In a state, H lost temper with DC's , it's over

(25 Posts)
devonsmummy Sun 20-Oct-13 20:50:11

My marriage has basically been over for the last 2.5years but I stupidly stayed for the kids stability.
H was in a foul mood today, he'd promised yesterday to take kids to see something today then when they kept asking when they were going he snapped
'Its fucking pissing down you expect me to go out in they?'
I pointed out that he had promised (and made a big deal out of going too)
He stomped out with them - they were only gone 45mins.
I was cooking dinner when they came back & kids were playing with a ball indoors H told them to stop , they carried on bickering over who was having the ball.
I shouted through that dinner was ready , as H was getting kids to sit up ds didn't respond fast enough & dd started whining
He just flipped - he got right up to dd's face (4yrs) and yelled in her face 'I've had enough of this, no one in this fucking house listens to a word I say' I came in & got between them - H then shouted at Ds (6years) can't remember the words but he then grabbed Ds by his shoulders/ top of arms picked him up carried him over to the sofa & put him down.
Ds & Dd in tears - I shout don't you ever lay a infer on them again , how dare you so that.
H gets an inch from my nose & shouts 'yeah why you gonna so huh?'
I'm SO mad I slap him across the face & he grabs me around the back of the neck, then pushes me away.
I flipped at this point , shouting at him to leave us alone.
He sees windows are open so goes to close them in fear of neighbours hearing but I jump In front saying let them hear.
He then carries on 'you're no wife to me & you haven't been for the last 3 years'
I say we'll its truly the end now - you done this before & I swore I'd never let you do it again so that is it, over.
He tells me to go with kids as its his house (joint mortgage) & to not dare spend a penny of 'his money' (he works I'm a sahm)
Then he says ok I'll go
The kids are now sobbing with fright & dear of losing daddy
After an hour I manage to calm them enough to stop crying.
Ds has red marks on arms & body , Dd keeps saying why did daddy hurt my feelings?
Where do I go from here?
I'm unable to afford to keep house on as I'm a sahm
Have no family near by
Have no friends with space to put us up even temporarily
Sorry it's a mammoth post - needed to get it all out

devonsmummy Sun 20-Oct-13 20:52:46

Sorry for all typos

QOD Sun 20-Oct-13 20:53:05

Take photos of your son, give them a bath and warm milk, get them to bed, lock the doors and take a minute to calm down.
Can someone come over? Take them to school tomorrow? You need to make sure you have a bit of cash to hand incase he freezes the bank account,

You did good

coffeewineandchocolate Sun 20-Oct-13 20:53:52

You need to call the police and get it on record as an incident. It will be really important in future regarding contact. Allegations in retrospect aren't as strong. Is there anyone you can call to support you?

Greendove Sun 20-Oct-13 20:57:24

Sounds awful, and your H sounds awful too.
You can get help but don't worry about that tonight. Do not move out. Get legal advice. it is your house as much as his.
You will get good advice here.

morethanpotatoprints Sun 20-Oct-13 21:00:27

Well done OP, please lock all doors, chain/double lock doors etc.
No doubt he will try to come back. Do you have online banking, a joint account and a personal current account.
If so get some transferred now, in case he is on his way to a cash point. Secure some finances asap.
Do you have somebody to take the dc to school tomorrow?

devonsmummy Sun 20-Oct-13 21:03:57

H is still here. He said he'd look for a flat (how long will that take!)
I'm in bed with the kids now - they're sleeping
H is in other room.
There's no one I can call - the one person I could is away
I managed to get pics of ds straight after it happened but I was so shaky they didn't come out too clear - but you can tell by his sobbing face he was hurt.
H came downstairs just as I calmed kids down & he was in tears , he said I'm so sorry I just lost my temper.
I said something like - I could see that & you've well and truly done it this time, you can't take that back with a sorry , that will be with the kids for life.

devonsmummy Sun 20-Oct-13 21:06:49

I've hidden my purse & car keys - he's in room with all paperwork
I do have an emergency fund not enough to pay the mortgage & bills for a month but enough to feed us for a few weeks

devonsmummy Sun 20-Oct-13 21:08:29

I've put the kids mattresses on the floor so they're against the bedroom door - he's big so there's no way he'll squeeze in

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coffeenowplease Sun 20-Oct-13 21:13:01

Can you get legal advice ? Citizens advice ? Oh and its not his money. Its joint , you have been raising his children so that he could work.

