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Divorce/separation

To anyone who's considering a divorce

30 replies

onetiredmummy · 24/05/2012 20:20

Well I've been on here for the first time today reading some of the threads & I can feel the misery & pain coming out of them. So I thought I'd share some stuff from my own divorce a couple of years ago...

Firstly, well done to everyone who has been honest & looked into their hearts & knew that their marriage is over. That is a hard thing to do as it feels so much like a personal failure. Its also scary, its like a road that you've been travelling on a long time & suddenly there's a fork & on one side you can carry on like you have been doing & on the other side is an unknown path that you don't know where it will end. So it takes bravery to leave the well trodden path for the unknown.

I was married 12 years & had a house near Bristol which was lovely & on the surface we were doing great. My exH had a good job that earned him a lot of money, we had ds1 who is now 6 & I kept up the pretence to everyone that we were fine, lying to my own family as well as his. Like I said he earned a lot of money but I didn't see most of it as he started a cocaine addiction in the first 3 years of ds's life. I can't be sure when as he is also an alcoholic & after ds was born he spent every single night at the pub with his mates, only coming home once he knew ds was in bed. Poor little ds didn't see his dad from Saturday to Saturday & of course I was left totally with all the work. He did not once do a night feed, a bath, cook a dinner etc. He would occasionally take him out so I could have a rest but always took him to the pub so he could have a drink himself. I started finding the cocaine wrappers in his jeans pockets when I picked them off the floor to wash them & it was when he came in drunk one night & in the morning I found a packet of coke on the table where ds could easily have picked it up that I started to think about leaving. But I thought I could help him through it, he promised to stop & then I got pregnant with ds2. Once ds2 was born his behaviour didn't change & I was left with the total care of a newborn & a 3 year old while he carried on going out every night & snorting £s up his nose. When ds2 was 4 months old I asked him to change a nappy while I was getting ds1 to bed & he made a comment along the lines of 'if he was single he wouldn't have to do this. ' & at that second I knew my marriage was over & I hated him, I utterly despised him & I told him I was leaving him.

I moved back to warwickshire, left the house, my job, my friends, ds1 had started school 2 weeks before but I left it all & came back to my family. He stopped paying the mortgage so the house was repossessed so I rent at the min, there's a loan of £63k that I didn't know about secured on the house which I am liable for in full as is he & other debts. But do you know, I have never once regretted it. I found ds1 a new school & have been a SAHM since as I can't find a term time job so cash is tight but I haven't been this happy in over 12 years.

I'll never forget the relief that overcame me once I said the words, that I was leaving him. People talk about a weight off their shoulders but suddenly the whole world seemed lighter. I'd been dreading his reaction & it was as I'd thought, shouting, accusations, terrible words etc but I was so relieved I honestly didn't care, I knew what he said would never touch me again & it hasn't. He hasn't paid me for over a year as he lost his job so I went to the CSA & that's still in motion, he sees the boys once every couple of months as he doesn't have the cash to make the journey more often & I don't drive at the min. I hope his family have found out the truth about him & regret their words to me about breaking the family up etc etc

So to anyone who is thinking of divorce or who has made up their mind that its the course to take, have faith in yourself. You know what is best for you & your children & you have a right to be happy. Yes its scary, yes it involves shouting & arguments & angry exH's but have you ever known anyone who's said 'that divorce was a mistake'. No, because we all know when something's broken & we have the courage to fix it. Too many ladies in the past have put up with selfish unbearable behaviour because they couldn't walk away. We can, we do have that choice & I'd say to anyone, try this, think about getting into bed with that man tonight & if you don't want to then there's something wrong. Be courageous & look it in the face & see it for what it is. Don't get to your deathbed & think I've wasted my life. Grab your life with both hands because its precious & get yours back like I did.

Sorry for the length I truly am, I didn't expect it to get this long :)

OP posts:
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Movingout · 24/05/2012 22:21

I am inspired by your story. Today I have signed a tenancy agreement and I will be moving out of our lovely spacious home into a small flat with DS 1 17 and DS 2 12. All because I can no longer live with my selfish, controlling, bullying, alcoholic husband. Like you, we have lived a very affluent lifestyle and I am leaving it all behind in search of happiness and peace of mind. I am truly terrified, which is why your posting is so timely Smile

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reluctantmpvdriver · 25/05/2012 10:36

Thanks for your sharing your story one tired mummy. You have shown so much courage and it is so cheering to hear someone coming out the other end with so much joy. I like your statement - there is something wrong if you don't want to get in the same bed. I have not wanted to - and have not - for an entire year. Will think on that :)

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Movingout · 25/05/2012 10:47

6 years for me x

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reluctantmpvdriver · 25/05/2012 10:59

Why do we do this to ourselves Confused

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Movingout · 25/05/2012 23:08

Fear of the unknown path, but nothing changes until the pain of making a change is less painful than the pain of things remaining the same.

