Husband has just left; need some answers to a few 'legal' questions

[NewlySingleAt53]

My husband of over 20 years left home 3 weeks ago (he is currently staying with his mother) and says he isn?t coming back (and that he doesn?t love me any more).

He did the same thing back in 2003, but quickly had a minor breakdown and came home. After a further few months he left again but we did get back together within a couple of weeks. The kids were very young then and I don?t regret trying again but I always said that if he ever left again I wouldn?t fight to keep the family together. He has been on tablets for stress/depression ever since, and increasingly difficult to live with.

I have become gradually more unhappy with his behaviour, both towards me and the children (now both teenagers 15 and 17), over the last few months and felt I was becoming depressed myself. I told him this on the Monday and got home from work on the Tuesday to find a note to say he couldn?t cope with the arguments and atmosphere any longer and he was removing himself from the situation.

Ironically we don?t actually argue that much ? I walk on egg shells most of the time, and all is fine providing I put up with him not lifting a finger round the house to help, and don?t mention it. Every so often I have a bit of an off day and ?go on? ? then he can?t deal with it and either storms out or sulks. He can?t/won?t cope with the normal ?banter? teenagers have and often explodes. He takes even the slightest ?criticism? (e.g. ?Couldn?t someone have started tea?? (when I am home late due to doing the weekly shop) as the end of the world, and sees that as an argument.

I?m not actually sure I want him back - since he?s been away it has been so much more peaceful and the kids and I have actually been able to relax and be ourselves. However I want to stay amicable and am not ruling out us getting back together so am being pleasant and helpful when I speak to him.

I am trying not to think too much about the future (having to sell our lovely house, growing old on my own, etc.) and am keeping quite strong at the moment, but have a few questions which I hope someone can give me some guidance on:

1. If he changes his mind and wants to come back (i.e. try again) but I don?t want him to, or if he doesn?t want to try again but just wants to live as separate people in our house, where do I stand - can he insist he lives here?
   
   
2. Whilst he is still paying towards the house running costs (our mortgage is paid) can he just come in and out as he pleases?
   
   
3. Can he take things from the house without asking?
   
   
4. If we stay apart, when can he make me sell the house?
   
   
5. How much does he have to contribute to our running/living costs?
   
   
6. I have earned more than him most of our married lives but not for the last 3 years. I put a lot of money (voluntary redundancy sum, pension lump sum, money inherited from my mum) into a large house extension a couple of years ago ? would this be reflected in the split?
   
   
7. I have a bit more money left to me by my mum ? would he be entitled to half/some of this?
   
   
8. What about pension - we have made extra contributions to his pension, what about me ? what will I live on?
   
   Thanks for reading, sorry it is a bit long! ? hope someone can help with at least some of these, perhaps from your own experience, etc.

[SucksToBeMe]

You sound lovely OP, and to be honest, You sound almost relieved! I can't help you much with the legalities i'm afraid but i'm a single mum and i have never been happier. Hope it all works out.

[Secondwife]

I'm not a solicitor but from my own divorce, he has to continue to pay towards the house's upkeep if he wishes to maintain a financial interest in it.

With regards maintenance for the children, given that they are almost out of education he wouldn't need to pay maintenance for very long. It's worked out under the CSA system as 15% of his net wages for the first child, and another 5% for every subsequent child.

Once the children are out of education and deemed adults themselves that is the point where I believe he came force the sale of the family home.

Not sure about spousal maintenance though, each case seems to vary greatly.

[NewlySingleAt53]

Thank you both for your replies. I have had a bad week this week, very emotional and sad. I discovered I can get free legal advice (through my Union membership), so got all my questions answered (most answers as I expected, but not what I wanted to hear, unfortunately).

[AppleShaped]

I hope that he is not entitled to any of the money your mother left you?

[NewlySingleAt53]

For info, these are the answers I got:

1. Yes, as the house is in joint names.
   
2. Yes, as above.
   
3. Yes, but if he takes jointly owned property I can ask these to be taken into account when the finances are worked out.
   
