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Divorce/separation

Hopeless situation?

14 replies

jilted · 15/07/2014 22:08

Hi, me and oh had/ have been together almost six years. We have three young children.
Our marriage has had lots of ups and downs. I've not been perfect.
It started right at the beginning. A small thing (such as something out of place) would result in a few days or even weeks of silence. Being totally ignored. I've tried to understand until now and put the 'non silent times' to advantage. Lots of criticisms and dismissals and basically daily let downs accompanied this. ( Hw I dress the kids, what I cooked for dinner, table out of place, how I put nappies on etc, even though he does none of this himself)
I took it all on the chin until a few weeks ago I crumbled. Feeling extremely depressed and stressed, I left to go to my mums with the kids. (3 hours away)
He initially thought I was off on holiday until I told him I'd applied for school places etc. He has been down to see the kids a few times and I came back here this week as I felt I had to make an effort too.
(The only reason I went to my mums is that it is the nearest place I know anyone and had to stay)
I felt bad, I feel guilty but I was getting so upset with it all at the time.
Nw we have talked about it, he says he will change and he didn't realise how serious it was and he wants us back.
I've made steps to stay near my mum, applied for tax credits, looked fr jobs, gt my dd a school place there etc. But I feel really guilty as he always took good care of us financially.

The worst thing is, I don't have any feelings. There is just nothing, not even anger or sadness. Just feeling sorry for him and guilt.

Do I move back in and give it another go if he says he will change? He seems genuine. What on earth do I do?

It's a really important decision as dd1 starts school in September and its not easy fixing places and I would hate to move her after a few months.

Can a marriage be fixed in this state?
Can I ever get any feelings back?
And do I go back for the sake of the 'family?'

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MamaBear81 · 15/07/2014 22:36

You can't stay in an unhappy relationship through pity for the other person. I get the impression that you love him (as the father of your children) but are no longer IN love with him. And there is a difference between the two. He may very well keep to his word and do everything in his power to change his ways, but that doesn't necessarily mean your old feelings for him will return. Intact it's quite unlikely if he's ground you down to the point where the only thing you feel is "sorry for him"... Also going back for the sake of the family will only do more harm than good in the long run. Children pick up on an unhappy atmosphere. And what if you go back, realise it's not going to work and leave a second time? Of course it's your call, as you're the only one who can make the decision. But give it careful consideration.

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jilted · 15/07/2014 22:46

That's what I'm afraid of. It would be harder to leave again. I feel really empowered by the steps I've taken this far to actually get out, I'd thought about time again but never actually did. I feel more confident now, I was so scared I would not be able to do it alone before. Now I know I can. If I go back now on the steps I've taken and the same thing happens in six months, I'll have really messed things up.

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wallaby73 · 16/07/2014 06:40

Love, he sounds incredibly abusive; there is a word for the silent treatment, it's called "stonewalling"......his behaviour could be called "gaslighting" - fabricating an issue out of thin air (moved a table??) and punushing you for it making you feel you are in the wrong and doubt yourself. These are recognised common traits of an abuser, designed to keep you under control, doubting your own judgement and your confidence non-existant. Abuse does not have to be physical. I suggest you get this moved to the relationships board, there ae many many wise and supportive women on there....take care and most importantly you have nothing to feel guilty for xx

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wallaby73 · 16/07/2014 06:43

And another thing...stick to the steps you have put in place, you owe him NOTHING, he has not earnt your sympathy and this is no environment for children to thrice, they need a happy mum, and you deserve to be one x

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overmydeadbody · 16/07/2014 06:45

No, you do not give it another chance.

He will not change, and it will be harder for you to leave a second time.

A marriage can't be fixed when one person is abusive.

You need to stay away for the sake of your family. Your children deserve better.

He will still have to contribute financially.

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jilted · 16/07/2014 07:40

Thanks for the replies. Life can be so complicated ??
Finding the confusion hard to deal with. It's when they start being 'nice' and want to change that it gets so confusing. I wish he had just gone off with someone else tbh or was just mean all the time. It would be so much easier.
Thank you, I need to hear the honest brutal truth from the outside ??

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GallopingGloria · 16/07/2014 08:03

I agree. This is abuse. Please do not go back. Hugs

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jilted · 16/07/2014 08:15

Thanks galloping, basically he is saying he didn't 'realise' it was so bad.
I know in my heart I think. It's just my head that hurts!
I really wish I had written a diary to refer back to.

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wallaby73 · 16/07/2014 08:45

It's all part of the cycle of abuse....the silence and belittling, and when it ends you're almose grateful, relieved....they wind you back in with the "nice times" and you are walking on eggshells to avoid a trigger (impossible , he will choose anything, you put a spoon down "wrong", you moved a chair....you breathed...) and repeat thecycle, no abuser is nasty 100% of the time. It keeps you confused (but the good times are really good...) and wrong footed, doubting your own mind. But you must remember, how much abuse should you tolerate in a relationship? Zero x

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GallopingGloria · 16/07/2014 09:24

Jilted, it is just as wallaby says. Please get out.

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jilted · 16/07/2014 09:43

?? I think so

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creativevoid · 19/07/2014 07:14

Please don't go back. Wallaby is right. He is an abuser. They rarely change. It's all promises when they realise they've pushed you too far, but when you go back they know you'll continue to take it. You deserve better and your children need to know that this is not an acceptable way to behave. You've done so well to leave. Be strong and get angry. A little anger at the way he's treated you instead of pity for him might help you stand your ground.

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Noregrets78 · 20/07/2014 23:26

OP there's a really good book called 'why does he do that's by Lundy Bancroft. I think you'll recognise him in there, and see lots of other red flags that this is abuse. Nice times are just part of the cycle. Why else would so many women end up stuck for years.

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babasheep · 13/08/2014 03:35

Op if you can manage without him then don't go back to live with him. It may get worse the second time round. He may seem ok initially but it will soon slip back to the same patent especially you may become more dependent on him financially as the kids and yourself get older.

I was in a similar relationship for many years but I was not lucky enough to have any one or family member to go to. Only last year we separated. He visits the kids once a week or as often as he wants and we have family lunches. But we keep a distance. It works better for us this way or for me anyway. I would not say I am happy but at least I can relax while I am at my home (my space) but I couldn't while I lived in his house.

Anyway only you know your saturation best and hope you find the best compromise.

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