devonsmummy Sun 20-Oct-13 21:15:38

Ds has had a problem with a boy at school hitting him - so I used that as an example
just because he's your daddy & a grown up doesn't mean he can hurt you

devonsmummy Sun 20-Oct-13 21:19:21

I can hear him snoring - nice to know he's so troubled by his actions

devonsmummy Sun 20-Oct-13 21:37:04

There's a women's advice centre nearby - I may try there once dc's are at school.
Hoping they'll see me without an appointment

Handywoman Sun 20-Oct-13 21:41:47

OMG devons how awful. You've done brilliantly. Get to CAB Tomorrow. I repeat: you did wonderfully.

moldingsunbeams Sun 20-Oct-13 22:02:38

Take photos of any marks.
Tell your dc that what Daddy did is wrong.
Report the incident so that it is on record.

Sometimes people snap but that sounds particularly bad.

It was a similar incident which made my mind to leave exh.

devonsmummy Mon 21-Oct-13 13:56:48

Do I need to report to police?
I'm waiting to hear from women's advice centre if they can see me tomorrow - could I report it to them?
I've only got an hour before I pick up dc's & I've not managed to find anything out yet.
Spoken to my mum (lives abroad) & my brother (2hour drive away) & have emotionally drained myself through crying - my brother has said I'm welcome to turn up at his whatever time of day or night if need be - do that's a relief to know.
There's a big family drama going on elsewhere so my head is feeling unable to cope & think rationally what I need to do
H rang earlier to check dc's ok and said he'd have a chat with ds later
Then he said it'll never happen again
I reminded him he'd said that about 4years ago
Then said 'I didn't mean to go it it was an accident'
I said no , an accident is when you trip & hurt someone - that was NOT an accident
I'm expecting him to come home & try to carry on as usual.

coffeewineandchocolate Mon 21-Oct-13 19:15:21

I think you should report to police to ensure there is a record and ALS to send a clear message to your dh ( and in late life your dc) that this behaviour is not acceptable. Your primary role is to protect your children- when your dh displayed the behaviour he did, he forfeited any loyalty and support you provide as a wife imo. I'm glad you have family support and have an appt lined up with women's aid. How are the children today?

Urv Mon 21-Oct-13 20:32:21

I'm so sorry this happenned OP. how long have you been married? Did you work prior to becoming a sahm?

Misfitless Fri 25-Oct-13 00:23:11

Have you spoken to the school OP? I think they need to know so that they can support your children xx

ChippingInNeedsANYFUCKER Fri 25-Oct-13 00:47:16

Poor kids - totally unforgiveable behaviour from him.

How are you holding up? sad

Have you managed to get him to leave?

anyclamfucker Fri 25-Oct-13 01:04:55

Just for the record, it's not "his" house and it's not "his" money. You being a SAHM enables him to go out to work, because you are taking care of his children.
If/when he leaves, you will be entitled to financial support that may well allow you to stay in the home. But you must get advice on all that.

Good luck.

FreeAtLastAtLongLast Fri 25-Oct-13 01:06:56

Are you ok OP?

prissyenglisharriviste Fri 25-Oct-13 01:19:51

Okay, so he shouted and swore, picked Ds up, carried him, and put him down. You escalated the situation by slapping him, and he retaliated by grabbing you. So the children got to watch their parents fighting - this is what will last, as well as daddy shouting. You will need to explain to the children that your actions were also unacceptable, that you lost your temper, and that you are sorry.

It's absolutely fine that you have decided to leave, it doesn't sound like much of a relationship, but in all honesty, please don't blame everything on him.

Just separate and have done with it. Kids bickering and dads yelling is reasonably common, not particularly long lasting in the minds of youth.

You've decided he isn't worth the bother, so time to sort everything out amicably - it sounds as though you are very bad for each other, and his inability to tolerate little kids, and both of your inability to work it out calmly means that you will be better off apart. Hopefully this means they won't get to see mummy and daddy fighting, and daddy on his own will realise that when he has the kids it is his responsibility to parent, including sorting out petty bickering, and you can both get on with parenting separately.

IHaveA Fri 25-Oct-13 01:35:13

prissyenglisharriviste Has posted what I was thinking but was a bit nervous to post blush

I was thinking that if the OP reported to the police then the OP would have to admit to striking her DH and I presume it would go on record.

I wonder if the advice on this thread would have been different if the OP was a man.

An amicable (as possible) split may be the best way forward for all concerned. If possible, it may be useful for the OP and her DH to have counselling to help with managing this situation.

I hope you and the kids are ok OP.

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