Dear Snooty,
Have you considered the fact that you are probably going to remain ground down as long as you share a house? You are 'waiting' to get stronger in 6 months. And you are 'waiting' to see if the marriage is going to last. He has not agreed to take your request for counselling seriously, he has questioned your parenting skills based on your wanting to break the relationship from a person who is clearly in no way commited to making it work. He sounds arrogant, his way or no way.
Things will not get better, trust me. He sounds emotionally abusive. You talk about walking on egg shells. I know that feeling well, did it for 17 years, now have tight hamstrings, not worth it. There will be a fallout, but only because you are 'breaking the family silence'. I realised I stayed for all the wrong reasons, until my 11 year old daughter asked me to leave! I was staying for her, for his ageing grandmother and for so many other reasons, financially, security. Now that I am on my own with my daughter I realise none of those reasons made sense. My grandmother-in-law was sad, but she has just as readily embraced the new wife. I was financially never secure with him, and I remain insecure, except I don't have him spending my hardearned money on other women (only found out after 2 years seperated) anymore. I have my own boat to paddle, but I am doing it on my own. It is exhausting and at times I feel like I won't make it over the next wave, but, when I come home, it is peaceful, I sleep deeply, I no longer wake up with my jaw clenched and my body rigid from the stress. It is hard raising my daughter by myself, but I no longer have him undermining each and every rule I try to lay down, I no longer have him trying to pit my daughter against me, making her feel bad about herself. I no longer have him trying to 'buy' her love with tons of sweets that make her feel worse about herself. My daugther and I have been on our own for just over 2 years and she has got a lot of respect for me, for leaving him, she saw him for what he is, and she is a good girl. she is a teenager, and I am petrified of the next few years, but I know no matter what happens, I will be able to handle it much better without him questioning my judgement, driving away my friends and family and basically making my life a very unpleasant place to be.
I know it is mainly my story, but the take home message is, it is your life, the only one you have, if you decide to stay, you have to accept that things will not get better. I didn't leave immediately, I did a degree, and got myself financially in a better place, but giving myself the permission to 'let go' was a huge step. The thing I think that is most important is to decide what you want in life, and then work out a way of getting it. Also, look up the term 'gaslighting' see if it rings true for you at all, it's what my ex did to me.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Jo