Is this taking too long?

[MyLittleMiracle]

Please dont out me if you know who i am as i have made a permanent name change.

It has now been almost 6 weeks since i went to my solicitor, after receiving a letter from exh's solicitor in regards to contact and a divorce.

I have now heard nothing and nor has my solicitor last time i spoke with them. They assured me as soon as they do they will notify me. What do i do now? If he hasnt lodged a petition for divorce anywhere, can i still just divorce him, cos the letter only said that basically he wanted a divorce and they would be addressing the question of one..... then onto contact issues.

Should it take 6 weeks for one letter to get to another solicitor, be dealt with and still not be back?> He doesnt work so has no excuse about couldnt fit a solicitors appointment in etc.

[5babyangels]

Hello, I got divorced 7 years ago and can't remember exactly how it all went through timescale wise. I think I made the petition in january and we were divorced by the autumn. If he hasn't petioned you on any grounds then you are free to petition him. The petitioner always foots the bill though for filing the grounds. I don't know your situation but if the grounds are adultery or unreasonable behaviour then the whole divorce can go through very quickly. Letters always take ages going backwards and forwards. If he doesn't work it may be that he can't afford to petition you? I have no idea of the costs currently though. Sorry if not much help just didn't want you to think you were on your own. Divorce is so very difficult. You might be asked to do mediation where you discuss contact issues. I think it's where you both outline an agreement called arrangements for children. Solicitors recommend you do this as it costs far less than them.

[MyLittleMiracle]

We both get legal aid fortunately, so there really is no excuse that i see. His solicitor wrote in the letter that he will not seek costs against me provided i allow the divorce to porceed un defended! Still waiting. Doesnt seem desperate for contact obviously

[5babyangels]

oh dear! Has he not seen the children much? You could ask to have something outlined in writing for the interim period until you are both divorced. In the very early days of seperating we had a very firm arrangement, that went 5pm saturday- 5pm sunday every week. Our children were very young and I felt that waiting 2 weeks to see their dad was too long and he would miss too much. When the divorce was finalised we both became more flexible. Try and see if you can come up with some firm dates so you get soem time to yourself and get him to agree in writing. If he doesn't respond to letters then get his solicitor to summon him to mediation.

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

How are you managing for money? Do you have access to any? Are your DC quite young? It's really a shame that he's not pushing for some regular contact, it would be good for them and you, eventually.

[MyLittleMiracle]

We have 1 ds who is just over a year and a half. He hasnt seen him since , but i assumed that as he went to the solicitor he would be pushing for it. The solicitors letter seemed very insistent that it was in the child best intrest to have contact with "their client", still heard nothing.

I am getting benefits at the moment and living with mum, until (hopefully) the council can house me but still waiting on that too. Mediation really isnt the way to go.... contact has to go through a contact centre for a very firm reason and he isnt to have my new address for a good reason too.

Is it SUPPOSED to take this long?

[EllenJaneisnotmyname]

Don't know, lovely. Anything through solicitors seems to take ages. Moving house always seems to drag on. Perhaps in your case contact isn't so important. Your little one will have forgotten him soon. Hope living with your mum isn't too stressful!

[purplewithred]

It sounds like he's done nothing other than instruct solicitor to send the initial letter. If he is not doing anything there's no reason why you can't instruct your solicitor to get on with you divorcing him, as far as I know.

[MyLittleMiracle]

Thank you everyone, living with mum is cramped and i have very little independence, but i am getting some debts paid off and hopefully the council will help me find somewhere to live! Love my mum very much and she is amazing, but i need to have my own space!

[5babyangels]

i honestly get how hard it can be, i had to leave our house we owned together and basically do a flit with the children to my parents house leaving everything behind. It did all get sorted out in the end but at the time it feels like forever. I don't know anyone whos managed to keep amicable in these situations as lets face it if you could agree then you would still be together. My parents were fab and I honestly wouldn't have been as strong without them. They nurtured me when I most needed it. It sounds like your mum is doing the same. You will get your life back on track just stay string for your children and one day you'll wake up with it all behind you and a positive future ahead :))

[MyLittleMiracle]

Thank you, and mum is doing everything she can, she isnt interfering or prying, she lets me tell her things in my own time and gives me space. I just want to know where i am going and what i am doing. Should find out about housing on or before monday, so fingers crossed they say yes, but he has been an arse, and given his keys into the council and say he doesnt plan on returning there. Which is most probably lies, and he seems to want to know where i am....i think not! He knows at the moment but would never do anything in front of anyone else, so i feel safe, but there all on my own....i would be walking on eggshells and a nervous wreck!

