Desperate

[Benolly]

Just a few hours ago I told my two lovely children, 15 and 12, that their mum and I are separating. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and I now feel completely alone and confused.
It's been coming for many years as our relationship has gradually got worse. It has ended up with us not speaking for weeks on end and when we are speaking, struggling to say two words to each other without the other one taking offence.

After yet another small row the other day, I felt like I was having a breakdown and said enough. I told her a few minutes later and although upset felt some relief that there was a way out. Some hours later I told my mother, expecting her to be angry. She was initially but became sympathetic and didn't judge me, giving me her support when needed.

Don't think my wife saw it coming in hindsight and she remains angry with me and has been telling me that it's up to me to sort things out as its what I want. Think that there must have been times when she was close to leaving me in the past, so I'm shocked by her anger.

Thing is that having told the children it has suddenly become very real. I haven't got a place to go to and there isn't anyone else involved but I am now planning to leave my two children. My loves and life. I can't see a future without them, even if I see them everyday the thought of not being there day and night for them breaks my heart.

Have I made a mistake?

[Mum2Fergus]

Sorry for your situation OP. If its been going on for years, its likely that the kids have picked up on it...best they dont grow up thinking that its normal. Use your support network to work out whats next for you all...hugs.

[Benolly]

Thanks for the reply.

Eldest is upset but keeps things to his chest. Both his Grandads have died over the last 5 years and he didn't show too much emotion then either, even though we know was hurting.
Youngest is upset but until things change massively I think he'll be ok.
They are both good kids and will know that we aren't getting on.

Have been looking at places to move to and they are all so expensive. Don't know how I'll be able to afford it.
Want her to stay in the house with the kids to keep this disruption to a minimum but we don't have any spare money.
I work full time and she works part time, but don't think she'll accept the idea of working full time to help pay for me moving out!

Hope I'm doing the right thing for us all.

[Hidinginthewoods]

It sounds from your OP that you are doing the right thing - for all of you.

You sound as though you have an open relationship with & care for your DC's very much, they will begin to understand the decisions you have made over time.

Could you stay in the family home until you have established where you can afford to live?
You may find the lines of communication are more open now you've openly discussed how you feel which should alleviate some of the pressure you've all been feeling.
Good luck & hope it all works out for you.

[Benolly]

Thanks Hidininthewoods. I do love my DCs so much. Makes it so much harder taking this step. Feeling a total failure at both being a husband and a father.

Hope I can stay in the house for a few weeks till something half decent comes up. Wishing that my wife can get over her shock and anger to begin talking to me, so we can sort out arrangements together.

[Benolly]

She has now taken the youngest away for a few days.
Says she won't ever forgive me for doing this and that if I don't move out soon, she will and taking the kids with her. Can't see that would be a good thing for the kids?

Eldest is out and seeking support from his peers like most teenagers and I now feel very alone.
Can't see her sitting down and talking about things reasonably when she comes back.

I've made a real mess of everything and have no plan. What should I do and where should I start?

[Mum2Fergus]

You've spoken to your own Mum, could you move there in the short term just to give you all a bit of space?

[chipsandmushypeas]

Sorry I have no advice, but I'm sorry this is happening. Sounds like you are a great father, look after yourself and your dcs x

[chipsandmushypeas]

benolly please repost this in the relationship section as there's much more traffic there and some amazing advice x