At my wits end with nonsense marriage!

[Striving]

Hello all, I'm so, so desperate for some advice, please...

After 5 years of an extremely bad marriage, I have decided to definitely go ahead with a divorce. We have 3 children, aged 4, 3 and 11 months.

Several times during this marriage myself and my DCs have been made to leave "home" as I haven't paid for it. This has happened countless times in the last 5 years, living apart for sometimes a week, sometimes several months. The lack of stability, a normal home, a routine has been damaging to our DCs.

Each time we are made to leave, he makes no effort towards contacting or seeing our DCs. But then suddenly he remembers his kids and decides to become fatherly. On this occasion it's been 4 weeks since they last saw him. He now wants to collect them on Saturday for the day. Should I tell him to go court as this has happened far too many times and it causes our children a lot of confusion. My 4 year old cant stand him and my 3 year old has developed anxiety according to my GP. I just want to protect them.

[Collaborate]

There are clearly serious concerns - legal and medical. I think it's right not to jump straight in to it without serious thought, but also I presume you're not saying he can never see them again so you have to try and find a way around this.

I suggest you take legal advice. Look for a solicitor on the resolution.org.uk website. Also consider some family therapy and/or counselling for the kids. You need to have a clearer understanding of what they need.

Good luck.

[Striving]

Collaborate, thank you for your reply and for the website details. I am thinking of taking my eldest for play therapy to try understand her better. She has suffered the worst with all the nonsense.

Honestly if I could get sole custody I would fight for it all the way, but it would be extremely difficult. My reason for this is his Jekyll/Hyde type personality. Also when agreements relating to the kids have been made in the past he never bothers to stick to them, never turning up to collect them even though they'd be ready and waiting. I'm so angry as I'm not trying to get one up on him, I've always encouraged him maintaining contact with the kids no matter what the situation is between us. But he is very cunning, and will use the situation to cause difficulties for me. Argh!!

[onetiredmummy]

You need to get a legal agreement in place for access (& child maintenance). I think you can do this with the CSA or with your divorce solicitor & this should make things easier if at some point you decide its best for the children if they cease contact with him.

In the meantime does he know where you live? Can you just not contact him or would he turn up on your doorstep?

I know your frustration, I've had the ex H ring up on the morning he was supposed to be picking them up & give some excuse or other why he's not coming. It shatters the kids & is so unfair.

Why can't you go for sole custody? Sounds like emotional abuse on his part towards the kids, especially if you had to leave your home :)