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Divorce/separation

UPSET, HEARTBROKEN, ANGRY, EXHAUSTED, LONELY, LOST, CONFUSED

2 replies

Lonelymummy14 · 20/06/2014 13:17

Good Morning All,

I would love some advice.

My ex partner left us in March, we tried making another go of it but it seems he always messes up and feels he isn't good enough for me/daughter. He hasn't had a great upbringing and never had to deal with any problems/conflict in life so he runs.

Anyway we are trying to arrange access so he can see our daughter as much as possible. I won't allow him to have her overnight or where he lives due to the enviroment. I don't trust the people he lives with. I have said he is more than welcome to have her at mine and I will go out, he can take her out for food, park, soft play etc. She is 18 months.

We met last night, we decided to talk every sunday regarding when to see her the following week depending on his work that week and my plans. He said he wants to see her as much as possible, i said every day is too much as we still love one another and are both equally struggling. So after this talk he then had our daughter until 6.30 (about 2 hours) whilst I popped out (I had to make plans purposely because I don't want to see him really). Anyway we then agreed he will see her tomorrow for few hours too. So off he goes.....then by 9pm I get a text from him asking how she is? Now I know he misses her but he has just left her and is seeing her tomorrow. How will we ever move on from one another if we end up talking all day and night? :-( I don't want to be harsh and tell him he can't msg me but it just upsets me so much. It kills me saying bye to him and watching our daughter. I know it kills him too but this is 90% his choice to walk away.

Any advice would be greatful xxx

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Minime85 · 20/06/2014 17:44

Hi. I think the contact will lessen in time. It is good he wants to know and try and be as understanding as you can. I had this with ex and I used to update him more too bit now 7-8 months on nearly all contact directly through our dcs. It's difficult as she is so young but time will help

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bevwallace · 03/07/2014 17:04

Hi lonely mummy,

I was drawn to your message by your heartfelt anguish in its title. You clearly have not decided that splitting is the right decision. That is rarely easy to make.

From what you have written, I get the impression that your partner really doesn't want to lose what he has but I sense that he has a critically low self esteem and that he feels he is not worthy of you and your daughter. Perhaps his childhood has made him feel that he has little or no value and as a result makes poor decisions. Take it from me, as a wife us women have to have so many roles and not just mummy, driver, nurse, cook, cleaner, banker, lover etc. It looks like you need to be psychologist, counselor and best friend too. There is no hint of hate or malice in your message. Do you still love him? Is he worth the effort of making things right? Does he still love you? Is he a good and loving dad? If the answer is yes then get the right help. His issues are too big for you to handle and too important to mess up.

I am a nurse practitioner in a gp surgery and your gp is a great place to start. Health is not just about physical things, emotional and mental health is equally important and your gp will have access to specialist services that can help. Even if the relationship is not worth saving then he will always be your child's father and she certainly deserves the best dad that he can be.

I really wish you all the happiness in the world whatever you decide,
Bev

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