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daffydowndilly · 29/05/2012 10:15

Thank you for sharing your story, it is so good to read :-)

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summerinthesun · 29/05/2012 13:32

Thanks for your post. It has cheered me up a bit. I told DH that we were divorcing a month ago. I rented an expensive and grotty flat nearby and moved into that. But I only lasted a week and now I'm back living in the family home which is much more comfortable. He is refusing to admit the relationship is over and is trying really hard to convince me to give it another go. I won't, but I am floundering at the moment. We live overseas and I am stuck here by the law, and he is refusing to allow me and dc back to the UK. He wants us to continue living here at his convenience.

I've already spent £1000 on legal advice, and I still haven't even filed for divorce, mostly because I don't have to hand the documents I need to give to the lawyer.

He is going to make things as difficult as possible for me, and keeps on saying he loves me so much, but he will fight for sole custody of DC. For the record he is a terrible father, and would only do it to punish me. He wouldn't win, but I imagine he would end up costing me lots in legal fees.

The lawyer I'm going to use isn't on legal aid, but she's really aggressive and geared up for a huge fight, so I thought that would be worth the money!

I suppose all I would say is it has been the hardest month of my life. I felt ill for a week before I told him we were divorcing, we both felt ill for a week once I'd told him we were divorcing. My DC was physically ill for a week once we moved into the flat, which was a nightmare. His family and friends have been horrific, feeling it is their place to lecture me on breaking up a family. My new friends here have found it unbearably awkward, as I don't know them very well. My old friends in the uk don't even know what's happening as I have no time or energy to get in touch with them.

People find it so easy to say you should leave him when they hear of bad behaviour, but the reality of actually following their advice is so unbearably difficult.

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shouldigetout · 29/05/2012 22:19

Just wanted to lend you my support summer - getting out is damn difficult. I DH that I wanted out 3 weeks ago and since then have been feeling so guilty and sick and frightened of how it will all turn out. We have had 3 conversations since where he is trying to convince me to keep trying - but I don't think anything will change and I need to just do it - but at the same it takes such enormous levels of energy and it seems so much easier to accept the easy way (we rub along ok). I really admire those that come out the otherside.

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rhoobabble · 01/06/2012 01:53

THANKYOU. That could have been written for me! It is helping me reassess priorities.

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RedHelenB · 03/06/2012 19:33

If you didn't sign for a loan & know nothing about it then you're not liable.

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corblimeymadam · 16/06/2012 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Movingout · 16/06/2012 09:44

Belgianbum, it will take all of your strength and energy, but I would so strongly advise that you start while the children are young. I left it for too long. We didn't rub along, he drinks and abuses. Now that I have found somewhere to live and he know's I mean business, he has told 12 year that if he doesn't stay with him he will kill himself, the child is so upset that it has now become a child protection issue. We have left a big house for a small flat, but as son is so worried about his dad I still have to spend most nights in the house to protect my son, stbxh is always drunk so not safe to look after child, but even more abusive when I'm there, feel like I'm in a no win situation. Next step is an emergency residency order. Just to make matters even worse, he has cleared the house of all furniture so we are sitting on cushions on the floor of the flat and I so wanted to make it feel cosy, full of their old belongings. If this ever resolves itself I will never look at another man for as long as I live Sad

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Xenia · 16/06/2012 09:52

I am certainliy glad I divorced.

I suppose the difference for me was I never gave up work and earned 10x what their father did and kept our home and lifestyle (just) . So the message to teenager daughters might be to avoid the financial risks on the thread pick well paid work and never give it up when babies come so you are protected against these financial problems suffered by women on the thread reliant on male earnings for their lifestyle. We come back to feminism being right every time.

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DoingItForMyself · 16/06/2012 10:12

Thanks for the inspirational words OneTiredMummy.

MovingOut "Fear of the unknown path, but nothing changes until the pain of making a change is less painful than the pain of things remaining the same."

that is spot on.

Get your DS and yourself out of there as soon as humanly possible, your H sounds dangerous.

Please don't tar all men with the same brush though sweetheart. I only found the courage to call time on my situation (nowhere near as awful as yours) by spending time with a lovely SAHD who showed me that the way my H was is not just "how men are" - that men are equally capable of being kind, generous and loving to their DCs, interested in talking and sensitive.

