Advice please on contact orders and who does the travelling?

[blippers]

Hi all. Been reading some posts and it saddens me how many broken families there are with one ex being incredibly difficult!
I have done the messy divorce after having dealt with my ex cheating on me and leaving myself and our two kids then aged 5 months and 4 yrs old. It came out of nowhere, he denied it for months until I saw them together. After that i stupidly attempted to reconcile and we went back and forth foronths with him changing his mind over and over until i could not take anymore. He was 38 at the time and she was 20! She got pregnant before our divorce was finalised. Unbelievably they are still together!
I then attempted to emigrate to Australia with kids, something we had planned as a family but that got refused. All that in the space of 2 years!
I have now found someone much nicer in every way and moved areas to live with him and my kids. The distance from where I lived with my ex is only 50 miles but my ex has thrown a strop, mainly I reckon because he has lost control of me, and he feels I should do one of the journeys when he has contact with the kids. I just don't see how this is in any way fair! I've not had maintenance from him for 8 months now. He does not offer any financial support and is of the mind that because I set up CSA he does not need to offer anything other than what they take from him, when he gets a job! He hasn't even bothered to sign on whilst looking for work which makes me think he's lying. He's always worked cash on hand so I am adamant there is some dodgy dealings going on but have no proof sadly.
He has put an enforcement order on me because I refused him access to the kids after he put the kids in the car then refused to return them unless I came and collected them.
Whilst we're waiting to get the hearing date he has not made any contact with the kids either my phone or a request to see them! Yet I get penalised for offering contact and saying when he can have them! Apparently we are not allowed to tell the other parent but must ask! I am in no way ready to hold a conversation with this man.
I hope someone can give me some advice over travel arrangements with regards to who picks up and drops off the kids.
I feel so strongly that fathers rights have gone too far with their demands it affects the mothers who are doing what they can in a difficult situation where fathers cheat and break up families. They should bare the consequences of their actions, do what ever needs to be done to see their children and help out the mother who is left to care for the children in any way possible.
What a mammoth post but it really helps to get it all out again! Keep strong everyone.

[Olympia2012]

You moved away, so effectively making it difficult for your kids to see their dad. Why can't you do a journey one way?

Don't mix contact issues with maintenance. 2 separate issues

[blippers]

I don't see why I should to be honest. I pay for everything to do with the kids, school runs, etc. My ex has the kids every other weekend and half the holidays. I am not stopping contact, I just don't see why I should do a journey in order to help him out. I have a few friends whose ex just gets their kids and returns them without any issue, because they want to see their children. I am not in a good financial position so the extra costs incurred wont help.

[Olympia2012]

You aren't helping him Out.... You are facilitating a relationship for your children. You are doing it for them

[MrsTomHardy]

I don't have any experience of contact orders i'm afraid but my xp does all pick up's and drop off's.........end of!

[blippers]

I know and I have thought about just accepting that I will do the journey, but it just winds me up inside and brings back all the times in the past that my ex has controlled me. I haven't let those emotions go and cannot forgive him for what he did.
Is that the norm then, that travel is shared? But what if he moves and ends up miles away? Do I still drive to him?
I just think where will it end?

[blippers]

What's the distance? I've only moved 50 miles further. He's lucky I didn't go to the other end of the country! And the move wasn't a way to distance him which is what he claims I'm doing. If you can, stay away from court orders and the law. It just makes things so tense between both parties.

[MrsTomHardy]

My xp has moved about 7 times in 9 years...he once moved to cornwall and saw our ds in the hols and he used to ask me to meet him half way but no way was i doing that! £20 a week maintenance yet he wanted me to drive all that way...plus i had 2 other children to think about.
For the past 2 years he lives about 2 minute drive away!!!

[blippers]

Thanks mrstomhardy. I know I'm the one who has moved but he is the one made this chain of events happen. I just know the courts won't give a damn. An hoping someone on here will prove me wrong!

[Olympia2012]

It doesn't sound like you have your children's best interests at heart

[Bossybritches22]

Can you not offer to meet halfway ? If he then refuses then it at least shows the court you tried.

As others have said maintenance + contact are 2 separate issues.

It is very hard but try not to let his actions spoil the chance of the kids knowing their dad.

[Happylander]

Mine took me to court and one of the reasons why was to try and get me to drive. I refused as there was no way I was driving. I couldn't afford it and I felt as I was not the one to have an affair and leave our relationship then it should be up to him. I do everything else and felt that by asking me to drive a 3 hour round trip was quite frankly taking the piss however, I was still in the family home.

Unfortunately you have moved away so I am not sure how CAFCASS would view it. CAFCASS was very much behind me and so it was ruled that he was to do all drop offs and pick ups. I could also prove though that by being forced into driving it would mean I would get into debt, I would not be able to work the much needed extra shifts to keep a roof over our DS head and I also pointed out that by making me get into a car in an extreme state of anger, tiredness and distress at having to do it would not be beneficial to our child and in fact would put DS, me and whoever else was on the road in danger. Plus I also added that if I did have an accident due to my concentration being affected as I being forced rather than willingly driving then I could actually sue as I was being forced into driving under duress.

Work out how much it would cost you and show if you can not afford it. I would also point out that he provides nothing financially so he therefore does not have your children's best interest at heart. Ignore those that say you must drive as it means you are facilitating a relationship..if he wants a relationship with his children he would come get them you only have to offer contact it is up to him whether he takes you up on it or not. That was told to me by the CAFCASS officer by the way.

[blippers]

Thanks Happylander. I feel I have a better case than before having read your post. I think you're right that I may not get the request because i have moved away. It gives me a bit more hope tho.. Thank you

[Happylander]

The other thing that I said was that under no circumstances would I drive. Nothing would make me drive and I would rather go to jail than drive. Barrister said laughed and said it would not come to that. I was really quite firm about the fact that I was not prepared to do the driving. I also said I would just sell my car LOL.

It doesn't matter now though as he wants nothing to do with DS. DS obviously gets in the way of his new life.