What can I/should I do about this?

[destinyorfate]

Want to divorce my (emotionally, verbally, mentally and financially abusive) 'D'H but have no money for solicitor (dont qualify for LA) and am afraid basically, of living with him for the duration of the divorce.

He has frozen our joint bank account so I am forced to work to support myself, and on occasions, my (adult) children. I am paying for food and cleaning for the home. (Other bills still are met from the joint account but he has threatened to cut off the utilities, as these are in his name and I cant afford to pay them myself).

He is living off his private pension and has hardly been home for the past week, I do not know where he is or who he is with, he has virtually moved out.

Also, we are fast approaching the point where we cannot afford to stay in the property and it needs to be sold. However, he has done no jobs for years and it is cluttered and needs decorating.

This is just going round and round in my head. I just dont know where to start. I dont know how I can make it marketable. I have nowhere to put the clutter, it isnt stuff that can just be thrown away and neither can I afford to put it into storage. I reckon the state of the place has reduced the price by approaching £20 k....

I am afaid of repurcussions if I try to start divorce proceedings but I cant carry on like this much longer. I cant sleep for worry.

I dont know what I am expecting from posting this, maybe I just cant see the wood from the trees and someone with more experience can suggest something that I have failed to see.

[LeoTheLateBloomer]

Firstly, I'm sorry you're in this position.

I'm by no means an expert but this is what I'd do:
Go to the CAB. They'll give you free advice and make clear what your options are. Are there any shelters in your area that might be able to take you in short term?

Someone I know took out a sort of court order to prevent her XH from abusing her while they were forced to still live under the same roof. He was horrendous throughout their marriage but it seemed to work and she was safe until she was able to move out. Some family solicitors offer free initial consultations which might be worth trying to get that kind of advice.

Sorry I can't be more helpful. Good luck.

[Movingout]

I recall reading a message that you posted a couple of months ago and thinking how similar your situation was to my own. I'm not sure I can offer much advice, but it does sound like the solution would be to sell your house. You may find a solicitor that would wait until the house sells before you need to pay. If he's refusing to pay utility bills a solicitor could force him to sell the house. I was in this position a few months ago, but by paying my salary into a separare bank account I can now atleast pay bills (although not mortgage).

Perhaps him spending more time away from home could be the start of a new beginning for you. Have you applied for tax credits? You say you are paying for house cleaning, could you do this yourself and put the money towards bills.

I'm not really best placed to offer advice, I'm in such a mess myself, but as the old saying goes 'misery loves company'. So it may help to know that you are not alone, the thing that keeps me most sane are my friends, do you have somebody you could confide in? The answer is to be pro-active, I'm not, but know that I should be. Keep posting I have found the support I have received on this forum very helpful x

[oreocrumbs]

Have you spoken to your bank about the joint account being frozen? I'm plucking this out of my head but I'm sure I read on a thread here that when someones DH froze the bank account they spoke to the bank and the bank froze it so neither of them can use it untill the situation was resolved. That might not be true, but surely with a joint bamk account you both have an equal say and control of it?

Do your adult children know what is going on? I know you probably don't want to burden them but you will be surprised just how much support they can give you, including a roof over your head if you need it. Do you earn enough to rent a small flat in your area? Another option would be to physically remove yourself the situation, and then deal with it.

Also in regards to decluttering the house, just get rid, I imagine there are alot of things that are precious but also alot that when you start going through them may be theraputic to throw away (things linked to your marriage).

First step though contact a solicitor and ask for the free meeting and use that to ask your options and the various costs. Forewarned is fore armed etc.

[oreocrumbs]

And it may not be the 'right' thing to do, but if your bank will allow you access to the joint account, personally I would empty it. If that would be enough to get you out go, if not use it to instruct a solicitor.

Also I have never paid up front for any legal work, they bill me either periodically on long issues or at the end, so if you explain to a solicitor that you will have money at the sale of the house or whenever then I can't see why they wouldn't start the work for you.

[fortyplus]

Someone posted recently that when you separate the marital home is disregarded for the first six months when claiming housing benefit. Why not move out, rent somewhere and take steps to force the sale of the house?

[oreocrumbs]

There are alot of threads on here about decluttering your house and cheap ways to improve it for selling. If you have a browse in good housekeeping and property you should find alot. It would give you something to do that is both productive to your situation, and will keep you busy through this awful time.

