WHY WOULD DIVORCED WOMEN KEEP SURNAME?

(161 Posts)
Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 10:02:48

I am really curious about this. I am married and have 2 children and I honestly think I would revert back to my maiden name if I was to divorce my partner.

When woman say they want to keep the same name as their children I honestly can't help thinking that really its just a way to stay connected to their ex. I mean come on its 2013 and lots of people have children out of wedlock, double barrel their surnames and all sorts. Why would you honestly hang onto a name of someone who clearly doesn't love you anymore? I would be looking to get back to my old name as a kick in the face for him!!

Thoughts?

MIL kept hers because then 'every time he has to write to me, he'll remember who he should be with.'

Which I suppose would be fine if FIL had cheated or something, but MIL was the one who refused treatment for her psychiatric issues and had emotional affairs. FIL was just the one who out his foot down and said 'enough.'

If I married (and then divorced) DP I'd keep his name because it's nicer than mine, which I'm really not keen on. It's hard to spell and very harsh, much rather DP's lovely soft Scottish one.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 14:41:04

Jimmy that's what I mean, your DC's have their dad's surname - why not yours? I'm not being accusing, just genuinely wondering, was there a discussion or any question about this, or was it just an automatic decision?

My DP's DCs were given his surname, presumably on the assumption that at some point he would marry their mum (they were engaged) and they would all have the same name. However, they didn't marry so now she has a different name to her DCs and if that were me, I would be a bit annoyed!

For me, knowing that I would go through the pregnancy, the breastfeeding & sleepless nights, be their main carer as toddlers, that I would be the one attending school meetings and the one filling in endless forms for tax credits etc with all their names on, the one applying for their passports and the one who basically does everything for them 90% of the time, I would want their name to reflect that.

Neither parent is 'better' or 'more deserving' than the other, but as the one who has literally done all the hard work, I would want their name to be mine and find it strange that other mums don't feel this way. Not judging, just saying.

PostBellumBugsy Wed 05-Jun-13 14:45:04

I use my "married" name (even though I'm divorced) for everything concerned with the children and I have my "married" name on my passport.

At work, I am known by my maiden name - but then I never changed that even for the 7 years I was married. All my bank accounts are in my maiden name & all bills, tax stuff etc is in my maiden name.

Works fine. smile

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 15:12:29

DoingItForMyself - whilst you was slaving away filling in those forms who was out earning the money?

"In any case, as other posters have pointed out, I don't have a name of my own to use. In the UK, you're either your father's possession or your husband's."

FFS that is not true! your name (regardless of its origin) is YOUR NAME
full bloody stop.

I'm married, kept my name, child has a different name to me.
she also has a different name to DH.

jellybeans Wed 05-Jun-13 15:45:31

I would keep it as would want to be same as my DC, including 2 who who stillborn, and all my academic certificates etc are in this name so would be alot of hassle to change. It's just a name really. Don't see the big deal.

jellybeans Wed 05-Jun-13 15:46:59

My DC had my maiden name until we married though and then we all changed to DHs. In a way I wish I had kept my maiden name on marriage but would have caused furore amongst DH family even though it isn't even his bio fathers name so really ours should be something else!

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 16:15:58

Noddy we both were. He was earning it as an employee, I was earning it by enabling him to work whenever, wherever, however he wanted/needed to without ever having to worry about childcare, housework, shopping, cooking, organising family activities etc.

When he was away from home for a month at a time he knew I was always here for the DCs. Oh and I was also running a business from home to help out financially, along with running a home single handedly for the best part of a year, but yes basically he has a 'proper' job so deserves to have his DC named after him hmm

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 16:22:01

Being a mother is no doubt a proper job but I always hear women like you complaining that they think they are the hard done by ones. I would take looking after and seeing my kids every day over an office job any day. Over the years some women convince themselves they did all the hard work and end up bitter and twisted.

SgtTJCalhoun Wed 05-Jun-13 16:40:31

I wish I hadn't contributed to this thread now because the OP is quite unpleasant and clearly has an agenda.

