Family wanting to see Grandson/nephew

[NoSoggyBottoms]

Hiya, thought I'd post here, seemed the most relevant.

My sister has 2 children. She separated from her partner some years ago now. The children live with their father most of the time, but my sister only has a relationship with one of her children.

We, as other family members (grandparents and aunt, that's me) hardly ever get to see her eldest. He's 13 now (younger is 11).

We can't see him as my sister doesn't spend time with him and she goes mad at the thought of us seeing him.

When her and her partner split, her partner told my mum that she could go over at any time to visit both children. She hasn't been over as my sister gets cross saying that she doesn't get an invite.

But if the father and the child are willing to see us, would it be right to arrange a visit? With or without the "blessing" of my sister?

Please understand, I can't imagine how painful it must be for my sister not having a relationship with one of her children. I do feel very sorry for her, but I don't want him to miss out on him having a relationship with the rest of us...if its something that he is happy with. I also don't want us to miss out on a relationship. Although he's not our son, he is our grandchild/nephew...he's family.

I thought I'd come here to see what your reaction/response is to this, as I know what a sensitive subject this can be.

Thanks

[olgaga]

The only way around it is to speak to both parents. Why doesn't your sister see him? Doesn't he want to see her? Why is that? At 13, he can make his own choices about who he sees, especially if his dad supports that - but obviously it's difficult if his dad doesn't (whatever he might say to you or your mum).

I'm not sure from your post why it is that you and your mum don't feel you can see him if he would be amenable. Are you saying you would no longer be able to see your sister? If so, that's something for you adults to sort out between you first.

I'd leave it, to be honest. I can't see he'll be suffering from not seeing you, and what child of 13 would want ructions between distant family members on their behalf? Especially if they're not fussed either way.

And it doesn't exactly sound like he is.

[NoSoggyBottoms]

Thanks for your reply.

To be honest, I don't know why she doesn't see him. She walked on her kids and DP a few years ago....she''s never been close to her first born and let his paternal grandmother raise him. She said that she had no choice...she has PR, always has, grandmother hasn't.

He doesn't want to see her, as far as I understand it. Its sad to say that I can understand why (from his point of view, mum walked out on them, he was raised by dad/grandmother, my sister also got rid of his bedroom in her new house, but left the one for her younger child).

If we went to see him, i don't know what would happen with my sister....but as you rightly say, that's an issue between adults. We'd have to sort that.

I've recently been able to contact nephew through FB, which is nice. Obviously, the question is if he wants to see us. If he doesn't, then that's fine, his choice. And if his dad doesn't, that's fine, that's his choice too.

I just want to be able to see my nephew once in a while (I live a long way away from them) and I know that my mum would love to see him (she lives much closer to him).

I don't want him to think that his mums side of the family doesn't want to see him. I want him to know that the door is always open.

But if I say that (regardless of what he may say in return), would that be right if it was against my sisters wishes?

Do you know what I mean?

[Collaborate]

I think it would be mean of you not to see him just on the day so of your sister. She's supposed to be the grown up.

[olgaga]

Your sister sounds rather volatile! If you don't feel she can be persuaded that contact between the two of you and her older son is worthwhile, would she threaten to cut contact with you and your mum?

If so that's something you both need to consider, but if you are able to see both boys anyway through her exP, the only thing that would possibly stop me is whether she now has other children you might then be unable to see.

[STIDW]

Extended family are important to children, particularly if the have no contact with one of their natural parents on that side of the family. Children who are insecure about their heritage and identity tend to have low self esteem leading to emotional problems later in adulthood. Who knows, the son might even eventually change his mind about seeing his Mum if her family re-establishes contact.

[MatureUniStudent]

Definately see him. He deserves to know you are interested in him, but he may be angry too as he hasn't seen you. Expect to have to apologise for not seeing him but that you do now want to move forward and see him. (similar here in ExP grandparents, after four years, now want to see my children. They said that whilst they didn't want to see the GP as they feel v abandoned by them, they will this once - to give them a chance to apologise and then to see if there is a future in having contact with GP's) Good luck!

[NoSoggyBottoms]

Thanks everyone

I have my nephew on my FB and we've chatted through that a little, so I think he's ok. I'm fully prepared for him to be angry, not wanting to meet, etc. And to be honest, I don't blame him. But I want him to know that even though he doesn't have a good relationship with his mother, it doesn't mean that we're all like that and he can have a good relationship with the rest of us.

Of course this is all dependent on him and his Dad. I live a long way from where they live and I'm very rarely down there to visit (my Mum and Sister live in the same general area). So it wouldn't be like I'm seeing him regularly, just now and then, like I do with the rest of my family. But the rest of the time we can have contact via FB and email.

However, if he or Dad are not wanting to meet up, so be it. I won't force it, just make sure he knows the door is always open.

As for my sister, she will have to understand that she can't stop contact between other family members and her children, as his Dad also has a say, as does my nephew (unless there is a serious issue why there can be no contact). This issue is between me and her, not my nephew.

I know that she will be hurt that I won't be respecting her wishes. But it's not ultimately about her. She will also tell me (I assume) that she doesn't get to see him. This again won't strictly be true...the truth is she can't see him in the way she wants, i.e. for him to stay over. She can still spend time with him elsewhere, or with others, but she chooses not too.

I also know that its hard for a parent to accept that your child doesn't want to spend time with you...my DP went through a similar thing.

I agree with what you've all said, but to address olgaga - yes she may stop contact with me but she hasn't got any other children with any other partners, so she couldn't stop contact with both nephews.

Thanks again

[olgaga]

Good to hear - and you may be able to build a bridge between them. It sounds a very sad situation for him. Well done.

[NoSoggyBottoms]

Maybe, I'd like to be able to build a bridge, but it just seems like Sis has given up. So very sad ....same happened with my DSS biological mother, and I can see how its effected him.