4. He can ask for it to be sold when he wants (doesn't have to be until after the children are 18, out of full time education, etc.)
   
5. Answer by Secondwife was confirmed by legal person.
   
6. I can ask for this to be taken into account when house/money split or we can draw up our own agreement.
   
7. Possibly, but as above.
   
8. Can negotiate on this, extra contributions would be taken into account, etc.
   

We are both staying amicable at the moment and I hope that whatever happens we can sort this out fairly ourselves, rather than having to get strangers to decide, but we'll see. It's good to know the legal situation (there's a lot of advice given which can be mistaken, e.g. 'he can't make you sell the house until the kids are both out of full-time education' - not true, he can ask for a selling order; 'change the locks' - this would be illegal as he still owns the house, etc., etc.

Had a better few days, feeling much stronger again.

Thanks for replies!

[jrobjmc]

Hi, good to see your questions and findings.
I am in exactly the same position as you, married 20 years, 2 kids 18 (full time education) + 14, husband left 3 weeks ago.
Trying to be strong, good days and very bad days :( and not really facing up to financial position. The more I hear the less I like the situation.
I am in a union so I might see if I can get some free legal advice too.

[jrobjmc]

Thanks, I have found out from my union website that I can get some free legal advice. Thanks for that tip it is a good place to start.

Our situation is very similar, I too have been the main wage earner for the time we have been together, and have built a good pension up, however have been told since that if our differences do not get resolved that he may been entitled to half of the pension .

[NewlySingleAt53]

Hi jrobjmc

The lady I spoke to was very helpful and she said I can ask for her again if I call back. I just needed to provide my Union membership number.

I spoke to my husband yesterday and he says he doesn't want to force me out of the house. At the moment the financial situation hasn't changed in that our salaries are still going into the joint account with all the house costs coming out of that. I don't see how that can last though, once he needs money to get a place of his own. It seems such a waste to run two households when we had just become financially comfortable, the extra money needed to double up on everything could be spent on helping the kids with cars, through Uni, etc.

It's very scary and hurtful, isn't it? - I started off very strong for the first two weeks, then was really bad the third. Today is my 4 week desertion anniversary, but thankfully I feel better this week. I'm trying not to worry too much about the future, and just take one day at a time.

Do you think your husband may have someone else? I'm sure mine hasn't, I just think he can't cope with family life. The kids are very cross with him at the moment (he left without warning), but I find myself fighting his corner and telling them he is still ill. I don't want them to end up losing the relationship they had with him, but they are old enough to make up their own minds.

I am still partly hopeful he may come back, but not absolutely sure I really want him to! - as one person said, I am relieved not to have to pussyfoot around him, but sad that my future may be so different from what I had assumed.

I do hope things turn out OK for you, remember - one day at a time.

[jrobjmc]

hi,

Thanks for your kind words, and I too hope things work out for you too.

My hubby did have a fling with another "lady", but not a full blown affair (do i believe him - sadly yes!) It finished when I found out about it in early dec, however he seems to be running away from facing people after it became a little too public.

Maybe I am a complete fool but after being together for 22+ years and having a happy marriage until this happened, I would like to think we may be able to work things out...

He moved out on the 12/1 and opened his own bank account for his wages and after the initial setup costs have been paid he must now live on that.
I am living on my wages with the kids. The joint account stays untouched at the mo.
I too thought I had a secure, confortable future, helping out the kids in the ways you mentioned. The thought of having to sell and split the house proceeds and then provide for the three of us frightens me as I will probably have to take a mortgage out - not the right age to be doing so.

Apart from dealing with the financial worries, feeling hurt, humiliated and lonely, but at least I have the kids!

[RedHelenB]

Mostly you will be abke to live in the family home when you have children though, particularly if the other spouse is housed. Marital assets start at a 50/50 basis regardless of who earned/inherited what but can vary due to things like being the childrens main carer, disabilities etc.