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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

When is harassment harrasment?

29 replies

K0404 · 10/02/2012 10:29

I've recently split with my lo's father after putting up with months of him lying, and bullying me into sex etc. I found myself so worried about him coming home one day that I plucked up the courage to leave. He's finding it very difficult to cope with. He is phones me everyday telling how he's going to change and we need too try again etc. I kept telling him that the months of bullying (into sex) and telling me I've got something wrong with me cos I dont want it basically everything he did that upset me lying,seeking attention from other girls, and having sexual conversations with other girls etc was my fault cos I wasn't having sex with him and that I'm stupid for being upset. All these things have just worn me down over the months and my feelings have changed for him. I don't love him. I resent him for having sex with me when he knew I didn't want it I resent him for not listening to how Hurt I was. I just don't love him anymore cos of all that's happened. Now I've left he wants to change and go counselling (i was suggestting this months ago but he refused) and phones me everyday begging me to come back and I'm over reacting for leaving. These phone calls ate every day. I've made it clear how I feel but still four weeks on he's still calling everyday persuading and telling me to come home. I'm upset everyday cos of these nasty hostile phone calls and get anxious when the phone rings cos the conversation always turns nasty cos i wont do what he wants I've told him ifhe's going to keep calling And being nasty then I'll change my number and we'll only be able to talk through email. Ive got it in to my head that I'm over reacting cos that's what he drummed into me. Am I ? Has anyone else gone through anything similar ? Help :(

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 10/02/2012 10:32

You are not over-reacting. Change your number and don't give him the new one.

K0404 · 10/02/2012 11:00

Very reassuring to hear that thank you

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 10/02/2012 11:05

He's spent months raping you (because that's what it's called when you have sex you don't want) and systematically wearing you down. You still found the strength to leave; I salute you. It might be worth approaching the local police, a word from them might make him back off.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 10/02/2012 11:06

It might also be worth contacting Women's Aid.

K0404 · 10/02/2012 11:46

It's so strange. Some how he's ingrained into me that it wasn't abuse cos I didn't physically push him off (i did have ti on 2/3 occasions)he says I said no but still did it do it's not abuse and if he hadn't have hounded me for it we'd have gone weeks without it and thats not normal for a couple. Do I'm not going mad then? Think god!

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K0404 · 10/02/2012 11:46

I don't know much about woman's aid what do they do ?

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 10/02/2012 11:57

Women's Aid. It doesn't sound as if you need refuge, but counselling will help you understand what domestic abuse is, in all of it's many forms. It doesn't have to be physical.

You're not going mad. What's normal for a couple is to have consensual sex, where both people want to do it, even if there are weeks and weeks when you don't. If he wants sex and you don't, that 's what his right hand is for.

Sounds like he's been gaslighting you too.

K0404 · 10/02/2012 12:42

Wow thank you! I never even knew that existed! I think I do need to understand abuse a bit more to stop doubting myself. Thank you for that link. Is it possible for the perpetrator to believe that he hasn't done anything wrong ? Some days he admits it and says sorry now draw a line through it and move on (easy for him to say!) other days he completely denies it and says it wasnt as bad as I'm making out and I need to get over it! He changes his view/argument ALL the time.

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K0404 · 10/02/2012 12:42

I'm so gretfull for you comments

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 10/02/2012 12:59

Please read this book.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, otherwise he would have left you after the very first incident, and sought counselling/anger management. He would not be denying your experience. Do not attempt couples counselling with him, it doesn't work and would give him ammunition to use against you.

You've been strong enough to leave him, never look back.

swallowedAfly · 10/02/2012 13:05

you don't have to talk to him and you have every right to say it is over and be left alone. you choose where your boundaries go now - he's disrespected them for long enough in all ways by the sounds of it. now you are out and you can decide and enforce what you do and don't want and are willing to accept in your life.

you are free to change your number and request he only contacts you by email to discuss contact and concerns relating to your dc.

well done for finding the strength to leave. now you've just got to rebuild your sense of the right to have boundaries and not be pushed around.

K0404 · 10/02/2012 15:03

I'm overwhelmed by your support guys. Thank you. Its really helping me to understand what's going on. I'll have a look for that book.

