Does anyone have any advice / ever had mediation with an ex's new partner?

(6 Posts)
twosquared Fri 21-Feb-14 15:09:26

Hi,

I'm considering asking for mediation with my ex's new wife and wondering if anyone has ever done so? Or if you have any thoughts on how I could resolve this issue.

My ex was granted a decree absolute prior to custody or finances being settled on the basis that it would be unfair for his girlfriend to have to bear a child out of wedlock. He made grand sweeping claims in court about our case being virtually settled which the judge accepted. Alas it was completely untrue. We went back to court to settle finances and the judge threw the case out (costs to my ex) when he discovered that my ex had mislead the court on custody issues as he ruled that custody had to be settled prior to finances. Five months later we are still in court no closer to agreement. There are four children involved from our marriage.

I feel that a lot of the issues in our extremely protracted divorce are being stirred by his now wife, I kicked him out after discovering their affair. His sister told me that he removed our car (used to get my four children around) from our house at her instruction - she apparently didn't feel it was appropriate for him to provide us with a car (I'm a stay at home mum after my ex insisted I give up my career).

To make things more complicated I find her morals to be lacking and am not thrilled about her being a big part of my children's lives (I don't think she would qualify for a job as a teacher not would I hire her as a babysitter!).

I understand from others that their relationship began in the strip bar where she worked. She has an arrest record in the US for drink driving. I have emails between her and my ex about using drugs (his access is subject to drug testing but hers is not). She slept in my martial bed during my marriage. She has literally leeched my ex out of money while he has claimed to the court he had none (thank goodness for facebook which has revealed many financial lies). I am now told that she regularly stays at her former boyfriends house. The owner of the strip bar where she worked illegally (American with no visa) has said this woman wanted my ex for his money. (Think holidays flying first class for them while he refuses to pay for his children's swimming lessons etc etc etc)

I am now distraught that this woman (whom my children have only met about 5 times) has been going to medical appointments about my children (who have special needs) with my ex and voicing her opinion. (We are also going to court over their medical treatment as he is refusing to allow the doctors to prescribe medication). I can't fathom why she would do that and I am taking issue with doctors for allowing her into the appointment.

Our divorce - custody, finances etc has now been ongoing for two years and takes at least 40 hours a week of my time. And our assets are going down the drain on lawyers.

I'm at my wits end and am pondering inviting her to mediation. Partly I would like to see if maybe she is someone I could maybe trust with my children (I have never met her). He is asking to have the children for two months a year of holidays but he only has one month off work and I am very concerned about my children being cared for / influenced by her. But maybe she is not as bad as I have imagined her to be and might be harmless with the kids? Also, I'm hoping I could appeal to her directly to please work with me to get this case settled.

I can't ask any friends to help. We no longer have mutual friends (most of his friends abandoned him). All my friends and family hate him for what he has done to my children and I.

Has anyone ever had mediation with an ex's new partner? I really do feel like she is actually the one pulling the strings. Whenever she has been away on holiday my ex and I have been amicable but when she is in the country well....! I think she is the key to putting a stop to this but I'm not sure how to negotiate this????

I just want to get out of this mess and move on with my life (right now four kids under seven, two with special needs and this divorce I don't have a life at all).

If anyone has any suggestions id be sooo grateful.

Thanks

NatashaBee Fri 21-Feb-14 15:22:57

To be honest, I don't think it's going to do much good trying to be reasonable to that sort of person, she sounds quite irrational and your attempt to contact her would no doubt make things worse as she would paint it as you harassing her. If you do decide to do it, I would put the request to your ex rather than her directly. Are you in the UK? (you mention the US, that's all). Why is she going to medical appointments? I would look into whether it's possible to get a prohibited steps order to prevent that. In the interim, you should write to the doctors office/speak to the practice manager and let them know that she doesn't have permission to attend appointments related to your children.

twosquared Fri 21-Feb-14 15:57:11

Thanks NatashaBee. I think you are right. I'm sure she will say its harassment.
I was thinking maybe I could appeal to her for her own reasons (ie if he treats his first family like this, it is setting the bar for how he will treat you down the line). But I suspect it will fall on deaf ears. I'm clutching at straws!
Good advice about the practice manager.
She is American but has been working without a visa... I will speak to my lawyer about the order you suggested.
Thank you!

NatashaBee Fri 21-Feb-14 16:03:02

Can you get her deported? smile

twosquared Sat 22-Feb-14 00:41:17

Ahhh, they are married now, so I guess not! I would love to though smile!

NaPo Wed 16-Apr-14 16:07:34

Hi,

Just wanted to offer a slightly different perspective, no offence. My partner is in the process of a long and not too amicable divorce. He also has 4 kids, all under 10. His ex is not very happy with my involvement with the kids when he has them, but what she probably does not appreciate is that to provide quality time for four kids (taking them to parks, museums, playing age appropriate games) + cook home made quality food (never takeaways or McDonalds), wash clothes, etc takes more than 1 person, as good a dad as he is. She rarely ever takes all 4 of the girls anywhere, usually has her mum with her. My partner has nobody else but my, the evil OW to help. I'd be thrilled if she would like to talk to me about the kids.

In your case I'm afraid you are the kinder, more forgiving and more educated person. Hope it all works out.

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