How do you deal w overwhelming anger towards OW??

[MimieD]

Any advice? Stbx left last April. OW was married too but apparently is now getting divorced although her husband is unaware of the adultery. For nearly a year she had a good friend covering for her whenever she met Stbx.
I know that at least I will never have to deal with the lying,cheating Stbx but I feel consumed by anger towards the OW. The idea that she will meet my DCs and even spent holidays with them leaves me heart-broken. I know the whole rationale 'as long as the kids are happy and like her' blah blah blah but that doesn't help me as this is the woman that had a large part in destroying my marriage and is the cause of my DD saying her life is not as good as it was and all she wants is for things to go back to normal.
It can just consume me and leave me a crying wreck, unable to concentrate at work or even enjoy time w DC. I can only hope my DC will grow up w my values and will never ever do this to another human being :(

[MimieD]

Copied post to relationship board, probably better place

[MOSagain]

I feel your pain. Whilst I am still (only just) with my DH I found out about his affair with OW last summer. It happened a few years ago but like you, I'm consumed with anger. I found out where she worked,, where she lived and wanted to go around and confront her. I sent several emails which I think scared the shit out of her. I read messages between her and DH in which she mocked me and joked about the fact that she shouldn't be having sex with my husband but she liked to live dangerously which made me see red.

I wrote a (very polite/formal) letter to her setting out that I knew where she lived (and worked as sent to her work email) and that I had found evidence of her adultery and that I was in the process of drafting a petition based upon that adultery and she would be named as the co-respondent and I'd be seeking and order for costs from her. I mentioned her husband and son's names and made it clear I knew where she lived and the papers would be served on her there.

I also commented that if she liked to live dangerously, she should be prepared to accept the consequences of sleeping with the husband of a divorce lawyer

Once I'd done that, I felt sooooooooooooooo much better. I also drove up to her house (2 hour trip) at 1am once and sat outside. Just knowing that I could have turned her life upside down (by telling her husband) made me feel better. I could have done all sorts of things but I sat there for 10 minutes and then drove home. I am a better person than she will ever be.

I just hope my email put the fear of christ in her and stops her sleeping with someone else's husband and boasting and joking about it.

My only regret is not issuing that petition. I had it all drafted, cheque written ready to issue then kids got CP and by the time I was able to go to court I'd run out of time (6 month rule about being aware of adultery) so am re-drafting to issue on behaviour.

[Yinlondon]

MOS Dear me I was never aware of your situation! But hey, also loud applaud for your cool and rational action in such situation! I feel so proud that we have fellow sisters like you!

Btw, how did you ever manage to find out OW's address etc? I guess my H is either having a long term affair or is gay, given the fact that we haven't had sex at all during our nearly 5 years marriage.. But I never know how to get evidence. His phone is clean and as working in IT, it's impossible to find anything on his computer.

[MOSagain]

YinLondon I am like a dog with a bone (and an ex police officer) I made it my job to find out where the old trollop lived It gave me a feeling of control that the pair of them had taken away.

I've not worked for a number of years now due to having given up my career to be a trailing spouse. However, that is all hopefully going to change soon as I've got an interview on Wednesday, first one in over 10 years!

I'm going to get ME back

[Mosman]

I went ballistic tbh, phoned her patents, told all her friends on facebook what she'd done and plastered her photo all over my facebook page knowing people she knew would see it.
Honestly don't feel any better for it though.
Direct your anger at the one who really let you down the exdh.

[Lonecatwithkitten]

She was a mother of a child in DD's class.
My response I remained dignified and did not engage. I kept it all together and turn up to school smart and organised. Enabling me to stand by and watch her and ExH spiral out of control.
By internalising my anger I am much, much stronger.
I have issued petition and have got myself good advice and power whilst they flounder around.
I also make sure I continue to be a consistent and fair parent as I know that as an adult DD will look back and know who was the better parent and actually currently she seems to prefer her time with me.

[ThunderInMyHeart]

Never been in this position, but I wanted to return the support I've had from MN recently (super hormonal right now!).

I found it interesting you wrote that the OW ruined your marrige. Nah, it takes two to tango. It's only half her fault. And what's her reward? He'll probably cheat on her too: the grass is always greener.

Let her have him! You're well shot, darling.

As for your children...the pain for them will cease. Once you're happy, they'll be happier. They'll know who and what she is and what she and your DH did too.

Get revenge in the most healthy way: living well.

MOS - Exactly! Prosper in your own life is the best remedy!

[RedHelenB]

Minnie - let it all out to those friends will listen & get on with your life. I found one good screaming match with my ex did me the power of good & after that I no longer felt like I wanted any contact or to know anything nore about them.