Rules in your house versus Rules in ex's house - do I give up on persuading ex dh to be sensible

[rottenscoundrel]

ex h and me are separated. We both work FT - I brought the dcs up, bought their presents, sorted out the schools, bought their uniform, clothes, cooked for them, did the housework etc. so was generally in charge of discipline too.

ex dh treated the house like a hotel - have NO DOUBT he loved the kids but never pulled his weight

now he has his own place, he inflicts absolutely no discipline on the dcs and he has told me this. He said he wants to be this way so the dcs feel welcome at his house.

But this means, for example, that dd (about to be 13) is allowed to be excessively untidy and unhygienic. For example, when she has her period, quite often now she doesn't even bother to take the pads out of her pants when she throws them in the wash. She eats meals in her bed and spills loads of food. At dh's house, she gets away with all of this and he employs a cleaner (poor woman).

At my house, I don't have a cleaner, and I expect the dcs to clean up after themselves and I help a bit. But this morning we had a huge battle as I told her off for having a midnight snack in her bed (it was full of biscuit crumbs and half eaten pieces of fruit and food wrappers) and she burst into tears and said it was better at dh's house where she could do what she wanted.

I spoke to dh about 'rules' and of course, I could tell he was completely secretly delighted by this revelation that dd is behaving this eay grrr.

I am going to stick to my guns - but do I just give up on dh being sensible at any stage?

[rottenscoundrel]

bump

[Lonecatwithkitten]

Different age child DD is 9, but similar situation. With me consistent bedtime, consistent rules(rules full stop) and time set aside and support given for homework. At ExHs virtually feral as this is the way OW has brought up her DD. Though unfortunately my DD's lovely manners still prevail and OW's DD rules the roost.
DD often cries and says she feels she needs to be the adult. I've tried to talk to ExH, but no good. All I can think is that in time she will look back a realise who was doing the better job.

[rottenscoundrel]

Thanks lonecat. People tell me that is true (that they'll look back and see that) - doesn't make it any easier for us stuck in the middle of it does it