Divorce & money - opinions on what is fair please

[LaCoccinelle]

It looks as though DH and I will be splitting quite soon. I'd like some opinions/advice on the finances side though. DH does not and has never worked (he has a rich daddy), I worked up until DD was born (she's now 6) and since then have been SAHM / carer (DD is disabled) for DD and then DS (now 5).

DH did not want to get a job when DD was born, nor did he want to be a SAHD while I worked, he wanted to go to university and get his degree (he'd tried and quit a couple of times before). He has now completed his degree & MA and is planning to start a PhD in September. The plan was that once he'd finished his education DH would be the one to work. While DH was completing his degree we survived on very little money (benefits) and rented accommodation. Once he had his degree, FIL bought him a house and he got his trust fund money - not a fortune but enough for us to live modestly while DH finished uni.

Now that we are separating DH does not want to give me any money, he views the money & house as his alone. He has said that I can stay in the family home, with DCs, until they are old enough to want to move out/finished uni/whatever. He plans to use his remaining money to buy himself a house and fund his PhD. I plan to return to the job market as best I can, having not worked in 6.5 years. I had a fairly average job before, my degree is pretty useless - an IT degree, I have NOT kept up to date with any developments, and it's over 10 years since I graduated. DCs are currently home educated, I realise that is almost certainly going to have to change.

My family (and counsellor) are of the view that I should go through the courts to try to get half of DH's money as this is what I am 'entitled to'. I have seen a solicitor for a free initial consultation and she was of the same view. I do not want things to be difficult between me and DH and I know that he would be extremely angry and difficult if I tried to claim any money from him. I think that as we have DCs together we have to try and get on. I'm worried though that he would soon find himself without any money (or job) and would then need to sell the house, leaving me and DCs with no money and no home. I'm finding it quite hard to see things clearly though, DH has destroyed my self esteem (emotional abuse and adultery) and I'm currently being treated for depression. I really don't know any more what is fair or best or anything and I don't have any friends who are close enough for me to talk to about this.

Sorry for the length of the post - I'm trying not to leave anything out. Any advice, opinions, experience?

[Safmellow]

I don't think you need to go for exactly half, split down the middle, you get the forks and I have the spoons type thing. But I would definitely go for the house, or some kind of concrete agreement at least. The main reason being that if you go along with his suggestion you are dependent on his whims for the forseeable future. I know it's tough gearing yourself up for potential battle when you just want it all to be over and I hope you are ok. Gird your loins :)

[mumblechum1]

It shouldn't be a battle if he takes legal advice, as he will be told that there has to be a fair division of the assets notwithstanding the fact that the house was gifted by his father.

I would say that worst case scenario is that you end up with a Mesher order which means that you and the children stay in the house (it'll be formally transferred to you) but with a charge in his favour which can't be triggered until your youngest is at least 18, or you remarry, die or voluntarily buy him out. Even then he won't get 100% of the sale proceeds.

[mumblechum1]

As a non-legal aside, you say he doesn't and has never worked. He's the one who should have self esteem issues, not you.

[Youllbewaiting]

Whose name is the house in?
His or his dad's?

[LaCoccinelle]

The house is in his name.

I would be worried about being dependent on his good will to remain in the house, I just don't know if asking for a portion of his money/property is fair, as it all came from his dad.

[NotaDisneyMum]

So sorry

Rather than think of a financial settlement as being for you - consider it for your DCs?

Once you are divorced, assuming your DCs reside with you, your exH is under no obligation to financially support them over and above a CSA assessment (from what you have said, £5 a week would be the most you get from him until he secures a job).

If you sacrifice what you are entitled to because you don't think it's fair, then your DCs could be significantly disadvantaged

[gettingeasier]

I have been in a vaguely similar position although was married far longer.

We were married with children and he didnt behave very well or invest in our marriage and hence I had no qualms about our 50/50 split

I think you will deeply regret being so "honourable" further down the line if as so many do he messes you around and keeps you short.

Anyway if hes like my xh he probably has a lot more money coming his way at a future date so dont lose sleep

[gettingeasier]

Oh and the beauty of being married is that it doesnt really matter what your dhs views are its the law that will decide not him

[PostmanPatsy]

I know someone who divorced with a trust fund involved very recently. It requires specialist lawyers and it is very complicated. Dont let anyone tell you that the trust fund cant fund you because it can. My reassurance to you though is that it will be sorted eventually and you will be provided for as will your dc's. My friend is satisfied with the outcome.