[EllenandBump]

Maybe phoning womens aid would help? I was advised by people on here to do that. I am SLOWLY i think getting somewhere not sure where but somewhere. x

[oaktree43]

I would definitely give Women' Aid a ring. I too have lived with a controlling, emotionally abusive husband (for 18 years) and have finally left the family home. I put off contacting WA for a long time but was so glad when I finally rang them. They were really supportive and put me in touch with the right people to help me decide what I wanted to do. I also have started counselling with Mind who have given me a sense of self again and to think about what I want for a change.
Citizens advice were also really informative on all kinds of issues regarding divorce and financial issues.
I wish you the best of luck.

[destinyorfate]

ahhh here I am again, another sleepless night.

Thank you all for your messages. I have been in touch with CAB and WA and I have a solicitor who is just waiting for me to give her all the info. on our accounts etc. and a cheque to get things going.

My kids know and are in the main very supportive.

I have decided that I must get the ball rolling with my solicitor. I think financial abuse and unreasonable behaviour are probably the best grounds, I will leave out all the other stuff about emotional abuse.

I dont understand why I feel so powerless! This has been going on for years. :(

Forgot to add I am also in debt! I cant earn enough to live on. I have to do something I cant carry on like this.

Leaving isnt an option. I need to get this house straightened out and on the market.

Thanks.... it really helps to know I am not alone, I feel it so much, and I wouldnt wish this on anybody else.

[lisaro]

If your children are adults they should be contributing and helping with the housework. Get them to do so. Sorry - that sounds stern, it wasn't meant to.

[destinyorfate]

lisaro yes they do help... at least a little :)

Thanks everybody for your comments.

I dont understand why it is so difficult. I dont want to be here, and it is a very complicated situation to get out of, but even so, it isnt impossible. Maybe I am just worn down by it all. I cant sleep for worrying. Really I just wish I wouldnt wake up in the morning. Feeling very sorry for myself tonight :(

[Movingout]

I completely understand where you're coming from. If money was no object you would have so many more options. I know they say money can't but happiness but it can be really useful! Personally speaking being worn down and worried all the time can render a person incapable of making good and positive decisions. You need a good solicitor and perhaps some help from the doctor with anti-depressants. Look at the positive, your children are grown up and less reliant on you and you will soon be free to start a new much happier life.

[dustlandfairytale]

I agree OP that you have just been worn down by putting up with this for so long. The more you do to change your situation the stronger you will feel. Just take tiny steps and you will get there in the end.
Is there any of this clutter you could actually sell? Some peoples clutter is other peoples treasures. Once you get it cleared you could maybe get your DCs to help you decorate to make the house more marketable? A bit of paint wouldnt cost too much and would be worth it in the long run.
My other advice would be to see your doctor about not sleeping. If you get just a few days sleeping tablets it might help you to get some energy back and that would make you feel more positive.
I say all of the above from personal experience. Starting to sort my house at the moment. Nightmare of a job and its all stbx's crap not mine.

[destinyorfate]

Well, took 2 weeks off work and into second week now and I have achieved nothing :(

I am off to the CAB this morning.

I know he will scupper any attempts at selling and probably wont sign the contract anyway, and I am so terrified that we will end up getting repossessed. Cant stand this anxiety and worry, I feel I am going crazy! I feel like a rabbit frozen in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle that cant move!

[Movingout]

I recently went to see a housing officer, and whilst I wouldn't be entitled to social housing I would get housing benefit despite the fact that I have a full time job. Moving out of your house may make your husband sell. At the very least, if you physically move away you may feel more empowered. For the last 2 years i have lived in fear of losing our house, the worry consumes my every waking moment, so I know how you feel.

[destinyorfate]

Movingout (hugs)

Every waking and sleeping moment!!!!!

I saw a solicitor at the CAB.

I really feel more hopeful now. When I explained the situation, (not all of it, I only had 30 minutes!) she said 'we will scare him shitless' :) I thought, right, I am instructing you right here and now :)

I know it is going to be awful going through a divorce and living here but I do not think it will serve my purpose to leave. Sometimes I doubt his sanity because of his inability to be reasonable about anything! Really 'anything'! No matter how trivial, it has to be 'his' way.

I do hope movingout that things improve for you.