Seperation advice needed please

[dustybin83]

I have very recently made the decision to seperate from my husband on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. I am struggling with the emotional side of this and the fact I am splitting up our family, however feel that I now have no choice. For the past 3 years (since I was pregnant with our second DS) my husband has gone through a pattern of behavior a number of times (I have actually lost count now) of loosing his job and hiding this for months, running up huge debts, dissapearing for hours on end and coming back very drunk and at points verbally abusive. He has lost / walked out on countless jobs and has gone from a man whom when I met was on a career path and had great prospects, to someone who ia unable to hold down a minimum wage job. When this first happened I discovered a pile of hidden letters etc when my second ds was a few weeks old after having suspicions for some time. I considered leaving, however felt he should be given a chance to put things right and he apologized and said all the "right" things. We managed to put right the huge amount of debt and mortgage default which almost lost us our home through my savings and also help from family which I felt very uneasy about. Anyway, at that point I felt it would solve the problem and help us move on as a family. My husband got a new job and seemed to get on with things, however on reflection I don't think any lesson was learned because he was essentially bailed out. Since this time his behavior has spiraled out of control. Despite me having control of all finances he has lost countless jobs and is now at the point where any money he gets is frittered away on alcohol in the form of cheap bottles of cider which he hides. He lies constantly and ensures me he is working, however on arriving home from work early he is always at home and takes great offence at the suggestion he is not working. His latest set of lies include a job which he is apparently doing but has no proof of and has not paid him for 2 months now. The last time anything went into his bank account was February. In addition to this he has allowed my home to be run into the ground and does absolutely noting around the house. I come home every night to a full sink of dishes, unmade beds, no washing / hoovering done and toys everywhere. I have tried to confront him but this does not work and I am really concerned about the environment this creates for our children. I have now decided to leave, however am concerned about how I can get out and sell the house. I plan to rent somewhere, possibly with my father initially as I don't think I am currently able to do this alone. Due to the issues over the past few years I went from being the one stepping away from my career to going back to work when my son was 5 months old and fighting my way up the career ladder from there. I now have a great job which I am very proud of, however it is demanding and full time. I certainly do not want to ask for special treatment at work because of my current situation. Does anyone have any advice on similar situations? My husband knows I am going to leave and seems to go from accepting this to being quite angry about it. Thanks and sorry for the ramblings :-).

[Julie991]

I would talk to a solicitor about your options before you leave ,
financially & logistically it sounds like it would be easier for him to move out . There is a great organization called " staying put " who help women
experiencing domestic abuse to stay in their own home .
I went through something similar with my first husband , I bailed him out many , many times , my ex's alcoholisim was a coping method for hiding that he was gay .

Whatever happens though don't let him tell you that it's your fault , mine did & I believed him for years .

Best wishes & good luck to you & the children xx

[Minime85]

Hi. Def go and get at least one session of legal advice just to hear where you stand etc. do you want to move? Do you want to stay in the family home? Can u pay the mortgage on your own? Your dh will need to give you money too so take that into account.

I saw a solicitor once and then filed for divorce myself. It sounds like you have plenty of evidence for unreasonable behaviour.