Partner visits kids at ex's home

[liska5]

I've been living with my partner for nearly 2 years now, and he's just waiting for his decree absolute now. We have a wonderful, loving relationship, but one thing bothers me. He has 2 teenage children. I've met both of them, the meetings were nice, the kids seemed comfortable. But we both suspect that since those meetings, the mother has been telling them bad stuff about me, or him, or both, I don't know - but they know don't even want to hear about going to our place. So he's been visiting them twice a week, once on a week night and once on weekend, at their home - his former house. When he goes, his ex usually disappears, so he's pretty much alone with the kids, cooks for them, does homework, etc. I trust him completely and I know there's nothing going on between him and his ex. But he doesn't want to force the issue of getting his kids to our place on visitation days - he wants them to "feel comfortable" with the idea first and want to come, instead of him forcing them.

I think - and I've told him that - that it simply won't happen, they're very consciously blocking me and the whole "daddy-not-home" situation out of their minds, and by him coming there twice a week, they may just accept it as if he was still living there, but not all the time. They understand of course that it's not the case, but I suspect that they've simply chosen to think that way and conditioned themselves to view the situation this way, it's easier for them. I don't feel comfortable with him going there twice a week at all, and I don't feel comfortable with them not wanting to come to our place (although I understand how they may be feeling). So I was just wondering if anyone has had a similar experience, when the father keeps going to the ex's house to be with the children, and doesn't want to force them to come until they want it, and what to do about it. Or at least, how I can take my mind off it and not feel so uncomfortable while he's there. Thank you.

[emmamoo11]

How old are they? Yes the mother might be telling them things but I truly believe he must stand by your feelings too. What about meeting at cool restaurant or going for a walk once a week with you as well? Cinema? Maybe slowly you can be more involved. ....good luck. ...awful situation for you. ..

[shey02]

So long as he is doing that and the mother is alienating you, why would they ever want to come to your place. They never will. It's not healthy, I'm sorry you're in this situation. It should at the very least be a neutral place, then your place and you need to be involved. The longer this goes one, the dc can just keep on pretending that their parents are together and that you don't exist, sorry it's horrible. Hugs.

[meandcoffeeequalhappy]

To an extent I have to say that for the children, having their father look after them in their own home, does actually sound the best option. It is their safe and stable place, where all their things are and where they can be relaxed. If mum is keeping out of the way, I don't see why you are jealous. Dragging them to another house, is uprooting them and possibly upsetting. It is not a nice situation for you at all, but it is not about you, it is about the children and their father and their relationship. I have to say trying to put my head on to the shoulders of a teenage child, I probably would dislike "my" dad having a new partner, and can kind of see their point. Saying that I think you either need to accept it and use the time to do you things, or move on out of your relationship and find someone who doesn't treat you like this, it is definitely not your place to make this other family unit (dad and child) to include you by force. Sorry.

[purpleroses]

I think of there's a future in your relationship that your DP does need to look to including the DCs in your home with you. Otherwise you're always going to resent him spending time with them as it's time away from you. One of my DP's DCs was very hostile to me at first but DP set down clear expectations of him and didn't allow protest sulks. It took time but we get on great now.
How about breaking things down to start with - eg dome time with him and the DCs at your house when you're not around? Or all going out for a meal or something together? Is they need to get used to you and also to accepting that their dad has a new home and feeling comfortable visiting it.

[shey02]

Purple; 'clear expectation and didn't allow protest sulks' This is the key because if everyone is doing everything right for the kids, then you have certainly all earned the right to be happy and to include them in 'your lives'. Good idea about them coming to your house, OP, even if you're not there for a few visits.

And with respect to anyone who disagrees, we are all different and try different tactics at times but OP, you have been with your partner for two years ok? At some point (and I don't think it's too soon after two years!) the kids have to come to the table with some kind of compromise too. This is accepting that life is different now, it's healthy for them. Some kind of show that they want their father to be happy, as they would their mother. I wonder if she has a boyfriend if he is allowed in their house when the kids are there?

[itwillgetbettersoon]

We are in that exact position. My STBXH had an affair and moved out to live with ow 2 years ago. Since then he comes to the family home twice a week and spends time with the kids. I go out for the whole period. He refuses to discuss taking the kids to his place. So rather than upset the kids or rock the boat I've allowed him to do it. I've even offered to drop the kids at his place and he will not engage with me.

So OP I suggest it is your partner who is happy with this and you need to make a decision as to whether you can handle it or not. My situation will change I think when I meet a new partner and want some overnight time.

[shey02]

Yes, it's different OP if it's an OW situation. Then extra consideration needs to be given to the dc. My ex did this to me and the kids never accepted her unfortunately, I say unfortunately for all of them really because they never had a chance, the bridge was burnt before they could ever cross it. It's was years of aggro for everyone. Luckily for him, he's moved on to someone new and the kids are fine with her. Hope it's not the case for you, hope it will get easier whatever the situation.

[Momofteenagers]

Well my husband and I have been married 2 yrs. My daughters are 13 & 15. His son is 14. His son used to visit but now he only comes to our house for maybe an hour a week. My husband takes him to the doctor and sometimes spends time with his son at his house. This is after a nasty custody battle. Now his ex all of a sudden isnt alienating any longer. My husband won full custody and the court ordered week on/week off visitation. I know hes comfortable at home but for example something that used to bother me. If my kids werent home ss would say he was bored.(thats why he didnt come) Then next time they were home he would say they were mean. Well which is it? It felt like making excuses to me. I mean wheres the line for spoiled brat? His son will make plans to stay the night or do an activity and sleep through it or change his mind last minute. I just want a blended family but Im living in a situation of isolation. It feels depressing. I feel like my husband and his ex let his son call the shots. Which in my opinion is unhealthy for a child, they dont learn boundaries or responsibility. What do you guys think? I need feedback please.

[millymolls]

They are teenagers
They don’t need looking after
He doesn’t need to go babysit them
At the least I don’t understand why he isn’t taking them out to eat/ to the cinema/ bowling or whatever
While he panders you this ( most likely his ex) things don’t change
As teens they should be able to understand they dad has a girlfriend

I get they may not want to stay with you whole weekends as let’s face it most teens want to just chill in their own bedrooms etc but something is off here and he should tackle it