considering divorce - some chat?

[KettleCHips]

Hiya - thank you for looking at this thread. Just need a little breathing space and mulling over time, and would appreciate a lot, some feedback. We got married nearly two years ago and it has been bad. As I was old (40s') children were priority and we had our beautiful baby within a year. HOwever, there has been not a week since we got married that has not been marred by rows, disagreements, and in the last 6-7 months of constant trading of insults. We simply cannot get on, and he refuses to discuss, and we disagree on everything. We lived in different countries and have independent homes from the point we were married due to our careers so he travels to see the little one every 2 weeks on average. Although I accept between us that there is no alternative to our situation (we agreed to marry without one of us moving in order that nobody had to give up his/her career), and having my daughter is the best thing that has happened to me, I have ended up being a single mother 10 out of 13 days, and he is only here to play with her at the weekend. In the last 10 months, things have got even worse as we disagree about every aspect of parenting. His being French does not help as they do things differently anyway. However, what I cannot manage is the soul destruction - his persistent deconstruction of my being ('you are crazy' 'you need help and medications') and his insistence that he has the right way and mine is wrong; and lately the personal insults, walking away whistling (eg leaving me and the 15 month old in the middle of the Olympic Park with pouring rain just because he says I told him off for something minor). In my mind, I cannot bear living another minute with him, but I cannot bear the thought of my little baby growing up in a divorced situation, or even losing her to France if he takes her with him on his time (which I am sure will be awarded to him if we were to divorce). I have no major financial concerns as I am in an independent stable profession and I would happily leave him without one single thought if not for the baby's welfare. Sorry this is so boring but i would be grateful for any comments and just chat perhaps, to help me see the trees in the woods...thanks a million x

[Xenia]

KC, not boring at all. I divorecd after 19 years. However long you are together it is still hard. It sounds very much like neither of you can make the other happy. It is no good for chidlren at all to be with warring parents.

I have a slightly of the wall extra point however - most people want 2 not 1 child and your bnest chance of that is now with him given age etc. Would it not be worth having number 2 immediately and then divorcing?

if you don't get on and only have to be together 3 days out of every 10 that is not a huge amount to endure. Which country do you live in and which of you would get the child? There is no reason women should to be fair to men they should be just as likely and you may not want to lose the child so that's another consideration. Also consider if yo uhave a choice of UK or France to divorce where to do it. Get legal advice. I think the lower earner does best in the UK so if you earn a lot more than he does you might find France is the better place for the divorce.

[KettleCHips]

Thank you v much Xenia. I do want 2 children but that was one of the many points of contention. Having agreed to have a family before we married, he then refused a second child with me - not because he doesn't want more children, just he doesn't want it with me. We haven't slept together more than 4-5x since baby arrived. I am in UK and we married under British law as I am British, and the baby has dual nationality and passports. Unfortunately or fortunately I earn more than him but he has far greater family assets. I guess a big part of me can't bear the thought of divorce and failure but I am trying to make myself see the best for the baby and consider her first before my own misery.

[Xenia]

So you cannot steal his sperm then?Okay forget that plan. You can easily have a child by sperm donor next year before it's too late without him then.

In English law family assets do not matter. It is what is precisely in his name - so you add up his and your personal assets, equity in properties and savings, take off debts you both have and in English law start with dividing that by two. My chidlren's father though got 60% not 50% because I earn more and I did not want to pay him maintenance for life so he got the extra as a clean break.

Now I am through divorce I don't see it as failure at all. It is much nicer for children to have parents who are not fighting all the time.

On the other hand no one needs to rush into divorce (although if you want child 2 you don't have much time so that is a practical issue). You could tell him unless you have child 2 you are divorcing then have child 2 and then divorce him anyway.

I think if you nad he live in two countries you get a choice of where to divorce and the one who gets in first seizes the jurisdiction and hard to swap countries after that - Abramovitch eg divorced first in Russia. Much simpler though fo ryou to divorce in the UK. However if the difference is in Franceh he has no claims on your UK assets but in the UK he gets more than half your property and maintenance for life say in a worst situation then France might be worth the effort.

Also people divorce and re marry. You daughter might then grow up in a home with two loving parents and a French stepfather in her life with whom she can spend the summers. It could be good all round.

Mind you new babies make everyone tired and unhappy and stressed so you might just want to wait to see if it calms. It is a totally unfair set up as it is. I would only tolerate a man doing 50% of everything with the children and to have him abroad and hardly ever there gives you none of the advantages of marriage and the night after night help many husbands give with babies, nappy changing, child care and all the rest.

[Xenia]

Good points - so France (unless they are biased to French nationals on divorce) for money as she earns more; but UK perhaps because more likely to have the child rather than 50/50 in France. You priobably need a lawyer who has good contacts with French divorce lawyers or a branch over there or does international divorces. Withers or similar firm jsut for initial quick advice of one hour (don't waste loads of money on lawyers unless there is a fortune at stake).

Also if you don't know whether to split up still worth seeing al awyer. i did before I had decided. I wanted to know if I'd lose the children (as their father very slightly spent more time with them - although we had a full time nanny and both worked full time) as I would not have divorced had there been that risk.

[KettleCHips]

Thanks both! Really useful starting point. I think at the end of it, almost certainly have something to do with cultural differences. I am OK with French women but I find the French men almost intolerable in their views about society and women sometimes. Not that it's wrong or evil - just so different and rough. In that sense I feel its irretrievable - ie I can't change his culture!! Anyway, sounds like a need a lawyer and mediation is not going to work....

[Xenia]

i think the best lawyers mediate and indeed you can choose a lawyer in the UK in Resolution who will stop working for you if there are any court hearings. It is a very good scheme but get some advice from them first and then negotiate with your husband but only once you've decided and once you have copies of everything, h is pay slips, pension details, copies of any share certificate4s showing family assets in his name before his famly transfer them out, do a mass of due diligence company searches etc all before he has a single suspicion you might be on to him.