Divorce petition - Unreasonable behaviour or adultery?

[angel1976]

'D'H moved out in April after dropping bombshell in Feb that he is no longer in love with me (Read: He has developed a 'connection' with someone at work, nothing happened but surprise, surprise, he is currently dating her). Have two DSs (5 and 3) and I am the primary caregiver. Things are amicable in the sense that I am going to do my best for the children by not turning this whole sorry state of affairs into one crazy blame-fest. I have taken legal advice and I know where I stand, so does he. We want to do the best for our children, only asset is the house which we are coming to an agreement on as to what to do with it.

HOWEVER he wants a clean break so he can shag his new flame without a guilty conscience and keeps pushing me about him filing for divorce on my unreasonable behaviour so he can pay all the court costs. Over my dead body I say. I don't want that on my head as this is so not my fault. He says it's all legality and paperwork and he doesn't give a monkey's on paper whose fault it is. I bloody do as it's a ten-year marriage so there is no way I want it lodge anywhere it is MY fault the marriage has ended. I would prefer to do it through the two-year separation no fault clause.

However, since the emergence of the confirmation that he is now dating this person, I have an idea. Can I turn it round to him and say how about I file for divorce but on grounds of his adultery so that I don't have to pay the court costs (as I think the person at fault pays?). If he doesn't contest it, can we be given a divorce just like that and he pays all the cost? I am guessing we will have to name the person he has committed adultery with for it to go through? Do we need 'proof' if he doesn't contest it? I am guessing that when I present this option to him, he won't be liking how this will reflect on him now... Thanks!

[Collaborate]

You pay the costs initially, hope the court makes a costs order, then try and recover them from him.

If he says they haven't had sex them that's not adultery. Go on unreasonable behaviour instead.

[SanityClause]

If its just about costs, surely he would just pay them, either way, even if it wasn't his legal responsibility?

[toosoppyforwords]

If he admits to adultery you wouldn't need to name the third party involved i dont believe. If he doesn;t admit it that will make it really hard to divorce on those grounds as he could contest it.
It makes no difference from a settlement perspective either.
Go on unreasonable behaviour - you citing his.

[angel1976]

Thanks for all your contributions. It annoys me that he wants to file based on MY unreasonable behaviour when he is the one who is 'cheating'. The problem with me filing is that obviously, I will have to pay the court costs and then 'claim' it from him, and I hate asking for money in the best of situations, so not something I want to do if I can help it. The only way I can see me doing it then me is filing based on HIS unreasonable behaviour and just swallowing the costs of it all. Not my idea of fun and a really bitter pill to swallow. Why can't he just bloody wait like a normal person?

[nickymanchester]

It annoys me that he wants to file based on MY unreasonable behaviour when he is the one who is 'cheating'

I don't really understand - in this case it's up to him to pay for it? If he just went ahead and did this anyway, I would suggest that there is very little that you could do to oppose it in any effective manner.

It seems that he is trying to discuss this with you rather than just going ahead and doing it anyway, which he certainly could do if he wanted.

[angel1976]

Yes, he wants to file so he pays for the court costs but I don't want it to be on my unreasonable behaviour, when it's not. I think if he went ahead and did it without my consent, he will be in a lot of trouble! I just can't understand why he does not wait two years to do a 'no fault'. But anyway, I'm passed caring at this stage. If he wants a quickie divorce, he can have it but I will be filing.

[Collaborate]

How about you agree in advance what he'll pay towards your main divorce costs? Then you can find a solicitor and see if they can do it for a fixed fee.

Court fees are £415 and my fixed fees range from £399 plus vat to £599 plus vat (MNHQ - not touting(!) - just given as an illustration!).

[angel1976]

Thanks Collaborate. My lawyer has said it will cost around £1500 in total for the divorce. Really, not money I want to throw after the errant bastard husband. I will have a look into fixed cost legal fees as well, thanks, had no idea they existed.

[RedHelenB]

I would play clever - if he wants a divorce more than you do it gives you an advantage. FWIW, something similar happened to me, him & OW desperate for the divorce, sent me a text with my unreasonable behaviours listed on it ( best laugh I had had in weeks!) & in the end I divorced him for adultery with OW named , so that I could be in control of the timetable.

[78bunion]

Do remember that the court costs are very small and legal fees you each pay your lawyers are often 20 or 40 times what those are so most people aren ot really bothered in the light of that as to who pays the court fees. Why not offer him that you will divorce him on grounds of his unreasonable behaviour and will do it immediately that he send you a cheque for the court fees.

[angel1976]

Thanks for your advice Red and 78. Yes, I am now tending towards me filing if he is so insistence... Probably on his unreasonable behaviour than adultery but I will see how I feel in a month's time after my holiday with the kids.

[angel1976]

insistent not insistence! :)

[Collaborate]

78bunion court fees these days are £415. That's more than one of the fixed fee packages I do divorces for.

[78bunion]

Solicitor's costs for a good few divorces I've known have been £20k - £200k. Obviously yes if your lawyers' fees are only going to be £415 including settling the finances then the court fees could be as much again and a big part of it but not for many divorces where the court fees are a tiny tiny % compared with tens of thousands to solicitors and barristers.

Anyway my suggestion is you file on his unreasonable behaviour having got him to agree to pay the court fees.

Nice people send the other party the draft divorce petition first to comment on by the way and that tends to help ensure an easy divorce.

[Noregrets78]

78bunion I presume the £20k-£200k is for high value peeps to sort finances etc as well? The actual divorce is not expensive - it's the sorting out of the money which can be if not careful.

My (fairly expensive) solicitor was about £1,500 fixed cost for the divorce - that included VAT, and court fees.

[Cabrinha]

I have petitioned with adultery, not named her (doubt he even knows any of the prostitutes real names) and he has not contested. I have ticked (and he has signed) to say that he will pay costs.
As it happens, we're using joint savings - but why don't you just tell him how much it costs, and tell him you have the money up front, or you don't file?

[trainwreck]

OK this sounds just like what lm going through right now,I'm not sure what to do,as he said its me for unreasonable behaviour,that l walked out,but l had too thanks to him,l couldn't be in the house while he still carry on txting women,sleeping with girls,then told me he wants kids knowing l can't have the,he did marry me knowing that,so I'm not sure what l should put down,his txting l have loads of prove,he saying he wants kids when l can't,he making me leave knowing l couldn't afford the mortgage,l could put her down,can't afford a solicitor,nor even pay rent,lmsleeping in a car have been for 6months,thinking he would change and go to relate,l ask him too and he wouldn't,l even went,does that help my case l don't know,any help would be really good,as thanks to him my head is all over the place,and he knows it,whole