige

[Unhappy80]

Help please.

I've been with my husband for about 5 years and married to him for 1.5 and I am ready to send divorce papers to him. We have a son who is 4 months old, so before I press send I want to know if there's anything more I can do before I accept that this is over and there's nothing more i can do. This is mainly in the interests of my son; I do not want him growing up in this heated, awful environment.

My husband's personality changes when he gets drunk. He gets annoying, very very defensive and touchy and will not listen to whatever anyone tells him. He becomes very immature and aggressive, sometimes in public and its embarrassing. The behaviour runs in the family, with his older brother and sister resorting to loud, brash (and often chavvy!) behaviour when they are drunk. He doesn't have an 'off' button. He will come home with a six pack and promptly get through these and more (up to around 12 beers if he keeps going) in one sitting, one after another. Despite it making me very unhappy, he says I am controlling him and don't allow him to have any fun. He gets drunk every weekend, both Friday and Saturday and begrudgingly promised not to drink during the week. (He will have a few beers though, without fail - he just might not get plastered.) My worry is he will pick up our child when he is steaming drunk despite my asking him not to. He insists he is sober, always when he is drunk, and will argue with everything I say or suggest. It's really worn me down over the years, to the point where I don't like to go out with him at all and I hate being near him when he's had a few drinks. He makes inappropriate comments and expects me to find things as witty and as funny as he does - it's just got so old, I'm so tired.
He won't do this every night, but perhaps once or twice a week. He can't sit still or stay in the house, so when I've been out a few hours you can see he is desperate to leave to go out and see friends and have a 'few beers.'

His brother was a heroin addict (now fully recovered), and while I was pregnant I found coke in the house. His father and mother also like a good drink and will happily down a bottle or two of wine at lunch everyday. Despite my pleas to try and cut down or curb this, even for our son's sake - more so even than our marriage! - he won't and it's very offputting and scary.
He's come home before and vomited everywhere. This happens maybe once every three months. He has a reputation.

Will he ever change or am I kidding myself? I've got him to stop smoking marijuana in the week (he still does though - he sneaks over to his mates and smokes there), and asked him not to smoke when he knows he will be playing with or picking up our baby. He boils this down to my nagging and controlling him and that I never let him have any fun.

We argue all the time regardless. I've forgotten why I even married him. When I peel back the layers of resentment, hatred and all this stuff that's built up - it was because he has a big heart. He begs for forgiveness and manages to stay on the straight and narrow for maybe three weeks to a month max. Then he will go and undo it by having a massive night out. It's almost like he just can't grow up and he wants his 'old' life still (the one without our son.)

I don't have any family here (I'm foreign), and battle with his for the same reasons. Now that we have a son I have to consider him. I am so unhappy and not sure how to end this awful cycle or make him see the light.
Divorce just seems inevitable.

Any advice on how to proceed with divorce, what I need to consider, and what I'd need to do for child maintenance for my son please let me know - I have nowhere to start. I also can't lean on anybody for this, as it will only worry my family sick who live more than 10 000 miles away, although I imagine my mother suspects all is not right. Do I stay here or go back to my home country?
I want the best for my son - so I want to ensure that if he wants to see his father, he can. (When he is sober!).
I am weary of telling any friends, as I fear I will be judged.

Any advice would be great.

[Solasum]

He is unlikely to change. He doesn't think there is a problem.

Do you work? Do you own your home? Have an escape plan in place before trying to initiate divorce.

Make sure you have copies of financial documents.

[JaneParker]

Was about to say exactly the same as Solasun - do you work, do you both own a property together? If you don't work and money may be short if you split it may be worth getting back to full time work now and finding childcare to make things easier financially when you part and the two of you need to keep two homes.

You can divorce after 1 year of marriage on the basis of his unreasonable behaviour.

You cannot take your child abroad legally so do be aware of that (unless you obtain the court's permission and even if the court agreed it may well not be right for the child to separate it from its father). You could go abroad of course and leave the child here with his father - no reason women rather than men should have their child living with them.

[Unhappy80]

Thanks everyone for comments so far.

We share a home/mortgage and I work full time. (Currently on maternity leave.)

[JaneParker]

I think it will be your decision. I suspect it's morally wrong to move a child thousands of miles away from the other parent in just about any circumstances although a court might well permit it - the husband can apply for a prohibited steps order to stop the child being taken out of the jurisdiction and have its passport impounded. There are some countries which will not force the parent back to the original country. Check if your home country is a signatory of the Hague Convention or not. Actually you may not want go back, divorced single parent, no job whereas here you'd be divorced but with a job and the other parent around to do half the childcare and more likely to pay some child support. He will probably have to pay 10% of his income to you for the child if the child lives with you under child support rules with sums knocked off depending how many days a week the child lives with him although with a 4 month old whom you might still be breastfeeding I doubt he would get over night stays.

For us the biggest cost was full time childcare for 5 children including after school for the older ones when we divorced. As I earned 10x more than their father I had to pay the continuing cost of that childcare £30k a year!! and all the school fees and in due course the university fees. Most women are not in my position so don't have all that financial burden. However do think about in any financial settlement who would pay for childcare costs as they can be £10k a year easily for a full time nursery place in many parts of the UK. Ideally you'd each pay half.

Also on the mortgage presumably you will both want your own place after a divorce so either you take out a bigger loan if your salary can cover it and buy out his half of the house (if there is any unmortgaged equity in it) or you could both move into smaller places.

Really it would be worth paying a good local divorce lawyer for an hour of their time in one meeting to advise you on this better than we can on here, even if you have not yet decided. In my view you should divorce. He will never change. If you divorce before the baby is older it will not remember a split although you might want a second child and have that first before parting.

[Celynfour]

I would never advise anyone to leave or stay, that decision rests with you.
A lot of your story feels familiar. Without telling you (in boring length) my story suffice it to say that I am on my own with my children now. My eldest (of 3) was 9 when my H walked out 20minths ago. He had done addiction counselling, Relate and AA. Lots of people will tell you drinkers can reform but that wasn't my experience. He is still drinking now.
My advice: get good advice, put your finances in order, have a plan a and b, look at the AlAnon website, know both your rights and responsibilities. Don't get to the point where one of you just walks, the fallout is chaotic , desperate and horrifying. Put it right, make hard decisions but don't rush.
And btw I was always called controlling. I'm not but dealing with a drinker sometimes makes you unintentionally control your environment to stop it becoming unpleasant.

[ImperialBlether]

It sounds an awful life, to be honest. You must be walking on eggshells.

He clearly sees nothing wrong with what he's doing, though he sees you as doing something wrong as you are trying to stop him living the life he wants to lead.

Would you rather go back home or would you rather stay (eg if you didn't have a child, which would you choose?)