Thinking about divorce, and leaving ds(5) with dh

[PolkaDotHeart]

I want to leave my son with dh. I know men do this but how common is it for women

[Cheesecakefan]

Please think again - that would be cruel.

It's not common.

[duchesse]

If your DH loves your son and you really don't feel able to stay, I can't see that it would be a problem. Even if he's not good at looking after him now, he will learn quickly enough if he loves him and they will muddle through. If he is already good with him then no problem at all. If your DH does not love your DS or is likely to neglect him I would urge you to reconsider leaving him (although I don't think you would be considering leaving him with DH if that were the case). Be prepared that your son will suffer from you leaving though, probably less however than if you stayed with your Dh in frosty silence or massive arguments for the next 13 years. You will need to love and visit him. You can't really just up and leave and not stay involved in his life on some level.

[Collaborate]

Cheesecakefan: I believe it is your comment that is cruel - placing emotional pressure upon OP to conform to your idea of a stereotypical arrangement where it is the mother who must provide primary care at all costs.

OP - if you think that's the best thing for your DS, go for it. Agree with duchesse, although the comment that DS would suffer due to you leaving may be equally valid if DH leaves too. Look at this on the resolution website:

www.resolution.org.uk/advice%5Ffor%5Fparents/

[HecateHarshPants]

It is not common for women because as a society we have the idea that the mother must always be with the child, regardless the family circumstances. It is acceptable for a father to not live with the child, but if the mother doesn't - expect shocked and horrified gasps all round and people thinking there is something very wrong with you. What kind of mother doesn't want to be with her children

This is a load of crap. The best place for a child is with the person who is best able to care for them. Whatever is in the child's best interests. This can be either parent, depending on the circumstances of all people involved.

[StealthPolarBear]

What is happening?

[Bunbaker]

"It is not common for women because as a society we have the idea that the mother must always be with the child, regardless the family circumstances. It is acceptable for a father to not live with the child, but if the mother doesn't - expect shocked and horrified gasps all round and people thinking there is something very wrong with you. What kind of mother doesn't want to be with her children"

I'm afraid Hecate is right. That is the view that society will take. If your son is going to be happier with your husband then that is what you should do, but please do take into account how your son is going to feel and reassure him that you still love him.

[duchesse]

Collaborate, yes indeed! Sorry was late last night and I should have expanded. Children suffer whichever parent leaves, and tend to blame themselves. So whichever parent leaves, it has to be managed sensitively is what I meant.

[LurcioLovesFrankie]

I know of 3 families in this situation (one where the child is now in her mid-thirties). It's worked out just fine, but the crucial thing is to be there for your DS as part of his life - make sure he knows that you and daddy didn't get on and it isn't his fault. This will be a process, rather than a one-off - he'll need a lot of reassurance. And also, as others have pointed out, because of social pressures you're likely to have to work harder than a man, because a man can answer the question "why did you leave?" with the answer "because your mum was with you most of the time before and we didn't want to change that", "because the judge said so", "because that's what people do", etc. You're going to need to have a reassuring answer to that question.

[Lifeissweet]

I left my exH and left my DS with him. I did it that way because he would be in his own home with his usual routine and it was least disruptive to him that way. I saw him everyday as I collected him from school and took him home until his father got back. This continued until I got settled in my own place and now we have shared custody. It hurt, but I knew that I had done it for the best interests of DS. If I had been selfish, I would have taken him with me. People might not understand that, but I know it was the right thing to do.

[littlebluechair]

It all depends on why and how. You really need to give some info about what new residency/contact plans would look like in your mind. There's a world of difference between you being local, involved and committed or you just leaving and only having minimal contact.

But parents of both genders do leave. Roughly 10% of single parent households are headed by men.

[NotaDisneyMum]

If you are strong, and believe that it is the right thing for your DS, then I agree wholeheartedly with your decision.
If it is born from desperation, then please seek help before you make that decision, there are always options.

Be prepared for questions and judgements, even from people you expect support from (my parents and solicitor were horrified at the mere suggestion) but if it is the right thing for your DS then stick to your conviction and he will be fine

and good luck - whatever you decide.

[BikeRunSki]

My dad was a single dad in the 1960s after he and his first wife divorced, although in this case, he was made resident parent by the court. When he met the lady who later became his second wife and my mum, she took the children in like her own. Their own mum didn't fight for them.

I have also worked with a single dad. His wife left one day when their DD was 2.5 and she hadn't seen her since (DD wad 6/7 when I worked with her dad). I didn't have any dc at the time, but now I do, I sometimes think of them (and my dad's first wife) and think how hard it would be for me to give up my dc, and if those mums maybe had pnd or something along those lines.

[StealthPolarBear]

OP are you OK, please come back? I'm a bit concerned about exactly what you mean

[shazzie19]

hope you are ok

i would suggest you get some independant advice and maybe some help as it seems you may be struggling to cope at the moment

you must do what you feel is right

any option does not need to be forever

i know its hard and i am a single parent but my kids stay with me - i have a friend who left her sons with their dad as they had a settled life/schools/family where he lived

however i also know that i feel incomplete without my children so despite how hard it can be - it's not an option for me personally

i would say dont leave your son if it is out of guilt to your partner (i dont know why you are leaving)

hugs x