XH is going to be missing loads of weekends with kids

[Yogagirl17]

Split from my ex in January & have now signed a formal separation agreement. We have in writing that he has them overnight every Sunday night and alternate weekends on the Saturday as well. This can be "altered if both parents agree". But he's planned to go to a bunch of conferences in September and October which means he is going to miss 4 out of 5 weekends in a row and hasn't even bothered to check with me.

I feel this isn't fair to me or the kids.

At the moment we are just about maintaining a civil but extremely tense relationship and if simply tell him this isn't acceptable and he needs to sort it out it's going to start a huge row. I asked him about it weeks ago (not making any demands but just querying what exactly the arrangements were) and he still hasn't replied. Frankly, I would quite happily tell him I think he is (yet again) being a complete and utter fuckwit prick but every time we argue I get really stressed out and then the kids get upset....

So in the interests of diplomacy, how do I deal with this?

[GrizzlyFrontBum]

What can you do? Ou can't force him to have them if he'd rather work and not rearrange. Sadly - for the kids - that would appear the case.

Yes he's a rude shit if he hasn't discussed it with you and checked that you can have the children BUT don't argue over it. There's no point.

Why did he bother signing the agreement recently if he was going to miss so much? Muppet.

[Yogagirl17]

I think the word you're searching for is FuckMuppet !

[Homebird8]

"altered if both parents agree" I bet he wanted that phrase there so that he could change things at whim, saying that you agreed to it. And if you protect your children from upset by avoiding getting stressed out yourself over it and he wins again.

So, that's the statement of the obvious, and the situation will recurr. The issue is how you will choose to respond as time goes on.

Firstly, I'd make an ongoing record of every occasion where he changes things along with your response and why you made it.

E.g. xx/xx/12 He declined to have/see DCs. I changed other arrangements to make myself available to care for them in his place because I felt ... The DCs were upset/oblivious/angry/disillusioned etc. with this change in their circumstance/routine/expectation.

Then I would probably seek counselling to help me find appropriate methods that will work for me, to overcome my upset in enforcing the agreement, so that I could do it in the future without showing the children how I felt about the situation or my ability to handle it.

I realise that I have put all these in the first person, but that is because you will know what it right for you. The things above would be right for me and may help you find your own solutions - or we may be so alike you find mine useful.

Is your ex the type to stick rigidly to an agreement, court order written to say that there can be no change to the arrangement? If so perhaps you could suggest that that might be the way to go and that it isn't your responsibility to be his child are when he would rather be somewhere else.

By the way, what sort of career has 4 or 5 conferences in a row? OW career?

[Homebird8]

Child care - not child are.

And I think you are right to protect your children from seeing more discord and pain, by falling in with his flakiness until you have a better strategy FWIW - just keep that record to say you didn't want to and that it was inconvenient.

[Yogagirl17]

Hi Homebird - Problem is I'm so not good at a)not rising to the challenge when he's being an ass and b)not letting the kids see I'm upset. I probably could do with more counselling at the moment but can't afford it - it's on my "To Do" list once I've got a job and back on my feet financially! (And yes, I know there are lots of free/low cost options around but don't want to do that for various reason).

I could insist on enforcing the arrangement and that he can not simply change his weekends without my prior agreement but like I said, that will just cause a row and he won't cancel now. (so many conferences because he often either presents at them or sells stuff) I could try to offer and be accomodating but insist that in future he check with me first...?

It's also that I'm not just pissed off on the kids' behalf (missing their time with him) but for myself as well. I've gotten used to having my Sunday nights and some Saturdays free and I want to be able to go on dates!! So even if he offers to have them during the week to make up for his missed weekends that doesn't help my social life . (But no doubt that's just me being selfish. Thats why he had to have an affair because apparently I'm just selfish and only care about myself and money - Ha! That's a laugh, you should see what I'm getting financially, it's a bloody joke. But that's a whole other thread)

[Homebird8]

Ok, so at least the conferences are perhaps real. But they will have been on the calendar for some months (these things aren't organised in a blink and speakers and stands are booked a long while before the conferences). I'm guessing, if asked, your ex could provide a comprehensive list of all he has planned for the next 6 months and some further way than that. At least you'd b enable to plan around that.

