Can someone cheer me up please?

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Hello

My husband and I agreed to separate in Feb and are still living in fh together. It was me that instigated separation, I'd been unhappy for years.

He's a good man in lots of ways but passive-aggressive, negative, and basically makes me feel crap about myself. Massive distance between us and hardly any physical relationship for years. Dd aged 11 and 9, I'm 41 and he's 14 years older. DD have handled it well and are close to both of us. Dh is resentful (doesn't want to separate, I think he'd tolerate anything to stay living full time as a family). I'm doing a very demanding Uni course and dh's business is struggling in the recession, so there is lots of pressure. We are civil but distant in the house, and we have to sleep in the same bed as there is no spare room.

We had a buyer for our house, but they pulled out just before we were due to exchange contracts (May). Our house is on the market but we've had little interest. It may be overpriced. Dh has some family members who've offered to lend us the money so I can buy the house I had planned to buy. It's scary though, as we don't know what we will get for ours. I was being put under pressure to complete by the beginning of August and I've put the purchase on hold as I have exams looming.

I'm feeling very anxious and sorry for myself I'm afraid. The current status quo is awful - limbo - no freedom to move on but without the benefits of being in a 'happy' family unit. We do things separately with the children, and I get sidelined a lot because I'm studying.

But I'm terrified of taking the big step and buying the house. I've never been on my own and had to completely run my own household. I'm worried I'll be terribly lonely when dh has the girls. I feel old and worn out and can't imagine getting (or really even wanting) to be with anyone else.

And I feel massive guilt at what I'm doing. I feel a failure. Marriage has failed. I feel a crap mum because I'm a student, and a crap student because I'm a mum. I just want to be happy but it seems such a hard thing to find.

Sorry!! I don't know why I'm posting this, I guess I want some reassurance that I'm doing the right thing. I've wanted out for so long and been so unhappy but now I am full of grief and nostalgia for the early days, when the children were little, before it went wrong. And I don't feel we could fix things at all, but I still worry if I'm doing the right thing.

[DCSsunhill]

I hear you. My marriage failed in 2010 and I am doing an intensive MA in social work...I barely see my children and work til midnight every night, after placement, studying.

But we're not failures. We are bloody well amazing. We are setting a huge example to our children that life goes on and we tackle issues head on. We are teaching them about resilience. You are doing the right thing. You are being positive and looking towards the future, rather than the past.

Your Uni course will lead to a good job hopefully. Which will lead to easily met methane payments and a better quality of life for the children and increased self esteem for you.

You are doing just fine.

[DCSsunhill]

Methane? wTF? Mortgage!!

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

Hello and thank you. I know you are right - my kids never have to be asked to do their homework because it's normal to be studying. I just wish I got to do more nice things with them and I wasn't always so stressed.

Dh is very hostile and gives me the bad vibes all the time and I've got exams in a week.

I wonder if it's actually worth the aggro, stress and misery of going through the process of separation with someone who doesn't want it and will always see it as all my fault. I wonder if it's better to just stay with this man who makes me feel like shit, because it's easier. I guess it would be OK if I felt like I was looking forward to what's on the other side. I'm in my 40s and was in my 20s when I got married. I think I'm a bit institutionalised and will be like one of those people who's been in prison for so long they can't cope with life on the outside!!

Is it normal to feel like this? And is the freedom worth the pain involved in achieving it?

I'm curious about this, and I'm going to post this question in relationships as well.