[5babyangels]

yes been there my lovely! Stay strong. Mostly it is just to frighten you. My exHusband was very controlling and he convinced me i was going insane. Try and keep as calm as you can. It is on it's way to getting sorted out. These things always take longer than we'd all like

[MyLittleMiracle]

It definetly is about control, i know that, just its like they want me to PROVE THAT! God damned hard work, by monday i should know, but may need to go to appeal, hopefully they will just say, okay we didnt have the evidence first time (asking for a review atm), and say okay, we now have evidence, we will house you!

Think as soon as i am on the housing list i will speak to my solicitor about pushing the divorce.

[5babyangels]

well although it's not fair on you, you do have to prove it. It's so very hard though...grounds have to be supported by evidence. It's very hard when day in day out you've lived with manipulation and control. I found it very hard to pinpoint specifics to be sighted in the divorce as actually he was so cruel for a lot of my marriage. In the end i got there with it in diary fashion and it he didn't contest it. However knowing how he was a complete control freak, they still made me do mediation with him. I had to prove that would also fail. it did fail but i had to prove he was beyond rational negociation. The housing situ as a whole different situation. However my guess is they will need similar evidence. It's horendous having to keep telling everyone the ins and outs of your relationship, just to get what you are entitled to. I had a very heated discussion with a housing benefit officer who asked if i had made myself intentionally homeless and also asked if i really needed to leave him. I know another of my friends was asked the same question. The answer is absolutely yes i did have to leave. Do they really have the right to ask such questions? Not sure? But at times like these apparently you are public property.

[MyLittleMiracle]

Well on the old grounds for divorce, he is divorcing me so there is no problem. I dont see there is any reason for mediation. We have no money or property to split, so there are no problems there. Dont see what finances there are to sort out. I have about 200pounds which i have saved since we seperated, and is in a cash box now. Which i planned not to mention and any way i have now spent it, on various things ready.

The council are doing the same to me, they have now accepted there was domestic violence and abuse, but say cos he has said he doesnt intend on returning to the property its safe for me to be there....alone, and vunerable, with him knowing where i am and that i am alone. He knows where i am at the moment but he would never come here, or do anything in front of anyone, so i feel safe, i have my mum, who is supportingme emotionally, and as much as i love her and appreciate her, the living arrangements are not ideal, and i know i may wait 6months or more to be housed, once on the waiting list, shelters housing solicitors are pushing it,

It is so bloody unfair, its like they are trying totest my resolve, i suppose maybe they are testing me, thinking about it, if i am really that worried about going back i wouldnt, and i havent. I have lost everything, just had a few clothes to start with, but now thanks to friends and family down here,i am managing to build my thigns up. The laptop i am on is my own, given to me as a christmas gift, cos the person who gave it to me had bought a new one.

Feeling stressed and strangely a little sad today.

[5babyangels]

Of course you feel sad that's very normal. Even if it was the right thing to leave doesn't make it an easy decision. There will be days you feel like fighting the fight and others you just want to hide under the duvet and dissappear. As time goes by the fighting days become more and the duvet days beccome less
I had to leave our home that we owned as he wouldn't let me stay. I didn't feel safe either, so I rented privately and had the HB nightmare instead. However what really got on my wick was that after a couple of weeks he didn't live there either. Everything was earily as I had left it. I went back about 6 weeks after when I knew he wouldn't be there and the flowers I had been brought for my birthday were as I had left them dead in a vase. The house stood empty for nearly 6 months before it was sold and he let it go to rack and ruin. He had moved in with his new girlfriend. All my furniture, white goods, the kids clothes, crockery all left unused. I was in a sqaulid flat, with all children in one room, borrowed furniture etc. I mentioned it to my solicitor and he said off the record the house was mine and everything in it belonged to me. So baring in mind he had left it unused and me and the children had been poverty stricken, no maintanence, borrowed heftily to keep afloat. Absolutely no way i could have afforded to furnish a whole house, so knowing i was within my rights, one night i knew he wouldn't be there I hired a luton went in and took everything. Leaving him with the bed he'd had more women on, than satan. If only I could have been a fly on the wall when he had returned. A very good friend of mine did the same thing and she hadn't been married. She left him with one cup, one, knife, folk and spoon. It was for me and the chiuldren. I can't think the law has changed so very much. You could be entitled to the whole contents. After all how on earth are you to manage??? Get brave. You'll be ok.

