Emotional bullying within in a Contact order

[ELR14]

My husband took me to court for shared residency, day pior to court he applied for full residency! He failed and we have a contact order. Which was rushed and complied with detail but without thought of its longevity. Ironically he has less contact now than before court action.

My Ex is inflexible and consequently the contact order is imprisoning us, no movement for spontanous invitations, holidays, activities (such as dance exams, residentials) without involving his solicitor. My ex refuses to allow his daughter to conduct activites and or attend parties in His contact time again unless solicitos involvement and much pleading.

The hostility is entrenched. I have receieved in excess of 50 letters and emails from his solicitor in 6 months!

I have returned to court to vary the order (as it dose not work and consider any change in cirsumstance) under emtional and phycological abuse. I hold little hope and expect to be just told off at the final hearing, for failing to communicate amicably.

I am still receiving threats from my Ex solicitor, only yesterday it was a preventions steps order, even through I had consulted him over the matter of concern.

I can not believe I am to put up with written threats and weekly 'tellings off' form my ex solicitor whom I have reported to the appropriate complaints body, whom are unable to investiagte until the case is closed; that will be in 9 years when my daughter is 18!

Is there a civil action I can take. How do I stop this emtional bullying. Its is physiological violence.

Any help and advise

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I went down the route of sticking to the contact and letting him say no you can't go the party etc. My DD who was then 9 quite quickly told him what she thought of that.

[JaneParker]

I would just stick to the order by the letter even if your daughter misses activities. Plenty of children manage without any activities and I expect it won't hurt or as someone says above she will explain to her father why she's fed up with missing things if she wants to do them.

[Letitgoletitgo]

Can I ask what the contact is? May not be as inflexible as you think. You just end up living out of your diary and planning around it like many people do. If your daughter misses activities to see her dad, then as other posters have said, let him be the one to tell her.

[ELR14]

Thank you for all your comments, the post was and is not about my daughter missing out on activities during contact with her father, albeit her disappointment.

Its about being in receipt of 50 solicitors letters in 6 months from his solicitor, some trivial others not.

Its about being emotionally bullied, with constant legal threats of action, weekly telling's off.

We are not left alone to have our human right of a family life. Surely there must be some rights for the resident parent.

[tiredandsadmum]

Are you my twin? I have just had exactly the same conversation with my lawyer this afternoon. I have less rights than a prisoner serving life. Last time I added up I have over 1000 emails over the last 3 years. This doesnt include all the legal letters. My own conclusion is that there is now little chance of a RP having a life if the NRP is abusive. I don't feel yet that I could call the police in but I am under siege in my own home. This abuse escalated after he left the family home, the OW (now new partner) is very spiteful too. I just feel for my DS = he can feel the tension.

[Romeyroo]

I feel your pain. I stick to a very rigid contact schedule, but for the reason that I was being bullied outwith the legal process for additional contact as and when, access to my home etc, and so if there is a rigid schedule, then it is clear. I do handovers at a neutral location, I email once a week with anything dc dad needs to know and I do not respond to anything else. At all. I think if you take the view you have certain responsibilities in law as the resident parent (sticking to contact schedule, consulting over education etc) and ignore the rest, then it is fine. If you start trying to filter out what is unreasonable/reasonable, you are constantly running.

That apart, I tend to go on the basis of whether what he wants would stand up in court on those matters such as consulting/contact etc. If the solicitor is threatening you with a preventive steps order as a form of bullying, at some point you have to take a deep breath and say, go on then. If you have acted properly and consulted within the law, and his objections are unreasonable, then the court action will not get far. If every piece of bullying has the desired effect (you accede to his demands), he will keep doing it.

I wish you luck with revising the court order.

[ELR14]

Thank you ladies for your input and comments, I am of the opinion that the solicitors threats of court action the bombardment of emails and letters, weekly telling off and constant demands of consultation and withholding consent unless done their way; is a form of emotional and physiological abuse.

I have reached the conclusion that it is not a case for the family courts but another matter that could come under the malicious communications act and intend to investigate this further.

I just feel for the children involved in such disputes, whilst a good parent dose not involve them in the details, they can pick up the emotional stress and pressure on the house hold. whilst I am self employed, single mum, running house hold my other full time job is legal work, all hobbies, leisure time have flown out the window.

I have reached the conclusion that I will be in and out of court until my child is of legal age to leave home and that is when I will be able to complete my complaint against the ex's legal representation.

With regards to the prevention steps order, that has recently been threaten, I have done just that - and said - bring it on (I see my savings being eaten by law disputes)

I have proposed a round table meeting of both parties with legal representation to discuss the issues and endeavour to find a solution, but once again hold little hope. I want to look the ex and his legal rep in the eye and ask them how they would feel about receiving such letters, do they really think their conduct will aid good future communication, the hostility is now entrenched and being fuelled at an alarming rate.

I think the idea is to bully one into submission, are we, mothers, supposed to just say, yes sir, what ever you want sir, when? ok sir, can I do this sir? and it seems the law supports this.

I too feel trapped, I feel I have iron bars on windows.

