Getting divorced - walk away or fight

[Elephant25]

Hi,
Need some advice.
I am going to start by saying I am in the wrong but would appreciate views on both sides.
Bascially I had been with my husband for 12 years (married for 6) there have been incidents of violence in the past (3 to be precise - I will point out that he never actually hit me just pinned me up against things or raised his hand) anyway I stupidly had a brief fling with someone i work with - I am not proud and do regret that and am ashamed for doing it in the first place - I did tell my husband that I wanted to seperate very shortly after this started as I couldnt deal with the guilt (at this point I didnt tell him about the fling just that I wasnt happy in our marriage)
As expected he found out about it and was naturally hurt and hated me (something i totally accept he would feel)
I have since moved out with our daughter and walked away from everything - I have had to buy everything again from scratch as he wouldnt let me take anything from the house, he has now started divorce proceeding (again something i expected) but he is now saying i am entilited to nothing. We have a house in joint names, a holidays that was booked worth £3500 (i have asked to buy his ticket or him to buy mine but he says he would rather cancel it and lose everything) contents etc - he has moved everything that belongs to me out of the house and passed it to a relative, he refuses to let me back in the house - the police are involved due to the violence and I have been advised not to be alone with him.
I am waiting for the divorce petition to come through but am not sure wether to walk away from everything and start again or to fight for what I think should be mine (50% of what we have bought together as such)
Like say - i know what i did was wrong yet he was wrong for the violence also (all alcohol related apart from the 3rd time in which he was fully sober and this was also witnessed by our daughter who is only 7)

Can anyone offer advice or do I deserve all I get?

[ivykaty44]

but he is now saying i am entilited to nothing. We have a house in joint names,

A judge will not agree to you walking away with nothing - the divorce papers for the finance will have to go through a judge and he can simply refuse to stamp the papers until your ex agrees to let you have a share.

So I would suggest a 50- 50 share on the house and nothing else - then let it run its course, but my own opinion is stick to 50-50 on the house

[ivykaty44]

Oh and I am sorry you are going through this it sounds like an awful marriage and I hope you can move on and put this behind you.

[HugeMedalTally]

I would get a solicitor to advise you on what you can expect, but remember that whatever you get financially out of the divorce will benefit your daughter. If you own the value of half the house, you will have less to fork out on living costs out of income, and this will be of benefit to her.

Neither of you have acted well, and it's to your credit that you are honest about this, but your daughter is an innocent party. Why should she lose out?

[Elephant25]

I totally agree with you HygeMedalTally, our daughter is an innocent party in all this - something I have tried to stick to throughout it all - unfortunately however from my husbands side this isnt the case.
He has involved her by telling her things and calling me names - which she has herself told me.

I have been in touch with a solicitor and will be seeing them once i recieve the petition - to be honest I would be happy to sort this out amicably but know that isnt going to be possible as there is too much hurt from his side - which I totally understand.

[zookeeper]

You need to get proper legal advice and stop taking advice off him!

How the marriage broke down will have no impact on a financial settlement, so stop worrying about that.

[Sighingagain]

A judge will sign it - dh did this - walked away with nothing (also had resident child with him) - the judge sent all the papers back and he had to sign a disclaimer that the judge sent with papers.

That said I don't think you should walk away with nothing - it's more than half yours if DD is resident with you - split will be higher in your favour whether ex likes it or not.

What I think it comes down to is how much there is to fight over.

Dhs solicitor said he had never seen anyone fight so hard over so little (ex) - which is why Dh walked away - it simply wasn't worth the battle.

But he did have a huge fight to get his name off mortgage - even though handing over contents and 100% of equity.

[Elephant25]

I know he cant afford the mortgage himself - although initially i did offer to take over the house and bills myself and already had a guarantor in place but he refused to move hence why i found somewhere else to live.

All I would like is my half of the equity in the house and to remove my name from the mortgage (to build a future for me and our daughter) and get back on the property ladder as currently in rented accomodation, and for a few of my belongings back - he has taken all my jewellery and refuses to give it back - things that have a lot of meaning to me and would like to pass on in the future to our daughter.

[purplewithred]

What Zoo said. The early days of separation are a time of madness when it's very very hard to think rationally.

Being loaded with guilt makes it worse. Believe me, I was in a situation very similar to yours and was prepared to martyr myself to atone for my terrible sin of having a fling. Don't do it. It's unfair to you and especially to your DD.

You are getting divorced to end a poisonous, unhealthy marriage and you need to salvage whatever is rightfully yours so you can start afresh with some security.

The best thing you can do before seeing a solicitor is gather together any information you have on what your marriage owns - house equity, pensions (yours and his), savings and so forth, his income. Add to this what the arrangements will be long term for your daughter - how much time do you expect her to spend with him? Then the solicitor can advise on a sensible approach.

[Sighingagain]

You need to protect yourself and DD - if he fights legal fees will be huge - so I'd go see a solicitor and make 2 proposals - 1 for a quick settlement (half but I did that out of a misplaced sense of guilt and now I wish I had taken more) and one based on what solicitor thinks you would be entitled too if their is a fight.

He is bullying you.

[Lovemy3kids]

I am sorry that you are going through this OP

I think that you should get legal advise - the first 1/2 hour or hour is free. You are entitled to half of everything, regardless of the grounds for divorce. I think you H is being a bully. If you still have your tickets for the holiday....go on it...and take some time out.

[lunamoon]

Don't walk away with nothing.
You are entitleed to half.
As for the holiday, can you speak to the travel company?
Can you pay to swap your exs name into someone elses? Even without his consent?
Failing that can you just go with dd and not mention it to him, hoping he won't turn up at the airport? Let him loose his share of the holiday.

He sounds very bitter and is trying to blame you for the breakdown.
I feel really sorry for you.