How can I stop grieving for my relationship

[samantha001]

I split up with my exp 3 years ago & it was my choice. Having been together for 7 years he became a very controlling, arrogant & aggressive towards me. Despite my efforts to support & help him plus many sessions of couples counselling & his sessions of individual counselling, his violence toward me escalated to a point where I could no longer live in that situation.

Ever since we have split my exp has made constant efforts to try to get back with me in person, by text, by email, through facebook & despite the fact that he is now married with a baby he has never relented, he even rang me during his honeymoon to tell me how much he was missing me, he has not stopped. We have a ds together now, age 6, so he has to have contact with me but contact arrangements have been difficult, in the past 18 months he has tried to obtain full custody of ds through the courts & when that was thrown out by the judge, reported me to child protection for emotionally abusing ds, this was also dismissed by child protection as a malicious allegation aimed at attacking me & not for the welfare of ds. This has caused huge additional stress to me over the past 2 years notwithstanding the fact that our relationship had deteriated before we split.

My problem is that I still feel I am grieving for my relationship & dont know how I can move on, despite all the grief my ex has caused me I still have some feelings for him. The good side to my ex was in so many ways perfect & I was deeply in love with him & we had a great life together but the bad side of him was too bad to live with. I have given up everthing to not be with him but cannot shake off my feelings which I know I should not have. I would be so grateful for advice from anyone else who has been in this situation, how can I get over it??

[butterflybee]

I don't have the answers.. but wanted to say you sound like you've been incredibly strong. I've personally found the emotional abuse thread in relationships really helpful for what you're looking for. There are plenty of us! C'mon in!

[gillybean2]

Don't feel bad for grieiving for what you have lost. It is a perfectly natural reaction.

You can't force these things I'm afraid. But in time the pain does gradually lesson and you find yourself moving forward and leaving him behind.
You've had so much to deal with that you haven't had the time yet to start healing. But wanting to move on is a good sign that you are on the road to recovery. It will take more time though

[rightchoice]

Once you accept and let go you will start feeling better and will be able then to move on. It takes courage to accept, but once you have let go of the old then the new starts happening. He has re-married, you are free as a bird. Enjoy your freedom and start living you so deserve it.

[CAROLLOXLEY]

I have been divorced for 10 years and when people ask me how long it took to recover I try not to tell them as it is such a long process! Also everyones process is different and sometimes people say unhelpful things like....gosh two years on and you still feel.....Letting go and moving on is the aim but wow it is hard!! For me it was about three years until I started to feel vaguely normal again...I went to a divorce recovery course and that really helped me talk through the issues and move on from the pain and agony of it all.

[cestlavielife]

try a divorce recovery course or group counsellign aimed at separation/divorce.

or individual counselling

[cestlavielife]

eg //www.drw.org.uk

[samantha001]

thank you all so much for your comments & advice, just to hear I am normal has made a massive difference to how I feel. Thank you so much :0)

[ToothbrushThief]

Can I recommend this

[Bossybritches22]

Oh yes Samantha entirely normal.

Sadly a lot of us around.

[daisystone]

If only you could flip a switch. I am considering hypnosis to erase all memory (joke). It is sad because although at the end there is recrimination and anger and bitterness, you had all these years of love and shared dreams and closeness and then it is all gone - poof! Where does it go? I sometimes wonder if my husband remembers the good times and love and feels sad or if he is really just about hurting me and making me cry. Everytime I start to feel a bit stronger, something happens to knock me back again. I nearly cried in the nurse's office today when I went for a smear, I think she thought I was just nervous. I don't have any answers, but it does help to know other people have been there done that and come through it.

[starsintheireyes]

has anyone been on those workshops? are they any good? seriously considering something like that. Im 11months down the line, but despite it being me who ended the relationship(because of the problems, not because i stopped loving him) I feel like Im no further forward emotionally than at the beginning of the yr, in fact I think I feel worse now than i did at the beginning. hes got new gf/house etc and is marrying her in june, hes got a whole new life butI still feel like theres unfinished buisness(9yrs together, no real breakup arguement/row/discussion) I dont know how to get passed it