Aghhhh help I don't know what to do?

(2 Posts)
merlinarthur Sun 06-Oct-13 07:53:33

So I'm in a mess a really mess and I just don't know what to do....??

Help...

A year ago I left my husband.. We'd spent the previous 6 months arguing and things weren't pleasant. I felt so lonely but perhaps in hindsight I made myself distance myself...

So here's the thing we'd work long hours away from each other and perhaps see each other for an hour or two each day. I had been shown some attention by two different men.. The first I'd done project work with... Nothing ever happened but I got a thrill out of getting his emails... We were flirty and had lots in common... Then he went to Afghanistan and contact stopped in the mean time a much younger work colleague out of the blue started messaging me... We built up a friendship which became flirty again... Nothing ever happened... Just flirty messages... But again I craved the messages we would leave work and spend hours on the phone...

Both I suppose in hindsight were giving me attention that I hadn't had in a long time... It made me feel good about myself that I was desired...

I suppose me and my husband had had a difficult few years lots of family deaths...me breaking bones regularly... Then we'd tried for a baby whilst things were still good... That just didn't happen... He decided it was because he had a low sex drive and needed to loose weight and joined the gym... But after a few months... Weight loss... And almost an obsession... He became arrogant... He was rude to me... Calling me names... I just felt so low... And he didn't boost my confidence anymore but these other people did... He once told me I looked like Vanessa from Gavin and Stacy... That has stuck to me... As my weight had crept up and I was mortified...

He started doing faddy no carb diets and was so grumpy and mean... Nothing was his fault... He had an accident... It wasn't his fault... I became so mad with him... And decided after a variety of arguments including one where he wanted to see my phone... And obviously at the time the work colleague had been messaging me so I didn't think it was wise to show him...

Anyway I decided to move out... He knew where I was going and even helped me move in... I moved about an hour away... We said we'd still see each other on weekends but that turned into a disaster... We'd end up arguing... We tried counselling but I think in hindsight my head was so cross with him and I also suspect by this point my attentions were else where...

I did form a friendship when I moved with this work colleague and for a while it worked but then it became a bizarre friendship... We always argued... He'd do silly things that upset me and he's done this continuously for months now... I think it's fair to say that it is nipped in the bud... Worse thing is I think I actually feel for this chap... But as much as I do love him and care for him... I just know it would never work...

Anyway back to the husband... I suppose whilst I've lived here I've had other distractions... But he's had many opportunities to attempt to support or rekindle but just hasn't... That made me mad for a long time too...

I suppose as times gone on... My anger with him has faded... And I have seen him occasionally but he does seemed to have built a new life up... Without me which I suppose is understandable...

We met for the first time in ages yesterday and I thought things had gone quiet well we'd spoken about what we were up to and then when he got home he sent me a message..I'm home. It was lovely to see you and pleased that things are starting to look a bit more positive at work - new friends and opportunities etc smile I'm not sure where things stand with us anymore, but it feels like I'm rapidly becoming more of the past than the future. I know that you don't want to hurt my feelings and I don't want to make things any harder for you either which is why I didn't say anything earlier. I guess I just wanted one last day smile

For the first time in a year I now don't know what I want... Do I totally want a divorce... Now it's come to the crunch... It upset me and the thought of this has never upset me before...

I've always been quite adamant that that's what I wanted... But last night I genuinely didn't know...

A number of things jump out at me- do you have anger issues, you mention arguing and hating with more than one person.

Don't have a relationship with a work colleague, it's usually messy. And give yourself time to get over one relationship before starting another.

What are your options? Do you want to keep trying with your husband? Or a complete break?

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