I would never have relationship with this man, but he gave me the strength to see that not everyone is as bad as my H (despite how it may appear from the relationships section of MN!) and I didn't have to put up with it.

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corblimeymadam · 16/06/2012 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

corblimeymadam · 16/06/2012 17:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xenia · 16/06/2012 21:35

Some can. If you earn 10x your husband as I did then youc an (just) afford to keep the chidlren in the same schools and house and children above all want continuity. Many parents on divorce particularly where they are trying to do it nicely bend over backwards to keep the childlren in their house and same schools as the least they can do for the children.

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Soila · 17/06/2012 08:12

Thanks for your post onetiredmummy. Thank you for sharing your story and to all the other mummies too.

Divorce is hard, very hard at times, but in the end it can all be worth it.

I've been through divorce, twice, so very familiar with the pain, hurt, shame and resentment that comes with it all. But all those emotions do fade away but only if you allow them too.

"Be courageous & look it in the face & see it for what it is. Don't get to your deathbed & think I've wasted my life. Grab your life with both hands because its precious & get yours back like I did." onetiredmummy

Super advice.

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ballstoit · 17/06/2012 08:34

Xenia Some of us wouldn't swap the time at home bringing up our children, for all the cash in the world.

DC and I are currently in a rented house, with no savings and I am in the process of returning to work now youngest DC is at school. I don't regret that choice, nor do I regret the years being married to ex. I wouldn't be the person I am if I hadn't lived the life I had.

I thought feminism was about fighting for women to have the freedom to make their own choices...not being critical of other women whose choices differ from your own Confused

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Xenia · 17/06/2012 09:12

I am just saying when lots of women moan about having no money and they have no money because they didnt' work hard, gave up good careers and made bad choices then we can say well let's learn a lesson here - ensure your daughter becomes a surgeon or actuary rather than pushing her towards the call centre/care home jobs. I am not saying men and women regret their decisions however. Plenty of house husbands are more than happy to obtain large divorce settlements from wives. You coudl say even though I didbn't have ah ouse husband that I made the wrong choice in working because all that meant was that I had to pay out a lot to the children's father on divorce. Had I stayed at home not doing much for 18 years then it could have been different. be idle and financially benefit might be one way of looking at it although it's not my way.

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DoingItForMyself · 17/06/2012 09:21

they have no money because they didnt' work hard

Had I stayed at home not doing much for 18 years...

be idle and financially benefit

Biscuit for Xenia from every SAHM out there.

Bitter at missing out on your DCs growing up much?!

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EllenJaneisnotmyname · 17/06/2012 13:30

Xenia, why so bitter? I became a SAHM and looked after my DC while my ex rose in his career. I am feeling the financial pain of it now, true, but I'd do the same again. My DC needed me, especially my DS2, who is autistic. Money isn't everything.

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Xenia · 17/06/2012 13:37

No, I'm very happy. I do think though that women don't think about the financial consequences enough nor do their husbands (as to what happens on adivorce ) if they stop work and threads like this hammer the point home, economic dependence on men doesn't tend to pay dividends later and can make life more complicated on divorce.

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DoingItForMyself · 17/06/2012 13:46

No-one is disputing that women being financially secure by continuing to earn outside the home is a good thing.

Unfortunately not everyone finds themselves in a position to be able to earn a 'surgeon or actuary' salary. Some of us will for one reason or another end up in less well-paid jobs, which in turn become unsustainable once childcare is taken into account.

Some of us have Hs who work strange shifts and cannot play any useful part in running the home and parenting the DCs which would be impossible to fit around a full time demanding job with shifts of its own.

There are many reasons why SAHMs end up without money of their own. I inherited a large sum of money, only for my feckless DH to bin his job and swan around spending it for a year. We lost money on property by buying a lemon and needing to sell at a bad time. The remainder of my inheritance is now tied up in my home.

Why the disparaging remarks about not working hard, being idle etc.? Do you honestly believe that SAHMs are all those things?

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ballstoit · 17/06/2012 21:44

Xenia, the only one who is either moaning or making mysoginistic comments on this thread is you. What a charming way to support other women who are clearly going through or have been through a hard time.

Op, thanks for your thread and the sentiments behind it. It's lovely to read threads supporting women who are having to make tough choices for themselves and their children.

I have no regrets about my divorce, or the position I'm in now. There is no cash or property which would appeal to me more than the happy, secure children I am lucky enough to have. I believe that my being at home during their early years has led to them being secure enough to deal with the fallout from my divorce from their father.

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