I am disabled (walk funny), and an older mum, I was 39 when ds was born.

DS is now 8, in year 3 at school. There are still a few mums who don't talk to me in the school playground, even just replying to a "hello" and a smile, and a couple who will talk to me if I'm on foot (drive to school and walk in) but ignore me if I'm on my mobility scooter (which I sometimes use so that ds can walk to or from school).

Why are people still afraid of disability?

And why would anyone tell their child not to play with my son? (yes honestly, it has happened).

I'm not being self pitying, I'm kind of used to it, having been disabled all my life, but I am still mystified by it.

Ignore these people - it is them who have the problem!! God I don't understand these people. I have to say that there is a mum at dds school who uses a stick and sometimes a scooter but I am not aware that she has to deal with this kind of thing - I certainly hope not anyway.

I have a foster child who is disabled and people shrink away from him. All I can assume is that people are afraid of it, and don't know whether to talk about it with you, so do the opposite and feel its best to ignore you. It's not right at all, but from our experience that's what a lot of people do.

I'm sorry you have to deal with negativity like this on top of coping with your disability.

Firstly, can I just say it might not be about your disability, some people are just rude and won't talk at school anyway.

As for someone telling their child not to play with your son, I think it's disgraceful, but again I don't know why, do you know that the parent definitely said it and the kid wasn't just a little shit?

VS, thanks yes, I'm sure sometimes I think it's because I'm different, but it is just in fact that the other person is rude/stupid or whatever, and maybe doesn't talk to anyone. There are a couple of little groups tho' who go quiet if I stand too near them (awfully tempting to do it, very naughty of me).

The child who was told not to play with ds was back in Y1. It may have been him being a L.S. as you say.

I do know one child has teased ds directly about me. Fortunately ds is pretty thick skinned, and he and I discussed it. I said that he could choose to ignore her, or he can tell me, or his teacher about it, as he chooses, but he really doesn't ever need to get upset about it. The bit that really ed me is that child is the daughter of ds's former CM, so knew me better than most of the kids. I haven't told her mother, but promised myself I will if it continues.

As I say, I'm not here to complain, but would like to understand. I won't mind if someone comes on here and says "Well, I'd steer clear of you because ...."

I think it's maybe a useful self-weeding out mechanism...the people who avoid talking to you or even tell their kids to avoid your ds, are very conveniently 'outing' themselves to you as complete wastes of space who you would no doubt have difficulty getting along with anyway

I have to say I have found that lots of people at the school gates are very cliquey and don't easily talk to others, unless they are part of 'the group' so some of this may have nothing to do with your disability, though I know it's hard to kind of judge that one.

I'd advise taking your mobility scooter in as often as possible and just running 'em over

I doubt they would come and say that though, because anyone who does steer clear of someone because of a disability knows there is no logic in it and cannot explain themselves.

Agree with honoria - run the bigoted bastards over

I used a stick for a long time and a wheelchair on very bad days and noticed a distinct change in peoples' attitudes when I was 'showing' my disability- I think they're scared that they might catch the dreaded disability disease - you have to lagh really (although I know it can be upsetting)

You are right Wisteria, I have to laugh about it sometimes. But sometimes I would just like to understand it, partly so I can help to stop it happening for other people.

Is that it VS, people know themselves there is no reason to avoid us, but do it anyway?

I find them just socially inept personally and I think there is a slight bit of this as well:

oh if I smile she might think I pity her

I'm not sure what to say so I'll just pretend I've not noticed she's smiling at me

I also think people are so scared of doing or saying the wrong/ un-pc thing that they just think it's safer to say nowt - when in a wheelchair should they bend down or stay at full height etc.

Wisteria, Interesting about the wheelchair bit, never considered that, partly cos I'm only 4'10" standing I suspect.

I spent a year in a wheelchair a while ago, and that was more of a problem.

Would also explain why people who will exchange pleasantries when I'm standing are more reticent if I'm sitting on the scooter.

What makes me laugh is that everyone is so scared of doing the wrong thing that they never stop to consider that once you are in a wheelchair nobody gives you a list of things that are PC/ nonPC so we are none the wiser anyway!!

I can totally understand the reason of not wanting to offend, one of the parents of one of DD's friends is deaf and although I've msiled at her I've never spoken to her, because I don't know how to, and wouldn't want to offend, I assume she can lipread but I would feel terrible if I couldn't understand her reply.

do try Victorian - the worse thing is when people say nothing for fear of getting it wrong. She can probably speak and if in doubt just say things that are easy to reply in sign - small talk, then you can work out how easy it is to communicate.

We had a deaf lady in our college group and I was amazed over her power of speech, incredible.

Oh, I know she can speak, I've heard her talk to the teachers, I just can't understand what she says so would feel awful if it was the same when I spoke to her.

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I cannot answer your question because I honestly do not know why. Ignorance? Fear? Downright bloody rudeness? I can't imagine not speaking to another parent at the school gates in a normal friendly way just because they were disabled in some way. What kind of bullshit is that?

Oh Doodle, that seems a bit lame (no pun intended). I have a tiny folding up to-put-in-car-boot-one, not one of those stonking great things. And anyway, I'm talking about when we are all standing stationary, waiting for the hordes to be released from school occasions.

Surely people aren't frightened of a mobility scooter?

