Just told DH I want to separate.....feeling crap

[goodlifemummy]

Hi, I told my DH on Saturday that I wanted us to separate. I feel it's been a long time coming (years) and I have just fallen out of love with him. I was advised to suck it up and get on with it as most people feel like that, but I can't live the lie any more. I didn't help myself by doing a Bad Thing a couple of months ago which my DH found out about. I tried really hard after that, but still couldn't fall back in love with him. We have been married 10 years and have DTD's aged 8 and a DS who is 2 (a happy accident!)

He doesn't want to move out, which I understand, but I want to stay in the house with the kids. I work part time, but abroad for about 6-9 days a month. When I am away, obviously he becomes the primary carer. Am I being unreasonable to hope that he will still look after them while I am away? I try to work over weekends so his work is not disrupted, and put the little dude in nursery when I can so he only has to take a couple of hours off (his job is very flexible)

He has taken some stuff today and is not coming home tonight, but has made it clear that this is not him moving out. He is afraid that if he moves out he won't have any claim on the house - rubbish surely? I don't want to take anything unfairly, or diddle him out of anything that is rightly his. I also want him to be able to keep the fantastic relationship with his kids, he is a great dad.

I don't really know what I'm asking, just wanted to vent! And see if i am being unreasonable by wanting to stay in the house with the kids and for him to move out. The kids don't know yet. God knows what I'm going to tell them, they will be devastated

[Twitterqueen]

So sorry, not sure I can help much, but fwiw:

Don't move out. The children are the absolute priority here and minimum disruption to them is the #1 'must do'. If you work p/t then I assume you are the primary carer and they will need you more than ever.

DH will need reassurance that he will not lose contact or caring responsibilities - your reliance on him is probably a good thing right now.

Will you need to sell the house? Presumably the 2 of you will need separate accommodation so I would expect you will need to move. Additionally, if he has sole care for prolonged periods he will need the same standard of accommodation that you have. ie he shouldn't settle for a one-bed flat for example, and you have a 3-bed house. Can you both afford to aim for maybe a 2/3 bed house/apprt each? That way neither of you will feel hard-done by.

Him moving out will absolutely not affect his rights to the house at all.

Children are very, very resilient and inherently selfish. All mine wanted to know was "will I still have my ipod/PSP, can I still see my friends, will we still go on holiday etc".

And OP - don't try to compensate for being the one to initiate the break-up by giving up your rights to pension, house, etc etc. JUST DON'T DO IT - OK?!

I speak as one who knows...

[goodlifemummy]

Thankyou such for your reply - exactly what I was thinking.