Cambam2010 Wed 05-Jun-13 16:41:45

On seperating from my husband I d-b'd my name as I wanted to be me again but also wanted to have the same name as my ds. Fortunately my ds has my maiden name as his middle name, so all that's really missing is a little -

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 16:47:19

I do not have an agenda at all thanks. All I am doing is pointing out a fair argument. As women we all need to take a rain check now and again. I think having kids is a blessing don't use it as a stick to beat your husbands with.

Anyway I am interested to hear the feedback people are giving regarding name changes...

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 05-Jun-13 16:47:21

I've often wondered this too. No way would I keep a man's Surname after divorce. It seems a destructive thing to do and suggests a hankering after a man they cannot have.

I changed my name once in my early thirties according to patriarchal custom, when I got married. But it became my adult name, and the name we gave to my 2 DCs, who I have a greater connection with than anyone else on this Earth.
Whatever happens between me and DH I think I'll be keeping my name as it is for the remainder of my days.
Plus once a woman's changed her name once she knows what a monumental PITA it is to do !
Odd as it might sound I don't especially associate the name with DH anymore, anymore than myself or the DCs.
Tis patriarchal though, obviously.
If I were to change it I've wondered about choosing the surname as far back as I can trace on the maternal line - And in any case am interested to find out more about my maternal lineage.

SgtTJCalhoun Wed 05-Jun-13 16:49:39

Well I found your post to doingit quite attacking and I despise the saying "bitter and twisted". Have you noticed that its mainly used to describe women?

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 16:53:08

Yes 'bitter and twisted' is an irritating saying BUT by talking about taking someone's house and money is also fairly irritating wouldn't you say? Anyway I apologise for any attacking it might have looked like I did.

SgtTJCalhoun Wed 05-Jun-13 16:54:23

Well I agree with doingit so make of that what you will.

PostBellumBugsy Wed 05-Jun-13 16:54:46

Does keeping your ex's name have to mean you are hankering after him? Could it not just be for convenience sake?

When you get divorced & you have DCs it is all fairly nightmarish, there is so much to worry about (like a roof over your head, custody, finances & so on & on & on) that the name seems relatively insignificant.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 16:58:01

I don't recall saying I was hard done by, just that I felt that my link to my children was a large part of my identity, hence feeling that given a choice, I would rather they had my name than that of the dad they have spent very little time with over the years. Anyway, I've said my piece and don't want this to become a SAHM bashing thread so will sod off now.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 17:01:02

And the part about the house has also been explained... It is no more 'his name' than it is 'his house' or 'his money'. They belong to the family. Wasn't very well put I admit, but I have already explained that it was meant in a sarcastic way. I do happen to live in the house he has helped to pay for, not because I am a grasping gold digger, but because I have the children the majority of the time and he does not.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Wed 05-Jun-13 17:01:06

I can totally appreciate all of that, Post. We are all different. I would not want to be reminded of my failed relationship each time I gave my name. It would annoy me, I think! I find it odd that Cheryl Cole still has her ex hubby's name. I think she has a tat on the back of her neck reading 'Mrs Cole' too.

DoingItForMyself Wed 05-Jun-13 17:01:08

And the part about the house has also been explained... It is no more 'his name' than it is 'his house' or 'his money'. They belong to the family. Wasn't very well put I admit, but I have already explained that it was meant in a sarcastic way. I do happen to live in the house he has helped to pay for, not because I am a grasping gold digger, but because I have the children the majority of the time and he does not.

Noddyandbigears Wed 05-Jun-13 17:03:45

The Cheryl cole thing is beyond weird! There really was no reason to keep that name he absolutely shamed her so publicly as well.

DoingItForMyself - completely understand where you are coming from now. Sorry to have got the wrong end of the stick.

Chubfuddler Wed 05-Jun-13 17:04:54

I qualified in my profession in my married name. I am known to colleagues, clients and peers in this name. And I really don't like my father so I don't want to revert to his surname.

I'm definitely not hankering over my STBXH, I left him, we are divorcing at my instigation.

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