Of course you want to be able to have a reliable social life yourself. That isn't selfish. Send him a calendar and ask him, in writing, to bring it back with all his conferences on it so that you know. Take control back by saying that you are prepared to vary your agreement to take account of them as long as he gives you a minimum of 3 months notice. Any changes after that cannot be accommodated to enable your own plans (you do not need to say what they may be as it's 'his' time with the DCs you're talking about).

Tell him in your covering note that a written agreement needs written variations so that you can both work for the best for your DCs. I wouldn't bring up the needs of the DCs in this. One battle at a time. Get the dates set in stone so that you can plan and don't belong to him for flexible childcare anymore.

[Yogagirl17]

I used to work for him so I know the conferences are most likely real (although that was an excuse he used when he was cheating!) and I know these particular ones will have been booked 6-12 months ago, before we formalised our childcare arrangements. I think the reason I'm getting pissed off now (aside from all the hypothetical dates I won't be able to go on ) is that I asked him to discuss this weeks ago and he's ignoring me! That's his tactic these days. Just don't answer. Ignore. Drop the kids in the driveway and run off. When he's not running away or ignoring me he will quite happily come into the house to visit with the kids. He will also send me emails insisting I "acknowledge receipt" of HIS messages so definite double standards in place.

[Homebird8]

Not sure you're the one feeling worst about possible confrontation actually. He still needs to book his childcare with you or sort his weekend commitments another way.

If you commonly communicate by email, can you send one with all the dates you expect him to stick to his agreement for and ask for his variations by the end of next week. There are ways of making your email send you a 'read receipt' so you'd know he got it. Then he could do what he wanted on your driveway. I'm assuming the DCs are big enough to be dumped on the drive on his return!

I'm dreaming of lovely dates with reliable and lovely men for you. But you need the dates so you can fit them all in. (The dates not the men )

[Yogagirl17]

No, see that's just it - he doesn't check with me before changing the agreed arrangements. He just books stuff to be away then puts it in the diary!

(And yes, DCs are 9 & 11 so old enough to be dumped in the driveway)

Right, I've been awake since 4 worrying about this crap. I'm going try and go back to bed for an hour or so (he's taking the kids away today for a few days and I have a very hot date tom night ).

[Homebird8]

Sending you beauty sleep for your upcoming gorgeousness!

[Yogagirl17]

thanks homebird I did indeed get back to sleep. Bumping now for those who might be awake at a normal hour!

[Homebird8]

You're welcome, but it's night time here in NZ for me now so hoping that someone will be along soon with some better ideas.

Is he thoughtless, afraid, or manipulative?

[Yogagirl17]

Bloody hell - awake at 4:30am again worrying about this sh&t!

Homebird - I think manipulative is the key. He does things like insisting I reply in writing to acknowledge receipt of something he's told me, then completely ignoring me when I do the same. I emailed him about this stuff early yesterday morning. Several hours later I texted him just to ask if he'd gotten the email and he said he hadn't checked his email since Saturday.

In the 18 years I've know him he has never gone more than 8 hours without checking his mail. We would come home on a Saturday night from a night out and he would check his email before bed - at 1 in the morning! We never saw him on a Sunday because he would be locked in the study all day working and answering emails. He answered emails at least twice a day, every day, when we went on holiday. And now he expects me to believe he's not checked his email in a day and a half? But if I call him a liar he will just deny it. He will say he's changed.

I'm going to wait til a reasonable hour this morning (give him a chance to check his mail) and if nothing then send this:

"I would appreciate it if you could please do me the courtesy of at least acknowledging my emails - this is the third time I've had to ask (actually 4th if you count the message I sent you on the 29th July which you also didn't respond to).

According to the minute of separation, regular childcare arrangements can only be changed if we both agree. I know there are times when there will need to be changes but I would appreciate it if such changes could be discussed and agreed to rather than made unilaterally by you. I'm really trying to be flexible and help you out but I've been asking you for weeks now to discuss these changes with me and so far you have completely ignored me. I don't want to insist on the arrangements being set in stone but doing things in this manner really isn't ok for me."

What do you think?

[SoSoMamanBebe]

Poor you. I'd be tempted to tell him to shape up. You've already told him there is an email that he needs to acknowledge. Perhaps say in future that if you have emailed and texted, if he doesn't respond in 24 hours you will take that as tacit agreement to what you have written. Can you put read notifications on your emails?

