I left my husband last year after 18 years but I'm still heartbroken

(12 Posts)
Letsbuyjunk Tue 11-Feb-14 22:15:25

I don't really need any advice I don't suppose I'd just like to talk to someone who understands. I left my husband for a catalogue of reasons and I know I did the right thing. I'm still gutted that it didn't work. I am bitter that I don't have the life I always wanted. My husband has changed a lot but I feel it's too little too late, and the fact that he has now changed has angered me because it shows he could have done so earlier and then our marriage wouldn't have fallen apart. Does anyone else feel this way?

threeleftfeet Wed 12-Feb-14 10:25:37

When I split from my partner of 10 years, I knew it was the right thing to do, the relationship was beyond repair. But it was still incredibly tough, it hurt enormously. I had always assumed our future would be together and that we would sort out the issues we had. It took a lot of readjusting to get used to, and I remember the feeling at first that I would never meet anyone else (I didn't particularly want to either), it just seemed an impossibility.

That was over a decade ago. Now, I can't imagine being in that relationship. My DP now is wonderful, my life is so different to how it was back then. I'm happier, so much happier. I feel like I'm me again!

I think you are grieving for the relationship you felt it should have been, and that's OK IMO. It will take time to get over, that's natural.

How long has it been since you split?

Letsbuyjunk Wed 12-Feb-14 21:53:34

I have been separated for almost a year. My youngest was only 6 months old at the time. Although we are now quite friendly the last year has been absolute hell.

I'm fine on a day to day basis but quite often I see and hear families talking about going on holidays and walks in the park etc and just doing things as a team. I feel so incredibly bitter that I won't ever have that and neither will my children. I don't feel like I want to be with anyone else and I would struggle to find the time apart from anything else, but the whole idea of step-families etc is such a daunting prospect.

I know I can cope perfectly well on my own because I've always done everything myself anyway, but it breaks my heart that I have to. I never wanted anything from my husband other than to share the good times and the bad as well. Someone to tag team with. Someone to cook the tea while I bath the kids. Someone to take one to football while I took another one to dance.

2 years ago I had a fabulous job, I just graduated uni, I had a beautiful semi detached house with a massive back garden, and although I knew my marriage was in trouble I still hoped it could be saved. I had my future pretty much worked out. Now I am on my own with 3 children, I'm renting a tiny terrace in a rough area with a grotty back yard, and I've been forced to quit my job and claim benefits for the first time ever in my life. I ashamed of what has become of my life and the uncertain future terrifies me.

threeleftfeet Thu 13-Feb-14 11:42:12

I know you don't feel like you want to be with anyone else, and I think you're very wise not to pin your future happiness to that, or to go looking for a new partner when you're still dealing with the fall out from the end of your marriage. I promise you, it's not set in stone that you will feel this way forever. I found the idea of another relationship unimaginable when I split from exP. But with time, you may well feel differently, and find someone else to share the good times with.

But, back to now. Let's look at practical stuff. Is there any way of making the future look less terrifying? It must be bloody tough on your own with three. I have two and I'm on my own with them lots of the time. However there may be different ways of making things work better for you. I find it helps me massively to have a plan, something I'm working towards. What's the thing you need to change most? (Maybe getting a part time job or moving?)

What was your job before and did you enjoy it? Do you think it will be possible to get back into it when your youngest is a bit older, or would you need another job? Are you at home now because of choice, or would you rather be working?

Please don't be ashamed, you have done nothing to be ashamed of! And there is no shame in needing to claim benefits, they are a safety net, you and your ex have paid in, now you and the DCs need them, that's what they're there for.

threeleftfeet Thu 13-Feb-14 11:45:01

BTW, I'm surprised you've not got more responses. I think that might be because you've posted in Divorce/Separation, which does make logical sense, but there aren't nearly as many people here as in the "Relationships" section - there are loads of helpful people over there. It might be an idea to ask for it to be moved over there. (To do that, hit "report" on one of your posts and ask for them to move it to relationships. No idea if they will, but can't hurt to ask!)

Montessorisam Sat 15-Feb-14 16:34:48

Letsbuyjunk I just wanted you to know that I am in an almost identical situation. I have 3 kids and am on my own. I struggle day to day - it is exhausting isn't it. I also was the one to say it is over - he had changed hugely and I couldn't live with his negativity and drinking anymore. I grieve the life that never was. You have a dream of how the future is going to work out don't you and it is upsetting, terrifying and bloody awful when you find yourself in such a shit situation through no fault of your own! Tho my ex says it is all my fault - one of the reasons why I couldn't handle being with him anymore. I too quit my job as I couldn't cope with that and the kids but now I have set up a house cleaning business and manage to work daily for just a few hours. That is not something I dreamt of when I was doing my degree but needs must and all that. Try to stay positive. Take each day as it comes. You have good days and bad days and it's awful trying to cope with everything and the kids emotional stuff too. You'll get there - as will I.

JALG Mon 17-Feb-14 08:04:42

I feel for you, leaving a long term relationship needs time to adjust. Its a grieving process.

After being married for 24 years my ex left me for a much younger women. I am nearly 2.5 years into this, but am about to go to court to resolve our financial dispute and still currently live in the same house, so have not had the chance to move on really. I know once I sell the family home and get my own little pad, I will feel happier. I still dream abut my ex, feel so angry and sad that he abandoned me. Feel angry that he now wants to play dad, when he was not interested back then. I am full of resentment, even after this amount of time. Its a grieving/mourning process, that could take a number of years to get through. BUT I can look back and see how far I have come. I was a qualified teacher and assessor. I now look after other peoples children, and clean their houses. Its hard when you think about what could have been, but not at all helpful. I am usually happy, both my children have more happy days than sad. MY DS is doing really well at school and her older sister has got a full time job and is now driving her own car. I have another partner, whom I enjoy being with and I have a good social life as and when I have the emotional energy to go out and have fun. It does get better, and rather than measure is by how far you have to go, look at the little steps you have made and be kind to yourself. You are strong and will survive (Gloria Gaynor i think}.

Letsbuyjunk Tue 18-Feb-14 08:43:26

Thank you everyone for your responses. It is comforting to know that there is a life beyond all this however long it may take. Obviously I'm gutted that some of you are going through is as well but it is good to talk to people who understand. I think I'm going nuts sometimes. I know I made the right decision. I don't want him back. But I do love him and he has changed in a lot of ways. I know what sort of things he is capable of though and I couldn't live my life under the threat of things going back to the way they where before, and I feel certain that would happen. He can't understand at all why I'm not prepare to give him another chance. He thinks we where equally at fault for the end of the marriage but I don't. I blame him entirely. I'm also bitter that he doesn't support his children financially and he is still in the family home.

MillyBlods Wed 26-Feb-14 11:23:38

Why did you divorce him OP? How has he changed?

Letsbuyjunk Wed 26-Feb-14 11:52:19

There are lots of reasons. He just lived a single life. Came and went as he pleased. Spent money we didn't have on gambling designer clothes and recreational drugs. He just acted like a teenage son not a husband or father. He did absolutely nothing.

MillyBlods Wed 26-Feb-14 14:09:19

O that's not good. Very hard for you that your still in love with him. Must be painful.

cakehappy Sun 09-Mar-14 21:27:23

Letsbuyjunk, try to get this over to relationships , loads of similar stories theresad

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