Well I've been on here for the first time today reading some of the threads & I can feel the misery & pain coming out of them. So I thought I'd share some stuff from my own divorce a couple of years ago...
Firstly, well done to everyone who has been honest & looked into their hearts & knew that their marriage is over. That is a hard thing to do as it feels so much like a personal failure. Its also scary, its like a road that you've been travelling on a long time & suddenly there's a fork & on one side you can carry on like you have been doing & on the other side is an unknown path that you don't know where it will end. So it takes bravery to leave the well trodden path for the unknown.
I was married 12 years & had a house near Bristol which was lovely & on the surface we were doing great. My exH had a good job that earned him a lot of money, we had ds1 who is now 6 & I kept up the pretence to everyone that we were fine, lying to my own family as well as his. Like I said he earned a lot of money but I didn't see most of it as he started a cocaine addiction in the first 3 years of ds's life. I can't be sure when as he is also an alcoholic & after ds was born he spent every single night at the pub with his mates, only coming home once he knew ds was in bed. Poor little ds didn't see his dad from Saturday to Saturday & of course I was left totally with all the work. He did not once do a night feed, a bath, cook a dinner etc. He would occasionally take him out so I could have a rest but always took him to the pub so he could have a drink himself. I started finding the cocaine wrappers in his jeans pockets when I picked them off the floor to wash them & it was when he came in drunk one night & in the morning I found a packet of coke on the table where ds could easily have picked it up that I started to think about leaving. But I thought I could help him through it, he promised to stop & then I got pregnant with ds2. Once ds2 was born his behaviour didn't change & I was left with the total care of a newborn & a 3 year old while he carried on going out every night & snorting £s up his nose. When ds2 was 4 months old I asked him to change a nappy while I was getting ds1 to bed & he made a comment along the lines of 'if he was single he wouldn't have to do this. ' & at that second I knew my marriage was over & I hated him, I utterly despised him & I told him I was leaving him.
I moved back to warwickshire, left the house, my job, my friends, ds1 had started school 2 weeks before but I left it all & came back to my family. He stopped paying the mortgage so the house was repossessed so I rent at the min, there's a loan of £63k that I didn't know about secured on the house which I am liable for in full as is he & other debts. But do you know, I have never once regretted it. I found ds1 a new school & have been a SAHM since as I can't find a term time job so cash is tight but I haven't been this happy in over 12 years.
I'll never forget the relief that overcame me once I said the words, that I was leaving him. People talk about a weight off their shoulders but suddenly the whole world seemed lighter. I'd been dreading his reaction & it was as I'd thought, shouting, accusations, terrible words etc but I was so relieved I honestly didn't care, I knew what he said would never touch me again & it hasn't. He hasn't paid me for over a year as he lost his job so I went to the CSA & that's still in motion, he sees the boys once every couple of months as he doesn't have the cash to make the journey more often & I don't drive at the min. I hope his family have found out the truth about him & regret their words to me about breaking the family up etc etc
So to anyone who is thinking of divorce or who has made up their mind that its the course to take, have faith in yourself. You know what is best for you & your children & you have a right to be happy. Yes its scary, yes it involves shouting & arguments & angry exH's but have you ever known anyone who's said 'that divorce was a mistake'. No, because we all know when something's broken & we have the courage to fix it. Too many ladies in the past have put up with selfish unbearable behaviour because they couldn't walk away. We can, we do have that choice & I'd say to anyone, try this, think about getting into bed with that man tonight & if you don't want to then there's something wrong. Be courageous & look it in the face & see it for what it is. Don't get to your deathbed & think I've wasted my life. Grab your life with both hands because its precious & get yours back like I did.
Sorry for the length I truly am, I didn't expect it to get this long :)
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Divorce/separation
To anyone who's considering a divorce
onetiredmummy · 24/05/2012 20:20
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