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Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Divorce/separation

so angry I'm shaking. My mother seems to thinks my decision whether or not to divorce is up to her!

17 replies

iCANdothisiCAN · 12/12/2011 21:08

Absolutely fucking fuming!

I posted on MN the other week as I have separated from H. I found out he had been "sexting" another woman. It wasn't the first time it has happened so he has now moved out.

We have a 4 month old son so have stayed friends and he comes round most days to spend time with DS.

Rightly or wrongly I am a very private person and have never shared any of our marital problems with anyone.

Obviously I had to tell everyone what happened this time and have told my family that at the moment the split is permanent but of course it is a huge decision and I cannot predict how I will feel in the future.

I have today found out that she has written him a letter saying how he has destroyed her family, given her the worst day of her life, watched me cry on my sister's shoulder (a complete lie!) and that she now has to tell our niece that she wil never see him again and he never cared about her anyway.

OP posts:

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baubleybobbityhat · 12/12/2011 21:12

Seems as though the melodramatics is a hereditary thing in your family .

Hassledge · 12/12/2011 21:15

Yes, she shouldn't have done it but look at it from her POV - your ex has made her little girl very unhappy through being a complete twat, and all her maternal instincts have kicked in. She's doing the default "I'll protect my child regardless" thing. Don't be too cross with her - how will you feel when someone breaks your DS's heart?

iCANdothisiCAN · 12/12/2011 21:18

Sorry, hit post too soon!

Meant to add that although at the moment we are very much apart H has found a councillor and is working really hard to resolve a lot of long-standing issues, some from as far back as his childhood, which he has never had the courage to face before.

He knows he has to do it for himself first but he is also determined to do it for his son and understandably wants his family back.

He has completely accepted that it is my decision and I'm really impressed.with how he's handling it.

Now of course I was angry at the beginning but I support him completely in what he's trying to do to improve himself.

I suppose what I'm most angry about is how dare she make out it's all about her? How dare she presume to decide the fate of my marriage? I understand she us upset and hurt, if course she is, but I think what she's done is so disrespectful.

So there we are, rant over!

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bigpigeon · 12/12/2011 21:18

First thought was that she is attention seeking and trying to turn this into her own personal drama. If that is at all likely just tell her to butt out or you won't discuss anything of a personal nature with her again.
Second thought is that perhaps this is the only way she could think of to show her support for you and it is a misguided attempt to do something/anything of use to protect you from the hurt you are going through, no matter how inappropriate her actions have been. In this case probably a gentle reminder that you are the one that will be dealing with your ex and not her and any interference from her (and that is what it is) will not help you get through the minefield that is divorce. If it is the case, perhaps tell her how she can help you in a practical way, and you will both benefit then.
If you don't know what motivated her then ask.

iCANdothisiCAN · 12/12/2011 21:23

The main reason I can never confide in her about anything is because she is so bloody melodramatic bobbity!
Every little thing is a big bloody drama and always all about her and how she feels.

I told her everything so calmly and have told her how important it is that he and I stay friends for DS.

The worst thing is the comment about my niece, that's possibly the most spiteful childish thing I've ever heard.

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iCANdothisiCAN · 12/12/2011 21:26

You're first guess is spot-on bigpigeon.

I know what she's been saying to my sister and it's all about her. How I'm choosing to deal with it just doesn't seem to be a factor in the "mother" show!

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MrsS01 · 12/12/2011 21:39

when i told my mum I'd split up with my husband (with a small baby at the time) - her first words were 'what will i tell the neighbours'!!!! Not - how are you coping!

bigpigeon · 12/12/2011 22:02

Then you need to put your foot down, nicely but firmly and tell her it is your business and if she wants any type of relationship with you going forward then she needs to respect that. And then follow through until she apologises if it happens again. Otherwise she will continue to walk all over everyone elses feelings because she continues to get gratification as a result (even if it is negative). Plus you don't need all this extra crap to deal with. Good luck, I feel for you.

iCANdothisiCAN · 12/12/2011 22:08

That's almost exactly the same as mine!

