H trying to intimidate me into staying married by taking my child

[ruthie2468]

Hi, I really hope you can help me as I am feeling very panicky and scared.

I have a 10 month old baby with my H. He became very emotionally abusive while I was pregnant and since the baby has been born. He has said and done things which I can't forgive. He keeps saying he will change but he never does (he has booked a counselling session but I am not holding out much hope that it will completely change his horrible personality).

I want to divorce him but he is threatening to get 'his lawyers' to fight for custody of our baby. He is claiming me and my family are all mentally ill (?! No evidence of this other than they don't like him!) and says if I divorce him he will do everything he can to take my baby.

What are the chances of him managing this, or of him getting 50/50 custody? I am on maternity leave, so am the primary carer. He sees the baby for about 30 mins before bed during the week. He claims he will get a nanny, but would a court take a baby from its mother to give to a nanny?

He also says he will keep 'his' house (he has paid the mortgage as I have been on maternity leave). I'm not too bothered about the money aspect but I adore my child and I can't bear to lose her for half a week. He has two other children who he sees once a fortnight so I think he is just trying to punish and scare me, but he is cruel and ruthless and would probably do it just to hurt me.

I am really worried about this and would really really appreciate any advice.

[ScalesAndMirrorsLie]

Get some legal advice, maybe from citizens advice first.

But he's just trying to intimidate you by the sounds of it.

A court wouldn't take a baby from its mother unless it was in danger. More so if dad is working full time I think.

Good luck and I hope u get lots of rl support

[ruthie2468]

Thank you both. I don't think he is interested in what is in our baby's best interests. He told me last night that she doesn't need to be breastfed any more so he will have the baby overnight! Can he do that?!

I want it to be an amicable split but it seems that is not going to happen.

At what age would he get 50/50 custody?

I have lots of rl support and they all think he is a nasty, emotionally abusive idiot, but then he denies everything, denies any of these things ever happened (?!) and tries to turn it all back on me, so it messes with my head.

[ScalesAndMirrorsLie]

I think you should ask this to be moved to Relationships. The regulars on there have some brilliant practical advice

[ruthie2468]

I did have it in Relationships but my H looks on that page for evidence that everyone on MN is insane and they are responsible for my wanting to divorce, so I had to remove it as I realised he would identify me and the situation would become much worse.

I am now being accused of infidelity!

[deleted203]

He wouldn't get custody. And he wouldn't get 50/50 at any age unless it was deemed to be in the best interests of the child - which it wouldn't ever be if its parents split when it was 10 months. In this case, it would only happen if child WANTED to go to father's 50% of the time and was old enough to choose (eg teens). He's an arse. I would calmly tell him that he is welcome to tell his lawyers to 'go for' anything he likes but it won't happen.

[ruthie2468]

Thank you for your advice. I also spoke to my brother who is a doctor and he said people can't just make up mental health allegations without any evidence whatsoever... courts have seen all of this so many times before so won't suddenly throw me into an asylum and take away my child. It makes sense logically but it is so scary when someone threatens to try to remove the thing that is most precious to you!

[LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake]

He can't threaten you if you don't listen - change your number, delete emails, communicate only through solicitors.

He can't do anything to you - find every way you can to ignore him. You need an invisible wall round you

[Snazzynewyear]

What an unpleasant bully he is. He is making up stuff that has no chance of happening to scare you. Don't let it. Think of yourself as tiger mama and plan a life for yourself and your daughter without him. Take control. Go and see a lawyer (lots offer free 30 minute initial consultations) who can advise you on how to do this.

[Piemother]

Ruthie he sounds delightful! My ex stalks me on mn - welcome to the club!
If you are in the uk then no he cannot get custody at all. He could apply for a residence order but he wouldn't get it. As for alleging your family have mental health issues - cafcass would ignore this unless there was concrete proof.
He sounds insecure and scared so you don't need to be. Good luck

[OverlyYappyAlways]

He cannot make mental health allegations up. Even if he did do not worry I suffer from terrible anxiety so am classed as having 'mental health problems' my X used this against me for years, I was terrified, I spoke to a GP about it and he told me if ever my health was looked into it would be made very clear that all I do if for my DC.

Can you get one free hours advice with a Solicitor? He is totally intimidating you and bloody spying on you on here?? Believe it or not there are at least 5 men spying on their ex's on here.

Don;t let him grind you down.

[OverlyYappyAlways]

Oh see another stalker... 6 of the bastards!

[OverlyYappyAlways]

Write down anything else he says like this and keep a notebook of his abuse, well hidden obviously.

[ThereGoesTheYear]

He's talking nonsense. Go to CAB, see a lawyer. Only communicate with him in writing eg by email. I know it's hard but the first step is realising he's not that powerful.

[LemonBreeland]

You've had some good advice here, but I'll just add that courts would take a very dim view of him trying to get full custody. That would not help him to even get 50/50.

[Jux]

Please see a solicitor, family law, and get some advice.
Also, phone Women's Aid, as they have heard everything that a nasty controlling FW can think of, and they will tell you unequivocally that he's full of BS. They can probably give you a recommendation of a good solicitor, too.

It is bullshit, btw. He doesn't actually want to be bothered looking after a baby. He's saying it because it scares and upsets you. No other reason.

The best way to stop him controlling you, or trying to control you, is to take control yourself. You do that by seeing a solicitor and phoning WA, and taking any other steps they advise.

[Piemother]

Also re the mental health stuff unless he had made serious reports of his concerns to HV/ss etc he would look like a right tit. Which he is of course.

Maybe we should have a stalker thread where we can bear bait them

[OverlyYappyAlways]

Sorry slightly of topic, I knew mine was stalking me, so filled his head with nonsense via here by accident, poor bastard thought I was insane, I was trying to hide myself to turned my DS's into DDs and there were 3 instead of 2 and my ex was watching it all and thought I was losing the plot, he had no idea I was onto him of course but I had no idea hey was logging my every name change with a computer programme.

Yeah we should have stalkers thread.

Truthful questions and truthful answers from Stalkers and their ex's

[Piemother]

Still off topic but however....I'm just irritated ex hacked my safe space to rant after alleging mn is full of man hating marriage wreckers etc yet he's on here busily giving others 'advice' and telling whopping lies about rl stuff. Oh and claiming his counsellor told him to stalk me on mn. Now and then my mates and me search him and have a good laugh mind.