[MyLittleMiracle]

I'll have to manage cos lets face it the cost of hiring a van, petrol and getting up there, for a leaky fridge freezer, a broken weashing machine, an on its last legs cooker and a bed isnt worth it. You can get a community care grant and thats what i am going to have to do and get a budgeting loan, to help pay for everything. I have bought quite a lot of the small things etc ready, but the big things are just impossible.

Thank you for your sympathy. x

[5babyangels]

Yes i know they are. It feels like the impossible task, I'm sure! I agree if there isn't much to take then clearly not worth it. I have only just replaced some of the things i took. Can you believe the washing machine has lasted 9 years and is still going! Well then it will have to be ebay and freecycle oh and friday ad! U can get some great bargains that way. i put my old leather sofa on ebay and it sold for £10. It would have been easier to bash it up and take to the tip but it went to a young couple just starting out, so i was pleased. When my DH's parents divorced he went to see his dad who had to boil him an egg in a kettle. (a memory that sticks with him now very vividly but he loved his dad so much he really didn't care). You will get sorted in the end. What's the most important thing is you are safe and not scared any more and you bring your children up in a nurturing and loving environment. If you all have to take it in turns to sit on one chair then so be it....for all the pitfalls there are sooo many positives. My 13 year old son, very occasionally has a flash back to dark times between his dad and me, but overall he is a very confident outgoing, popular lad. The shy timid little mouse has grown on and i know i did the right thing...even if we struggled for several years. I and my children are far happier people today because i left him. There is so much more life to live and this is just the beginning of your new life!

[MyLittleMiracle]

I know i will have to start with practically nothing, but i will be building a home for me and my little one, and we will eventually have somewhere nice to live and at least its a SAFE and stable environment for him to grow up in!

[5babyangels]

Exactly!!! That's a far better gift than anything else. I wish you all the luck in the world. You seem to be a very determined mum and even if at the beginning you don't have very much you will have each other. Just remember there will be several hoops you have to jump through, rightly or wrongly, but it's all for the greater good! You'll get there x

[MyLittleMiracle]

Thankyou, and you know what if there are hoops i have to jump through, i will even jump through them backwards and throw a somersault in for good measure, and i have done everything in mypower to get the evidence needed to prove domestic violence, which oh yes they now say okay he was violent, but nah its okay he says he wont return, so now having to prove its unreasonable for me to return on emotional/mental health grounds! AHHHHH. Find out tomorrow or monday what will happen. FINGERS CROSSED. X

[5babyangels]

i have all fingers and toes crossed for you...let me know how it goes :)

[MyLittleMiracle]

Thank you, i will! Maybe i will hear monday, going to recount the dates, they had 45 days from 6th Jan to re decide!

[5babyangels]

Hello, how r u doing? Did u hear anything positive yet?

[MyLittleMiracle]

Nothing from god damned housing emailed claire today, but still nothing back. So waiting.

On the upside i saw my solicitor yesterday and all is well. I am going to mediation, and we can have it seperately and even on different days! He had to request mediation to get legal aid, and was obviously assuming that i would say a straight no, but thanks to you lovely people, i havent, so its likely to string it out a bit longer, and he will have to travel here, because my solicitor is doing the referral thingy for mediation, in my area. And then writing back to his solicitors, forms are already done, as are the ones for the contact centre, which is free...very happy. Opens every other saturday for 2 to 3 hours. Close to me, and easily accessable by buses.

And as for the divorce...it would appear he hasnt even petitioned one....SO I AM! Just waiting to get the draft of it through, and if he doesnt respond within 14 days with it signed, i can go to court without it being signed. Oh dear, not quite so in control as he thought.

It took 6 WEEKS for him to get back to me and the reasons the solicitor gave was because "our client has attempted to contact us, but unfortuantely we have been unavailable at the time", so for 6 weeks, the solicitor hasnt been able to speak to him?? That is a load of rubbish!

[5babyangels]

Go girl! That's the fighting spirit! Don't worry about mediation it's just a hoop to jump through, a box to tick and a formality! I had same thing over grounds, he said he was going to petition and in fact it was just to scare me. Make sure u get your petition in, you'll feel so much better if u r the petitioner. Well done xx