Sorry, didn't mean to offend, and said wanted honest responses. I have no idea that folk can be scared by me on a mobility scooter. I know I said I'm an older mum, but I am only 47, you know.

clumsymum, i think the playground mentality never really leaves some people....
what a boring world if we were all the same...
i would make them talk to me,,but them i am a bit devilish!

clumsymum, huge sympathy. I was once rendered completely invisible by my crutches at a mums and tots Christmas party. They even gave me a three foot forcefield around my chair so that no-one over 4 could actually get close enough to speak. It was a joy

Ah yes Sue, that happened to me too. I persevered with toddler groups for ds's sake, but hated every minute. The only time anyone spoke to me was if a grandmother took her grandchild. Then they would make a bee-line for me, assuming I too was a granny !! Once they discovered I was a mum, who had done a career and stuff in the past, then conversation would dry-up.

In the defence of mums at M & T (and to a certain extent even now) they all seemed to know each other from antenatal classes (I hadn't attended the local ones), whereas I was a stranger.
I have always tried to be friendly tho'.

It could be the age difference more than anything else?
I'm 42 and work full time so am rarely in the playground. When I am, very few mums talk to me. Even the ones who spoke to me when I was on maternity leave and therefore around every day, don't speak now. To be frank, I've given up and don't really try now. They talk to my au pair quite happily and that's more important to me.

Clumsymum. I have experience of this. I have MS that relapses and remits. When DS started school nursery some mums would just look right through you and a couple of others have admitted to thinking I was an alcoholic (WTF DS went to morning nursery!)

May as well have a T-Shirt with I HAVE MS OK? YOU CAN'T CATCH IT FROM ME

I found the best thing was to tell people and be open about why I sometimes walk funny. It's really nice to get the apologies when people have prejudged you

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Thats awful, your poor kid as well.

Sod them, I would run over their toes next time.

clumsymum, the same thing happens to me, you're not self pitying, don't worry. Some people (especially in my age group, I'm 24) are very ignorant and rude.

People shouldn't judge just by loking at a person but they do.

it doesn't help that I look 15. I had some report me to the police in Italy because they saw a "disabled teenager" on her own.

I couldnt tell you tbh i dont have that attitude and im sorry that you have to deal with it i think its terrible

I couldnt tell you tbh i dont have that attitude and im sorry that you have to deal with it i think its terrible

I couldnt tell you tbh i dont have that attitude and im sorry that you have to deal with it i think its terrible

Sorry! Computer froze on me and reposted the message

Clumsymum, sorry to say, but I think that some people are just plain ignorant.

I'm talking specifically about the school playground here, when I say that some parents seem to revert back to their own schooldays when forging 'friendships' in the playground. So many times I have seen people trying to hang out with the 'in-mums', and people being excluded because their face doesn't fit or whatever. I also have a feeling that some don't socialise with others because 'it won't look good for them'. It's like we all revert to being 13 again. I must add, I can't be doing with all this, I left behind playtime politics some 25 years ago, but clearly a lot of people haven't.

I wonder if something like this happening. I also think that some people are ignorant with regard that they see the disability first, the person second. So instead of seeing a lady standing/sitting there who is clumsymum'sds's mum (which is how most of us are defined in the playground) they see a lady sitting on a scooter or (excuse me) walking funny .... oh, who happens to be clumsymum'sds's mum. And because that's their defining impression of you that's how they address you. But the problem is they don't know how to address you. So they become clumsy in social etiquette. To the extent that some are so scared of this clumsiness they feel safest not to say anything at all.

At a guess I would imagine this would be a bit soul destroying to experience this. Especially if it is affecting ds too. So if that is the problem, how to solve it? Answer, you don't need to change. You sound out going and friendly. You sound approachable and a well-grounded mum. I suggest you do the same as I do, just hone in on the more approachable mums (got a feeling I don't need to be saying this bit to you though). There's plenty I don't talk to much, I just can't be doing with their cliques.

I remember hearing once about a parent who went into their child's class to talk about their disability because the child was getting a bit of stick. For the life of me I can't remember who it was or what kind of disability, but the upshot was there was better understanding all round and a happy result.

Oh and before I go, less of the old, I'm 39 and had a baby a few months ago. Am really struggling with my age atm! That's a thought, if the average age of mums at the school is about 20, then the reason they are so stand-offish could be just as much an age thing as a disability thing. There's definately an age divide in our playground. And I'm on the older side. <<sob>>

well said kinki.

I had a brief spell in a wheelchair a couple of yrs ago after a bilateral foot op. I was horrified actually at how invisible I became. On one particular occasion I'd brought a blanket with me and it was trailing on the ground, a passer by addressed my husband (standing behind me) and not ME and told him the blanket over ME was trailing on the ground. I think it would be a good social experiment for people to see (albeit no-where near to the same extent) what it feels like to live with a disability. I have to confess that I previously used to worry I might offend a disabled person, eg offering help, but as far as completely ignoring someone, that's pants. People shouldn't make assumptions about a person because of a disability, it makes me sad.

Why would people stop their children from playing with another child because their parent is disabled? I dont get it - its not like disability is contagious!!

I've not really noticed it if I've been in my wheelchair but on the days I'm walking and pushing dd in her wheelchair (I have MS, she has severe cerebral palsy) then people don't speak to me. Very weird.