Words of support for dh please - male perspective needed

[PoppiesMum]

Have posted this in step parents room too, but thought there may be other dads out there is the same position.

Ok, will try to keep it brief..

Dh and I have been together for 7 yrs and married for 2. We have a 1yo dd.

Dh is divorced and had an 8yo dd from first marriage.

Dd and ex-wife lived 5 mins away up until 2 years ago and dh had a 'reasonable' amount of contact with dd - pick up 1 day from school and siupposed to have her 3 out of 4 Sundays and overnight sat/sun once a month. Contact had gradually being getting less and less over the years, getting worse from when dh and I announced out engagement. Dh would go to see dd as arranged only to be told by ex that she didn't want to see him.

When they moved (200 miles away) and ex re-married, a contact order was requested by dh as he felt he couldn't trust ex to stick to a verbal agreement anymore. This was done and stuck to for the first year. However, dh has not seen dd since last April. Contact has broken down as ex says dd doesn't want to see dh and she says she won't 'force' her to. Dh went back to solicitors to enforce contact order. but ex told dd all about what was happening and just made things worse. Dh stopped legal proceedings as he knew it would not make any difference. Ex continues to influence dd with her behaviour and how she speaks about dh around her, and therfore dd feels she is betraying her mum by wanting to see her dad.

Final straw this weekend when on regular phone call to dd, she said 'Dad I don't want to see you anymore. You left my Mum and I don't want to see you until you leave (me) and (our daughter)'. She is 8!

I personally don't understand how any mum can happily sit back and watch how she is damaging her only child like this, but the real issue is now that Dh is at the point where he is thinking about just stopping trying to keep contact going. He was in tears last night and gone to work distraught today. He has been there for his daughter ever since they split and always seen her when allowed. He's never cancelled time with his dd, never been late and always paid the maintainance they agreed. Yet his ex seems to be hell bent of destroying any hope of a relationship between him and dd.

Have any other dads or stepmums been through this? What can I say to him? How have other people coped with not seeing their child?

(Sorry, that's not brief at all is it

[PoppiesMum]

bump

[mylittlestar]

I'm not a man but just saw this and had to say what a nasty person she is!
How people can do this to their children is beyond me

Is there any chance of you and dh sitting down to talk to her (away from the children) and seeing if you can get through to her??
She sounds like a horrible, jealous person and I don't hold out much hope for her seeing sense, but anything is worth a try??

[PoppiesMum]

Thanks! No chance of anything as civilised as an adult chat I'm afraid. Dh has suggested that, as well as mediation, and she just refuses, and uses it as an excuse to shout down the phone again. Believe it or not, she actually doesn't see that she's doing anything wrong She insists on telling dd everything as she says it's what dd wants and then doesn't see that its her behaviour which is influencing the 8 yo I've accepted that nothing we can do will change her or the way she's raising dd, but dh is obv more reluctant to let go.

[mylittlestar]

Oh I'm so sorry what an awful situation

Hope there may be some other MNers out there with some more advice for you...

[PoppiesMum]

.

[DrDaddy]

What an absolutely dreadful situation! I feel for your husband and you all. I've not been in this situation myself, so I cannot offer any first-hand advice. Just been chatting about this with DW and we both feel that losing contact with his daughter will be a life altering experience, but that the only way to force the situation is probably through the courts. It's outrageous when children are used as pawns in this way...
Are there any friends of your DH and his ex who know both of them well who could intervene and tell the ex how stupid and damaging she is being? Perhaps that would make her wake up?
Sorry. Not much help. All the best

[PoppiesMum]

DrDaddy - thanks. Really don't see how we can get anyone to talk to her. They have been separated/divorced for 8 years, so no mutual friends about really. Dh has tried taling to ex's mum, as she's the only person the ex will listen to, but that hasn't helped either.

Fundamntally, there is no way to change ex's personality - she doesn't see she is doing anything wrong, and treats 8 yo dd like an adult ("i tell her everything because she wants to know it" and "I'm not going to force her to do anything she doesn't want to") she doesn't see that it's her behaviour that's influencing dd's attitude to her dad. It's such a shame as they did have a very close relationship when she was much younger.

Legally, we can take her to court to enforce the contact order, but the advice we've been given is that it would take many months, and would involve us all being interviewed (including dd, albeit away from the court) to try and establish the reasons for dd's behaviour. While dh thinks this would be a good thing as it would undoubtedly uncover the strong influence her mother has over her, dh is simply not prepared to put dd through months of stress, stress which ex would not shield her from, and which she would use to further poison dd against her dad ("look what your father is doing now, we all have to go to court etc etc")

[Shosha]

Message withdrawn

[Pann]

Horrible. Utterly horrible. I live separate from my dd (only 10 mins away) and would be crushed at what your dh is having to face.

I do belive I have been in a not dissimilar situation in past years with dd's mum, where dd would say something clearly beyond her comprehension, and damning of me groundlessly.

Advice? Well. DON'T PANIC. And don't rush into anything, or set up a further conflict. Dh will lose at every turn, possibly the whole shooting match. And never scrutinise dd over anything allegedly said. That would be cruel on her.

Have faith that dd will have something of a critical mind of her own. And, that she will come to her own conclusions, and soon.
Dh needs to ensure that dd has utter confidence in his love for her. Don't do anything to cause a further tension for dd. She may well know she is being used by mum.

I may consider the possibility of writing to dd's mum with heartfelt concern's and expressing a fear that she is pushing dd away from him . That this is unjust and unfair on all, and being firm in requiring a resumption in contact, or enforcement action will follow (if it can be). I'd keep a copy of such a letter, for later use, even with dd when she is older as a rreassurance of his love for her and motives.

He is so on hiding to nothing, and emotional reaction against mum could wreck it totally.

This is so distressing. The number of fathers who 'disappear' in early years......

Dh needs to take the longer view of it all and not react to such provocation.

There is nothing wrong in telling his dd repeatedly that he loves her, over the phone. But it would be disasterous to 'attack' her mum, to her.

Sorry this is a bit scatter gun.

And it is all IMVHO. Do feel for you all, esp dd. Good luck.