hand holding required...

[mowmi]

I haven't got the energy for a long story but my husband over a long period of time has behaved badly (Spat at me, spent money we don't have, aggresive, bullying, leaves me to do everything, takes no responsibility for anything...feel like i have 2 children not 1)
We have been seperated for 10 weeks now but living in the same house, during this time he's carried on with all the crap which made me fall out of love with him in the first place...

I think it's only just really dawning on him that I mean it and he can't talk me round and he's not in a great place.
Last night he basically sent me a suicide note and left the house - I had to get the police out looking for him.

I have good legal advice so I have that covered (albeit killing me financially with no hope of getting any of it back in settlement - house in negative equity)

I don't want to be with him anymore, I know he is emotionally abusing me but I feel v bad for him. I am trying my best to keep things amicable for the sake of our 2.5 year old son.

He's told me I can do what I want re divorce but he won't be signing anything!
He's threatened to go for full custody of our son (Despite him doing less than 5% of his care) although he seems to have calmed on this threat at the moment...

I'm rambling now... someone please tell me it gets better?

[Midwife99]

I am currently going through my 3rd divorce () so an old hand I suppose. All I can advise is that all things pass. If you can face it could you rent somewhere else for you & your son to go to & leave ASAP? Otherwise contact Women's Aid or housing & get emergency housing? He is likely to step things up when he realises you really do mean it & violence is the next thing that could happen quite easily & you need a locked door he cannot get past. The "script" is often years of abuse, followed by suicide threats then violence when he realises you are ending the relationship.

[mowmi]

thanks Midwife, I not overly worried about him being violent but appreciate I need to watch out. If I leave the house I know he won't pay the mortgage and it will get repossesed. I have already spoken to the bank and they will let me take the mortgage on but I need to count maintenance towards my income for them to grant me the loan on my own.
That said if things get much worse I'll have to leave and rent somewhere.
Thanks again. x

[Midwife99]

Will he leave??

[mowmi]

no, adamant he won't be going anywhere.

[Midwife99]

So if there is negative equity what can you do except leave if he won't?

[mowmi]

My solicitor has advised me to stay put and get him to sign the house over to me eventually, either that or well have to sell it and we'll both walk away with 20k of debt each.
I'm hoping at some point he'll see sense?

[Xenia]

I bought my husband out of the house. It can be done and nicer to be in your own place. Mine refused to leave on his lawyer's advice until we had decree absolute, court had approved the financial order and the house was transferred to my name and a large lump sum to his. He moved out after that and indeed it is the house of both of you until that is all done - no reason one not the other should leave although it's not fun being in the same house. If he won't sign anything then you can have him forced to do so. The first stage will be to ask him if he is going to use a lawyer in the divorce. If he is then a draft divorce petition can be sent to his lawyer who will rpobably persuade him into getting on with it.

If he is violent to you which I suspect not yet you could get a non molestation order to have him excluded from the home. Consider setting up a camera at home to record him at his worst for evidence but ideally you will just move swiftly to the final stages - it took us 7 months in the same house but divorcing.

[mowmi]

Thanks Xenia, that's pretty much what my solicitor told me, It's going to be drawn out as I'm a bit short on the multiples and need to count some of the maintenance he'll need to pay towards my income (luckily my bank will count this). My solicitor told me no judge in the land would demand the house be sold if all that it resulted in was a huge debt.
It's not fun being in the same house but he is working shifts at the moment which means we do get time away from the pressure of being here together. and we are both trying to be civil which is working 90% of the time (despite last night's horrific turn).
He's not using a solicitor and I doubt he will, I worry about that as there is nobody to advise him / reign him in.
x

[Midwife99]

Tricky situation. It sounds like you'll have to divorce him quick.

[mowmi]

Yep, going to get the papers files very soon. He's called me today like nothing has happened wanting to do something jointly with our son.
It's verging on the absolute ridiculous one minute he's threatening to kill himself the next like nothing has happened.
I've been strong up to now but it feels like this will never be over. I can't imagine him ever letting me go.

[Xenia]

I found mine a solicitor. I paid the bills of both sides. I think it was worth it.
I think if someone does not want to be divorced as in our case and yours they want to carry on as normal as long as they can. He kept working for me to about 2 days before he left.

My lawyer said that once the house was transferred etc if he did not leaev then then we could get a court order (after decree absolute) BUT in our case we were reasonably sensible, both had lawyers, did a lot of negotiation about money ourselves and took legal advice and then asked the lawyers to draw it up so no court hearings at all. If he wants to he can spin it out but ulitmately he cannot avoid it.

[mowmi]

Wish it was an option! With no money coming out of the house plus a massive reduction in disposable cash once he does leave (it is a big mortgage I'll be taking sole responsibility for) paying mine will clear what bit of savings I've managed to put away. The other thing I fear is he will sooner or later stop paying anything at all for the roof above his head and I'll be saddled with him living here for free. X