deciding to leave...and then doing it?

[JOAN01]

I have decided that I need to leave my OH...we have been together for about 12 yrs and have a 4yo DS...It's been something I've been thinking about seriously for 3 years now, though even before that things have been difficult. My husband will not even discuss separation, getting angry and aggressive if I raise anything ?uncomfortable?. He has over the yrs been quite controlling with moods and language...We went for couples counselling 3 yrs ago, which was good...but tellingly my counsellor called me the day after our last meeting to say she was worried about me. He has also had lengthy counselling on his own...but it has never got the crux of the issue (his low self esteem...anger/a need to control etc)...I have asked him to get specific anger management help, to consider depression, doctors, medication...you name it... but I really believe that he doesn?t think he has a problem...I really beleive he would never leave me & thinks that our relationship is 'normal'.

It's sooo difficult to take this step...he blames me of course, says things arn't that bad...Worst of all he has shoved me on about 3 or 4 occasions now...pushing me on to the sofa, or bed to shout at me...the other day he grabbed me by my arm and dragged me from the kitchen to the lounge...whilst carrying our son in his other arm. I have bruises on my arm where he held me and he tore my jumper. My son was very scared and upset...Bad shouting episodes occur maybe every month or two...and the time between can be calm, and wierdly Ok and amicable...The thing that has glued me to him has been that fact that we do at times really get on and when he's 'OK' he's good company. I have talked through everything with him but he refuses to discuss separation...he has threatened me and becomes irate if, when we are arguing I say I wnt him to leave. It is also telling that he ?forgets? important conversations...agreements that we have made...I now realise that again this is a means of emotional control.

I feel sick & guilty at the thought of my son being frightened and aware that it will cause him real damage if he continues to witnesses aggression between his parents. I am afraid of my husbands reaction & the ?irony? is that he has an ex-wife who he supported and was the model ?weekend dad? to their daughter who he now has a good relationship with... I see my only ?safe? option is to leave him while he's at work...though that feels so cowardly on my part. I cannot risk leaving, with my son, while he's at home.
How do you let the OH know that you have left...by letter...email...text??? All seems so crappy.

Anyway, putting my thoughts 'out there' is my fist step...

[lovelytoes]

Cannot believe i was in the same situation 2 years ago.even sounds like the same man!!! Lol my advice is GET OUT NOW!! while ur son is young enough.i left it too long really.good luck

[Xenia]

It was a difficult decision for me too. Once I had decided and had seen a solicitor I told him. I was very clear and then we sent him a draft divorce petition and it went on from there. He moved out once I'd paid him after the divorce when the property transfer etc was done.

[JOAN01]

Thanks Ladies. In need of some affirmation...I'm going throught the 'is it me, am I going mad' phase...I am worried (frightened) of telling him face to face... so thinking thru that at the moment. Hate the idea of just going without telling him, seems cowardly, but cant see any other way of doin it. I'm going to see a solicitor ASAP...I just feel sick & tired.

[judgepickles]

You must look after your DS and yourself. It sounds like you've struggled and been made unhappy for a long time and have tried really hard. Please take comfort from the fact that you've done so, you've no need to feel guilty or uncertain. Think about having a better, happier life. If your partner is a model dad at a distance, your DS will benefit from that too now, enormously, rather than seeing you being berated and hurt. You aren't responsible for your partners actions, only your own. And you have a right to be respected, well-treated, and to feel secure. Wishing you all the luck in the world in making this step. Be proud of yourself.

[Djangounhinged]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, well done for posting and getting your thoughts down, it's where most of us have started, I think!

You've already got some great responses here, but if you need any more encouragement that you're doing the right thing by leaving, it might be worth reposting on the Relationships forum. It's a busy, busy forum and there are loads of people who have sadly been in similar situations to you, and they will have plenty of wisdom for you.

Good luck with your decision - knowing you need to make a decision is half the battle x

[MOSagain]

I read your OP and my first thought was that MY husband was a bigamist, the 'forgetting' conversations is identical to the shit I put up with.

Get out, get out, or at take control. Take the control away from him, make your decision, what is best for you and your DS and stick to it. Don't be bullied. You've already had some good advice.