difficult ex, acess and legals, please help

[pesta]

My exdp is being a total twunt at the moment and verging on emotionally abusive. Tonight I was called a 'fucking bitch' in front of ds who is 2 because I said I won't discuss access or be shouted at infront of children. Other ds is 19 weeks old. It's a mess and had hoped we could be friendly and work it all out. I have booked appointment with solicitor but in the meantime am I being unreasonable in offering 4 days full access and all meals at home (where we lived together but now he is in rough b&b) . He says he wants more. He is currently bailed waiting crown court for employee fraud and possibly facing prison. I do not shout or say anything derogatory to him or about him. I know he is under an enormous amount of stress pending court. I wanted it to be friendly. I am so frightened as to how his attitude, in so many ways will affect our children. I didn't want to go to court but I understand if I don't sort it out amicably, I could lose the possibility of legal aid to get custody as it stops in,April. I don't think exdp will be reasonable as already doesn't understand how much access he has (when he chooses to then up) and does absolutely nothing to help in house or child related apart from playing with the ds's. I should add, he is only just clean from being a drug, gambling and drink addict. He is v depressed and quite mentally ill after all the abuse he has shown body. I have until this week been the driving force behind helping him with mitigation for his crime, seeking and receiving counselling and other help. I realise I was co dependant and now must look after myself and children. I don't want him in the house, he is so angry and unreasoning but I don't think he is well enough to take the children out on his own for more than a couple of hours. So questions - is exdp doing well with access or am I going to be surprised at mediation and how do I sort this out without having to v fast go to court to ensure that children stay with me as primary residence and carer ? I don't want to do it fast as he has to deal with his own court hearings in march but I won't have the finances to get legal help once they stop legal aid so it looks like this is my only option. I know after reading this back , I sound v confused . I just want to be armed with some advice and support as solicitor meeting isn't for a fortnight .

[samandkat]

If your uncomfortable with him been in the house you could try contact else where or maybe reduce the time hes with you and the children as for legal reasoning you may have to wait untill you see your solicitor to help you you could wright down what you want from your solicitor and from mediation and what your concerns are hope this help you amd i wish you luck and all the best xx

[pesta]

Thank-you samandkat. It's only when I wrote this out quickly I realised what a mess it all is in rl and in my head. I will get it all down on paper and do some research. Thank you for your su
pport.

[samandkat]

Your welcome love xx

[sparklesunshine]

I wanted to add that you can't make someone be reasonable if they're not. The examples given (swearing at you in front of kids, addictions, potential criminal involvement) suggest he's not going to play nicely. I'd warn you as well that the courts will try to find some sort of compromise between your two positions, so be sure to be clear what you actually think is best.

If you didn't have to think about his needs and wants, what do you think would be the best situation for the kids? They should be the focus in all of this. Is it possible to be very focused and steady on what's best for them, communicating politely but not going to the ends of the earth to get him on board.

Just a thought.