It's all been about how SHE has to tell everyone and how upset everyone else is!

I haven't shown any emotion in front of her at all yet she can't seem to help herself!

Well whatever she was trying to achieve with the letter it's totally backfired. I actually feel really sorry for h right now! He is more than aware of the hurt he has caused and he genuinely loved my whole family, especially dn. Whatever he's done he didn't deserve that.

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iCANdothisiCAN · 12/12/2011 22:17

Thank you bigpigeon.

I'm not looking forward to it as any form of criticism tends to turn into a "woe is me" "why is my daughter saying such hurtful things" performance which is.completely impossible to win. Self awareness is not her strong suit!

In my 32 years I've never once heard het admit to being wrong but I suppose there's a first time for everything!

It's got to be done I know but it will have to wait til tomorrow now, I need to calm down first. If I let her turn this into a drama as well I've got no hope!

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cryingintherain · 12/12/2011 22:57

you know I feel sorry for your mum, you tell her your marriage is over and by your own admission she knew NOTHING of your unhappiness and then you expect her to be emotionless?? she is you mum for gods sake!! of course she is upset hurt and angry and probably frightened for you too she loves you accept that and you will get on better

cryingintherain · 12/12/2011 23:12

ps; you don't think H is being a bit manipulative telling you about the letter? as actually it was to him from her privately not in front of you. beware of his motives

iCANdothisiCAN · 12/12/2011 23:22

I don't expect her to be emotionless, I just expect a little bit of respect.

I know she loves me but trust me this is how she is with everything. It's always about her, and if it isn't she manages to play the martyr about how much it isn't about her!

Last Christmas I was very ill with HG and spent the new year in hospital. All she talked about in every visit was how hard it was for her! For the last month it's been all about "i'm so looking forward to this year as last Xmas was so awful"
I know it sounds petty but not once has she said "i bet YOUR looking forward to Xmas"

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cryingintherain · 13/12/2011 01:27

do you not think she was looking forward to christmas BECAUSE you are well again? she would have been happy to see you enjoying your own christmas with your new baby! imagine how she must feel now! cut her some slack she is only human! you sound wonderfully strong she can,t have done that bad a job bringing you up. mothers fight like tigers if their child is hurt, you will one day, fear raises its head in all sorts of ways perhaps in your mum it causes her to over react if she was worried that she may lose you and babe last year that is going to make her even madder with your ex that he could have done this now. try to be patient and understand where she is coming from. just because you are an adult does'nt mean she won't still worry about you and I'll bet she is frightened for you now because you are alone

Riakin · 14/12/2011 09:31

There is a little bit of a golden rule: sort the mother of the bride... As true at a wedding as it is through divorce. I'm sure others on here can attest to "mum-in-laws" sticking their oar in throughout relationships, separation, divorce and contact.

MrsS01 · 15/12/2011 22:17

ICandothis - how are you doing?

I've found the best thing to do is to keep my family and issues to myself and not talk about anything really and bite my lip - although sometimes I give a sarcastic reply back when she says something hurtful and that seems to hit home. I think my mum just says stuff (which can be hurtful) without thinking.

Casmama · 15/12/2011 22:30

I remember your thread Ican. I don't really understand how she is deciding the fate of your marriage - she is telling you H how she feels and however misplaced that may be I can understand her wanting to do so.
It is also interesting to see that you have gone from feeling anger at your H to feeling sorry for him and impressed by his attempts to change. I think a couple of weeks in is quite early to be giving him credit for "working really hard" and in fact a lot of his behaviour was predicted on your previous thread.
Anyway, you weren't asking about that here so apologies if I have stepped over the mark but just hope that you aren't redirecting anger that should still be directed towards your H at your mother because it is easier. Good luck with everything, I hope it works out for the best whatever that may be.

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