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K0404 · 10/02/2012 15:04

Can't seen to open link to book

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 10/02/2012 15:17

Ah, sorry. Google "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. It's an invaluable resource.

K0404 · 10/02/2012 15:20

Ok will do thank you x

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CailinDana · 10/02/2012 15:28

In a normal, loving couple you should be able to say no to sex at any time and your partner should always always respect that. My DH would never ever have sex with me if he felt I wasn't into it, in fact at times he's asked of his own accord if I wanted to stop because I was tired and didn't seem enthusiastic (even though I was). Being in a relationship doesn't give anyone the right to have sex whenever they want it, and a lot of couples go for months or years without sex for various reasons. Over time a lack of sex can become an issue but in that case loving couples talk about it, perhaps seek counselling or do other things to get the spark back, they don't just bully the other partner into giving them what they want.

I'm sorry to say it but what he did to you was rape. You didn't want the sex but felt forced into it due to his bullying. You should never ever be alone with this person again, in fact I think you should report him to the police.

K0404 · 10/02/2012 16:08

Now I am realising what has actually happened ! Not sure if I've mentioned that the reason I started to not want sex was cos id had a baby and from 4 weeks after having baby i was always persuaded/bullied or pressurised into sex I can't remember a time when I said no and he didn't reply with ok well let's just do this and suggest another sexual act or keep asking over and over untill I did. At first I didn't want sex due to being soooo tired with new baby and 24 hour feeding and getting the hang of breast feeding then I found out he'd been chatting with other girls about me and how I didn't want sex and he was getting fed up of it and then other conversations between him and this girl 'friend' and how he couldn't handle her in bed and stuff, which obviously didn't help me want to have sex and the whole thing just got worse!

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CailinDana · 10/02/2012 16:11

K0404 - you don't need any excuse to not want sex. You seem to be trying to justify it. It's perfectly ok to say you don't want it - your partner should just say "Ok" give you a kiss and a hug and go to sleep. Bullying is not acceptable no matter what the circumstances. He is a complete and utter creep who doesn't respect you at all.

K0404 · 10/02/2012 18:23

You're do right ! No more no way !

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K0404 · 11/02/2012 10:37

So after making it very clear to him that he is only to talk to me via text or email he called me last night (I didn't answer) and proceeded to text me quizzing me about a letter he'd found in my draw whilst looking for something, it was an old one about me working in Kensington once and how I didn't tell him thus was nearly ten years ago! I can't even remember who the letter is from ! I have no idea what he's playing at !

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K0404 · 11/02/2012 11:15

I think I'm going to have to change my number but then I'd worry about him not having my number when he has our son

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OldLadyKnowsNothing · 11/02/2012 14:38

Well done for not answering his call. Now, nip down to Tesco (or wherever) and buy yourself a cheap, basic pay-as-you-go handset. Tell him this is your new number. Only switch it on when he has your dc. Ignore any attempt to contact you on your "real" phone; some phones (Samsung for example) will let you block calls/texts from set numbers.

He's trying to reassert control over you. You're doing a good job of not letting him.

K0404 · 11/02/2012 17:26

So you mean agree a day and time for him to have lo then only use the new number for when he has lo?

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swallowedAfly · 11/02/2012 17:37

could do. you could also say that you will be logging all calls and texts from now on so that if he continues to disrespect your boundaries you can contact the police with a log of his harassment.

Jux · 11/02/2012 17:39

Well done for getting out. He's been raping you for ages, knows perfectly well that he has, and that's why he says it's not so bad - because then he doesn't have to face what he is, which is a rapist.

Likewise, he doesn't have to think about what an insensitive, selfish bastard he is. He is still seeing you as thing. He isn't paying attention to your request for him to stop phoning. If he can tell himself that he has done nothing wrong, that it wasn't as bad as that, then he can carry on thinking of himself as being right, reasonable and hard-done-by.

You are being harassed, as he has harassed you since your baby was born (if not before).

Women's Aid. As soon as you can.

Hold your head up, and be proud of yourself. You've done something which is incredibly hard, you've got yourself away from your abuser.

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