Leaving my husband

[Vicky3232]

I am new to this, so here it goes. I've been with my husband for the last 12 years. For the last 3 years it hasn't felt like a relationship any more. I have tried and tried to talk to him he promises change but he doesn't. We don't go out anywhere, his family puts me down and he just lets them. Every family get together I dread. My sister is supportive but I'm worried about my children. He is a fantastic dad to our children. He buys them anything. I have become fully reliant on him after giving birth to our second child and giving up my career to be a nurse. I just feel trapped. My 16 year old old has said it's not all about the romance though and that at 35 I'm too old to want that. I just feel really confused as to what to do. I love him but I'm not in love. We don't do anything as a couple and I dread spending the next 20 years doing the same. Any honest advice will be listened to thank you.

[LauraKBZ]

Hi Vicky, I am new too, just read your message, big hugs to you. I have been married for 13 years and have just decided to divorce. Not an easy decision and one that I really have struggled to make over the last 4 years. We have grown apart and like you I am not in love with him and often wonder what we would have in common now if it wasn't for our child.

Some advice if it helps, I really do feel like I have exhausted everything. Individual counselling, couple counselling and really talking about it to my close girlfriends until I am actually bored of my own moaning. SO for me it is the end of the road. And I am really shitting myself even though I know I am doing the right thing. Divorce is really hard which I am starting to discover. You must be absolutely sure before you embark on this.

Have you suggested going to see a counselor together? Does he REALLY know how unhappy you are? Does he want to lose you? Do you think if he understood how you felt you may be able to make it work?

Ultimately I think as individuals if we really listen to our hearts we know what to do. No it isn't all about the romance but is it wrong to expect some? 35 is REALLY young, you have a life ahead of you.

As for his family putting you down and your husband not having your back, I feel for you, in my books this is unacceptable, it has happened to me a few times throughout my marriage and this I have found hard to forgive. But again is he fully aware of his behavior?

I hope I have helped a bit.

xoxox

[HenI5]

Hello both, sorry that it's difficult situations that have brought you both to MN.

Vicky how old is your other DC? do you have much personal time free to do things for yourself? I'm thinking about your feelings of being reliant and trapped and wondering if you could pick up on your former career? or any other career come to that. It would be one step in making a better life for yourself come what may.

35 definitely isn't too old to want to experience some romance, yes, it's not all about that, but you're a human being, a woman, a wife as well as a mother and you don't have to settle.

To give you some context, I've been with my DH for longer than you've been alive, but knowing what I know now would marry him again in a heartbeat. We have a great time together, lots of fun and since our DCs grew and left home, have just as much of a relationship as we always did.
So, it can be done despite some of the awful stories that you read on here.

It sounds as though perhaps your DH gives lip service to what you've been telling him, but not really taken it on board.

Stick around and you too Laura there's a wealth of experience and support on these boards for women who know exactly how you're feeling and what you're going through

[LauraKBZ]

Thanks Vicky, its good to know that the happy ever after is possible with the same man possibly the right one in my case! I think I am gonna need as much support as I can get over the coming months. Have a lovely weekend.

[meadowquark]

OP at the age of 16 a person of 35 looked very old indeed!
I considered divorce in the past, was in doubt what is best for me and my children, created several threads on MN... But eventually there came a point where I was sure that I want a divorce and there is no way back for me. My husband would never agree but at this point I wouldn't even go through councelling. I am not divorced yet and my husband does not know my decision but I am seeing a lawyer next month. Enough is done and said that I don't want to stay with this man anymore. He is a crap dad so maybe that "helps" a little.

For once, I am 35 and in no terms I am feeling old! There are good 40 years of life ahead of me!

Do not rush if you are not sure, but if the moment comes where you would rather be on your own than with him, and when you know that you want to divorce without MN advice, then you are probably on the right track.

[Vicky3232]

Thank you so much for your replies. My other DH is 8 years old. I have took up teacher training again to restart my career. I have spoke countless times over the last 2-3 years saying that things need to change. He says it will but it just never does. It just feels like circles.