I've Finally taken to decision to leave - but is it the right one????

[HelenJBrady]

I've been married for 19 years and have 2 sons 17 & 16.

My husband can be very controlling/jealous/insecure. The reason i'm still with him is he can also be loving/romantic/funny - I think that if things were a tiny bit better I wouldn't go at all or if they were a tiny bit worse the decision would have been easier to make ages ago.

I don't want to describe his behaviour as emotional abuse, but there are certainly elements of that in what he does. The latest episode occured after an argument we had on 17th June (it's normal for couples to argue, right?). I lost my temper but after about 10 minutes calmed down and apologised for my behaviour and what I said. He refused to acept my apology and despite me trying to smooth the waters several times - last night was the first time he spoke to me - 2 weeks of silence because I argued with him!!

This is a pattern that has been repeated over and over again throughout the years of our marriage. I was leaving once before when the kids were little, but they were so upset that I didn't and made them a promise that i'd never leave without them. Our finances are such that I have never been in a position to leave with them and my OH has refused to seperate whilst living together and put the house up for sale. Making the best of a bad job seemed the only option - and believe me I have tried to make things work.

Anyway - now the boys are older, I feel I can leave on my own but get somewhere close so that they can come and go as they please - I've worked out the finances and think my OH could afford to stay in our house without my wages (he built it so is more emotionally attached to the building than me).

Last night was bad as I was really upset (possibly because I had been thinking all day about leaving) and my elder son came to ask if there was anything he could do - my boys are under no illusion about how hard their dad is to live with - and I ended up telling him what I planned. He was really upset but said he knew it was the right thing to do as they'd been talking about it between themselves and even at their young ages they know that things can't continue.

I'm devestated though - a part of me still loves my husband although I realise that it's not enough and it seems so pathetic to walk out on a marriage just because "i've had enough".

any advice????

[Hairylegs47]

Maybes your husband needs a wake up call, you've obviously tried to resolve things, but if he won't even talk to you, it's not working.
Actions are a quick way of shaking things up, hopefully he'll realise what he's been doing and things will get better for you and your boys.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

If your sons are not surprised then it must be a horrible atmosphere to live in. Is there no way your sons could go with you? Or is h the primary carer? Who do your sons want to be with? The decision should be theirs really.

It sounds like a miserable marriage. Not talking to your spouse for 2 weeks is horrible (I went through the same thing with XH).

I think you've made the right decision to leave, but I would ask your dcs what they want to happen. They're clearly lovely and supportive. Leaving them behind could mean they end up bearing the brunt of h's behaviour.

[MissIreland]

This is OP here - just changed my profile name.

I think that staying in the familiar sourroundings of their home will be best for my sons initially - no doubt my OH will try and manipulate them to feel sorry for him, but they have lived through too much to fall for that one in the long term. They are both more emotionally mature than their dad.

Obviously I would love all 3 of us to pack up and leave as i will miss them like crazy, but the reality of the situation is that I can go 3 or 4 days without seeing my eldest as he works in a restaurant and leaves before I get home from work, and that's living under the same roof, so living somewhere but close by won't make too much difference.

My youngest is the one I worry about most as he is the most unselfish caring young man, and will struggle trying not to upset anyone - I've told him not to worry about me and if I do get upset, it won't last and I'll never resent him for wanting to spend time with his dad.

I'm looking at a 3 bedroomed flat so they can come whenever they want and only time will tell where they chose to spend more time. I have always been the primary care giver, but they need me less and less now. If I'm within walking distance I can always be on hand. I'm not planning to start living in a social whirl (couldn't afford to) just because I've left the family home, they will still be my priority.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

:) you sound very lovely.

I think you may be underestimating how much your dcs will want to be with you and need you.

I'm sure you already have, but tell them what you've said here. Say that you'll have rooms for them at your house, but you don't want to put them through a big move if they don't want to. Make it very clear that you would love for them to be with you, but you respect whatever decision they decide to make, and that your home will always be their home.

My worry is that when you tell a child, "I don't want to disrupt things for you, it's best you stay here" they will hear, "I don't want you to come with me, I'm nicely telling you what you should do."

So do spell it out that if what they want is to live with you then you would be the happiest person in the world, but either way it is their decision and you understand.

As for the social life. Whether their with you or not (it's not like they need a babysitter) get out there and enjoy life! :)

This is your chance to reinvent everything. You can be you for a change. I bet your dcs want you to be happy. They really do sound so very lovely.

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

And I've said "lovely" too much, but it's the word that springs to mind!

[MissIreland]

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Thank you x

[FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse]

:)

If you ask to have this thread moved to relationships you'll probably get a lot more responses. This board can be quite quiet.