Not sure if that is legal though.

[SoSoMamanBebe]

Do you have a lawyer friend to discuss it with? Is there a legal forum you could post your letter on for advice?

[DoingItForMyself]

Agree with Soso, email him YOUR version of what will happen with a note at the end saying that unless you hear to the contrary these will be the arrangements. Any deviation needs to be discussed and agreed between you, as stated in the childcare agreement.

" Sunday xxth you are unable to have the children due to a conference.
I am free to help you, so you can have them on Wednesday evening instead.

Sunday xxth I am already booked up with something else so you need to find alternative arrangements for childcare on that date." etc

As for dates always being at the weekend, plenty of men work funny days/shifts and would be more than happy to meet you during the week, so don't let that stop you going out. My stbxh works shifts so his access days are all over the place. Last week I had a dinner invitation on a Weds night and went for coffee (man from POF!) on a Friday morning, so I'm not letting odd days off affect my social life!

[Homebird8]

Well done for sending him the email about the arrangements and I can see that he is not in the habit of affording you the same respect in communication that he insists on when he delivers a missive. I like DoingIt's plan of handing back dates when you have accommodated his changes, and sometimes just not accommodating.

As far as your letter goes I would rethink a couple of phrasing choices 'I would appreciate' begs too much and he'll love to play you with that one. It sounds a bit like he has a choice on whether to comply with the agreement or not. You're doing all the 'flexible' and he's doing none so stop.

Tell him that he has a time frame to bring his problem dates to you and that in a given time after that you will inform him whether you can accommodate his changes or not. He gets say, a week to give you all his problem dates coming up in the next 6 months and then you promise to give him your response to them, positive or negative, in the following week. You need to tell him up front that if he fails to provide dates within his week there will be no change of arrangements from what is written in the agreement and alternative childcare arrangements will be his responsibility if he cannot look after your DCs himself.

Talking of which, where would/could he leave them? Are you happy with that place, and are the DCs?

[Yogagirl17]

Actually, the final version of the email went more like this (and only sent this morning after another full day of no replies!)

"I have childcare issues I've been trying to talk to you about for over three weeks now and you have repeatedly ignored all attempts at communication on this issue. You have put a significant number of changes into the diary that affect our agreed childcare arrangements. I really do understand that you will have these commitments and I am trying to be as flexible and helpful as possible. But I find it unreasonable that you won't discuss it with me. According to to our minute of separation these weekends are meant to be your responsibility and any changes need to be agreed. While I won't ask you to change your existing commitments, going forward I would like any such changes to be discussed and agreed in advance. If that isn't going to be possible then childcare arrangements on those weekends will be your responsibility."

He can leave the kids with his parents - I'm happy with this and DCs are happy with this

[Homebird8]

Well done Yogagirl That sounds calm, firm, and decisive. Lovely for your DCs to have wider family they love to be with too. Let's hope your ex can start to play by the family diary as much as his work one.

[DoingItForMyself]

Sounds perfect to me Yoga. Hope it has the desired effect. If not, any problems caused by his lack of organisation will be his own responsibility to sort out.

[SoSoMamanBebe]

Well done. I do hope you get a sensible reply.

[Yogagirl17]

We had the following exchange of texts:

Me: please check your email
Him: I'm not answering email while on holiday
(He's told me before he doesn't answer personal emails when at work so not sure exactly when I am allowed to email him!)
Me: Well since you refuse to discuss the issue then I will assume you are responsible for childcare arrangements on the days you are supposed to have the children.
Him: I have advised you in advance of these dates as specified by our agreement.
Me: Our agreement says changes have to be "agreed" not "advised" there's a difference you total moron

[Yogagirl17]

For morons and fuckmuppets everywhere:

Definition of AGREE, verb
to accept or concede something; to achieve or be in harmony (as of opinion, feeling, or purpose); to come to terms

Definition of ADVISE, verb
to give (someone) a recommendation about what should be done;to give information or notice to

[DoingItForMyself]

Great stuff Yoga! Keep being forthright and business-like, its the only way with people like him who take advantage of your good nature if you let them. x

[DoingItForMyself]

"to be in harmony"! I love it. If only.