Good luck with your on going battles.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

I'm pretty sure there's a section in the Law Society Regulations (I'm assuming you're in England/Wales/NI) for the conduct of Solicitors which says something along the lines of a Solicitor isn't allowed to support a client who is using the legal system to bully and harass. Who did you get in touch with to complain?

I'd post this in legal

[Bonsoir]

Contact orders are meant to be inflexible. If you are trying to insist on flexibility, you, not your exH, are in the wrong and I am not surprised that your exH is trying to enforce the court order through his solicitor.

[EarthWindFire]

Contact orders are meant to be inflexible. If you are trying to insist on flexibility, you, not your exH, are in the wrong and I am not surprised that your exH is trying to enforce the court order through his solicitor.

This is true to some extent.

If you have a court order then you have to adhere to that court order, or return to court to change it as you are doing.

The solicitor letters however are a different matter. Are they issued each time the order isn't complied with?

[ELR14]

Thanks Bonsoir, I disagree with your statement.

unfortunately life is not ridged, stick and under regime. a child need to grow develop, experience life and in separation, when one party is just hell bent on their rights with no regard for the emotions of the child, Courts are involved and contact order are made.

This is where the system is wrong, yes a contact order is not written with flexibility (it could not be enforces if so) however it needs to be written as a Will is, considering all eventualities, especially if produce and in place for 8 years. Life changes, circumstances change and children grow up. We can not run back to court every five minutes to change orders nor can one budget for weekly legal representation cost. Let alone deal with the emotional aspect of constant unfounded threats.

I am very surprise at your comments and the shorted sightedness of the statement. Good luck

[ELR14]

Ladysyilblikescakes
Great name!

I have reported the legal executive to the authority body of chartered legal executives, who believe I have a case, but can not investigate until the present case is closed - which could be in 8 years time, at this rate.

The body will then investigate his conduct and read all letters and will hold the legal executive and his supervising solicitor to account.

I update the authority monthly.

Good Idea, re posting in legal, and yes my ex is using his solicitor to harass! very good point

Thanks

[ELR14]

EarthWind and Fire

Thanks for your comments, I have applied to vary the order and have a final hearing date as agreement could not reached at directions.

I have never not conformed with the order, I have never breached the contents. My ex has!

The letters are harassment, they are written with authority and issue demands and threat over anything from they did not see the child seat in my car to reporting me to the police for a cracked windscreen (it happened on the way to school and I drove straight to the garage) to what DD had for her tea and so on. The legal executive and his client just expected that I am to report and ask permission of them re any thing to do with my daughter, there are issues over the interpretation of the order too.

I am the resident parent, if he wants involvement then he should approach us in a reasonable non threatening way as a contentious, morally educated and emotionally intelligent person should.

Personally I think fathers rights have gone mad.

[Bonsoir]

You are disagreeing with the law as it stands. Good luck getting it changed...

[tiredandsadmum]

OP - you have put your DD real name in your post, please report and see if it can be edited out.

[Romeyroo]

Re the roundtable meeting, I have had two of these over a six month period. They are expensive, and in the first, I was bullied and verbally abused and it went on for 90 minutes. I did stand my ground, but it was horrendous. The second was more productive, but was then followed by several weeks of xH issuing demands out of the legal process (ie he simply changed tactics and bullied me directly).

In other words, I think what you want to say about their conduct can more cheaply be said in a letter. If you have said it in a letter, and they are ignoring it, they won't listen face to face. Save your money.

I think the best thing to do is adhere to the court order and ignore xH as much as you can. You have legal obligations to fulfil, and if you are doing that, then I can't see that there would be a case against you. If they are seriously sending you letters about what your DD had for her tea, just don't reply. It is not a matter of substance.

Agree re getting your dd's name edited out above. I will report your post in case you have not yet come back to the thread.

[ELR14]

Thanks advise, I am hoping the round table meeting will be easier than the court counsel corridor, one hour haggle. But I am not optimistic.

I have been advised of alarming information by counsel that the courts are allowing the Fathers to be entrenched, the parents are expected to get on! if you kick up too much of a fuss they will take the child away switch residency.

I am sure one's Human Rights come into this, a 'right to have a family life'

If I breached the order, if I was withholding contact, fair enough deliver threats, take action.

But it is not right that a father can abuse his rights to try and control ones life. This is just not about me and my circumstances, its seems many of us are trapped by an unworkable system.

going to post on legal

Big thank you, some really productive positive comments.

[EarthWindFire]

Many Fathers would feel that the law is too entrenched in the Mothers favour I guess too.

You both have equal responsibility for your DC.

You say you have residency. Do you have a court order for this or do you men that you are primary carer as DC resides with you the most (I'm not being sarcastic, it's just that the two often get muddled up)

The parents ae advised to get on, or at least communicate as it is the bests interest of the children. Contact problems occur where this doesn't happen and children become pawns in a game between RP and NRP, which can be instigated by with party.

[mistlethrush]

I wonder whether what they are doing could be construed as harassment? Is it worth talking to someone in the DV unit at the local police to discuss this?